Monday, September 04, 2006

It's an Update

Wow- it's been awhile. A lot has changed. I finished grad school, working full time, getting ready to start my PhD. I have a boyfriend, who I'm finding myself growing more and more attached to. That statement in itself is frightening.

So what about God and I. Well I gave up trying. Two years ago I went through a pretty horrific experience, one year ago I saw love in action, today...I gave up my efforts, I gave in to desires, and I became real...not this fake person who was making decisions despite my ability to believe them.

Regardless...I feel human...and for the first time...I'm okay with being a human and not striving for saint hood...afterall...I am who I am...and I am who God made me to be. My mistakes, choices, actions...though rarely pure and holy and rarely accepted by the Christian folk, as I choose to call them....are none the less a part of my humanity and seperate from God's ability to love me.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

So it's been a long time-- I'm not sure anyone even reads this blog anymore....regardless...I felt the need to update...maybe because I'm bored and lacking motivation to get ready for work quite yet -- maybe because I haven't updated in a long time...regardless -- here it is.

So the update:

On August 4th I will officially have a masters degree -- I walked in the ceremony in May though...odd. I'm applying for jobs -- we'll see...I'm finishing my internship up -- which may possibly lead way to a job there -- we'll see. I'm taking a bunch of exams and want to start my PhD work next fall --which is not this coming fall -- hence looking for jobs.

I'm an aunt now -- a beautiful Kentucky neice I have -- I'm going to see her this weekend.

I'm dating a particularily interesting and great guy.

I'm leading worship at a church on the other side of the state every weekend -- not for money but because I learned a lesson a few years back...it's better to volunteer in a church than be employed by the church -- and I learned an even more important lesson -- I learned what the church is really supposed to look like -- at least as much as my humanity can grasp that. I'll have to say that this church has done more for me than I could ever believe possible -- but it's safe to say -- deep down, beneath the layers of strength and callous belief, sits a weak entity --afraid to really be a part of a church -- so maybe that there is the reason I drive 2 hours every Sunday to church...maybe because I know no other way to pull that weak entity out of it's strong outer shell and move in another direction.


So that's the new stuff --

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


This is my beautiful baby neice...I haven't met her but I dearly love her and would definitely hurt someone if they messed with her!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I Make No Sense

So it's been a long time...no one even reads this anymore...which is why I feel like posting here. I'm really scared...more scared than ever. I don't know how to really explain to people how scared I am. Grad school is rounding down and I'm about to go into an internship and I'm nervous about this...I miss Donna so much...I feel like I'm walking into a field where I need support and have none...I've never felt more alone in my life.

But I have a strength that I don't know how to handle. I don't understand this peace that I feel and for the first time in my life I don't think I like feeling peace when everything in my mind says something so differently.

My mind wonders, will I be a good social worker, will I ever find my place in the church, will I ever meet a guy who will treat me good and like me....

So many questions...no answers...yet every morning I rise and everynight I go to sleep and for some reason I'm able to do this repeatedly without any resolve to these questions...this infuriates me...I want to wrestle God down and I need answers yet I don't need answers and I'm tried of wrestling...I make no sense....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Life

So I've decided to update once again-- I'm not really sure why because I don't have much to say -- I just feel the need to update. Life is flowing -- maybe for the first time in months -- it's flowing smoothly and I find myself smiling much more often. I find myself forgetting my past church much more often and I find myself caring less -- I thought I'd hate when that moment care because I believed that the hurt I felt at least reminded me of the love I had -- now I feel nothing and it's quite nice -- to not hurt or really love them anymore -- it's not that I hate them by any means -- it's just that I'm freed I guess -- their opinion of me no longer bothers me -- their control no longer controls me. It's a great thing.

My life grows more interesting by the month -- it seems like I've had another summer of picking up the most ignorant men alive -- there was the guy who wanted to knock me up -- then the cable guy who called at 3 a.m. and then scattered wackos that hit on me in scattered bars, grills, restaurants, bookstores -- you know public -- it seems like normal guys are so few and far -- which is why my previous entry was placed here -- there is at least one normal guy.

But don't get me wrong I'm not a psychotic girl who meets a guy and gets married in 2 months -- I attended LCC -- but I never said I liked it. I don't idolize dumb decisions. Just thought I should make that clear.

Monday, July 11, 2005

I'm Getting Married -- Well sorta!

It's been awhile since I've posted here...life has been crazy. busy busy busy -- and I have update on my xanga more frequently -- this site is if I have something important to say. And I do -- There was this guy that my mom has been trying to set me up with since last Oct. I ignored her on it. I hung out with him for the first time this weekend at the church while he was helping me with some recording -- I'm going to marry him I've decided. He doesn't know yet -- but we're getting married. I say it partly joking because he doesn't know but mostly serious -- the connection we had at the church was priceless -- I've never felt it with anyone. It would make this whole Rantoul mess make sense if God brought me out of there to answer a prayer I've prayed several times but have known that the answer wasn't mine yet. Anyway I just keep praying that somehow God will let him know that we're getting married and have him ask me out on a real date!!!

Friday, June 03, 2005

The Battle Begins in the Mind

A lot has happened this past month...as a matter of fact...a lot has happened in the year of 2005. The latest news which is really just the beginning....I was hit by a drunk driver. This situation has drove me to the breaking point. I sit in wonder..why believe...why serve...really just why? The people that get ahead in life are the ones that cheat, steal and lie. So why bother. This leaves me at a frustrating existence. To be honest...the people that I've seen that believe whole heartedly that God is real are people I'd rather live without knowing. The preach it, but stab you in the back.

I stand at this difficult place...it happened Wednesday. I was driving across the state and tears came to my eyes....I was flipping fadio stations and a Christian song came on...now I pretty much hate Christian music...but when this song came on something happened...I cried. I cried because I missed the passion and the love that I once carried so strong. I missed the person who would do anything for anyone no matter what they did to her...I miss the person that just loved people.

As tears ran down my cheeks...I knew I'd never be the same again...but I don't know who to be right now or where to be. I've often thought about how I'm going to get out of this...this feeling that I desperately hate Christianity. I still don't know.

I just know that my life has been changed forever. Deep down inside me I'm a lost person. Social work makes me want to puke...spending my life helping people who go out and hate and kill and destroy others lives...the church..makes me puke...they follow behind hating, killing and destroying lives.

If I had one wish...that wish would be to just run....kinda like Forrest Gump...run...it's weird more than anything I wish I could sit with a few pastors who have changed my life. On that note I'm meeting my pastor next week for coffee...I haven't been to church in over a month. He e-mailed that he wanted to get together. I told him sure...so that's next week. I'm not sure how to say him that I'm not sure I'm coming back...that I think this road of fighting is a worthless end...

Thursday, May 12, 2005

one day, one chance, one goal...

Yesterday served to be a day of much preparation. This week has been focused on talking to children, talking to adults, just trying to figure out this community I love more than any other community I can't live in.

Anyway...the goal: Lunches for children, money for activities, funding for the community...kids can't use the libraries without paying money, the swimming pool...and other community things. Out of a community full of organizations, stores, churches, companies, it's hard to believe that no one really gives a damn about these kids. So all week long I thought and thought and thought about where I fit in thie community...the answer is I don't...I moved...I don't live there and I won't go back...but truth also is I never moved..my heart hasn't left that community. So I had one day, one time, one chance and I was going to make the most of it. I wanted to say something to Bill Black and Rick Winkle that would make them think.

One goal, one chance, one day and six children..we joined 1500 disadvantaged children in the state of Illinois and lobbied outside the capital. When our time came we went to meet with Bill Black and Rick Winkle...I had my speech...my questions...and I had my kid...he was going to say it for me...who better to tell the cries of a child than a child itself. He is a fifth grader, smart, logical, brave and has more potential than any kid I've met, but statistics show that because of the community he lives in..Deandre has little chance for success.

The day before our one day, one chance, one goal...we came to find out the kids needed to dress formally..these kids don't have formal dress clothes...I was heated. If they had dress clothes, we could sell them for money...how generic do our government officals have to be..who do they think they are...if these kids can go before Jesus is scruffy clothes, why can't they go before politicians. But this wasn't stoppin me....

So they day came and I was dressed nicely, but not extravagant...and we took a van full of kids in jeans and t-shirts into the capital. The kids didn't smell their finest, they were a mixed race of kids and they had one goal, one vision, and one day to be heard. We walked up the stairs with determination and success in our minds...these kids for the first time were given the right to tell their story of how mom works two jobs, dad left when they were three, there are 5 kids, and their housing is inadequate, buying shoes is nearly impossible, food is hard to come by and the local commerce and business don't take care of their own, church...sure the people who hold their african heritage gather in one building in town..but few churches blend the breeds...and few church care enough to swollow their ego and pride and succumb to the ways of the poor.

Deandre comes to me and is nervous...I tell him...Deandre...you own this program...you own this community...take it in your hands and fight for what you want...don't be intimidated...these senators and legislators should be intimidated by you. As we walk up the steps...into the offices...the republican party called caucus...our kids sat is disappointment as the reality came that we could not get in touch with our legislators and senators...their hearts sunk...they wore defeat...their heads lowered...the day was rounding down..one day, one chance, one goal...was lost...

We were in the hall buying our weary soldiers soda and some man that I still don't know comes up and calls me by name (no name tags) and says you go to the U of I right. I'm like yeah...we talked for a few...then Rick Winkle's secretary knew me...I looked at the kids and said..we're not done...they will hear our voice.

I want to skip everything else and share the ending. 6 kids...one day, once chance, one goal...left the state capital knowing they had to go back to school and speak in an assembly about their day thinking they did nothing..accomplished little and felt defeated. Truth is Rick Winkle and Bill Black already heard what I had to say....but facing kids is harder than facing a 23 year old grad school student who has ever fight in the world to make their lives better. Deandre left saying there was nothing worth saying...but if I know Deandre...with his head held high...his voice not quivering...Deandrea is going to challange Rantoul children to grab hold of their lives, their futures, their dreams and plow through the people who have no desire for change.

Six kids, one day, one chance, one goal...get lunches this summer...if i have anything to do with it will be able to swim and check out library books like every other child. Thanks to the two amazing parents I have, they will all have summer shoes...they will have clothing they need...food...if the community is deaf...I guarantee these children everyone is not deaf...their voices were heard in amazing ways...by people they barely know...

Republicans....all I've got to say...I have a lot more respect for the democrat parties that heard the chicago area project youth...republicans...yeah they do represent the christian side of the world much better...i understand...i really do...caucas...the christian lifestyle...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Peace Corp...

It's been awhile since I've written...a lot has been happening. Lately my thoughts seem to be far from home. As school is rounding down for me and decisions about the future mark my life, I've been trying to figure out what life is really about. I used to think it involved the church, but I've decided that church plays very little role in my life anymore. So I think deeper...does it involve social work...and I firmly believe that social work is everything that I need and everything that needs me...but I really have no passion for it right now...a part of me is so burnout with this life. So my mind is on the peace corp. Jamaica to be exact. It looks quite possible that I will be heading towards Jamaica in a year. I'm hoping that this will give me a new focus...I'll get away from the church for a few years...maybe I will one day be able to return...fully return...but for now...the pain is too intense...to severe...and too deep...healing can't come inside the walls that I don't trust...but I really believe that a part of me lies in another country. I've never done such a thing but I can't describe how deeply my thoughts revolve...showing people survival in another country, listening to them, counseling them, but most of all loving people again. My heart is already beginning to love these people that I've never met. I can't describe it..I haven't loved anyone but my youth in so long...I'm beginning to fill the same level of love for these people I've never seen that I feel for the youth that I know like the back of my hand. It's refreshing for love to captivate me again...yet I feel everything inside me hurt because I'm not there right now...that's a similar feeling to how I feel with the youth...I love them but can't be with them...I'll be glad to love in person what I love in heart again...but I will be a while yet. My friend may go with me...I really hope she does...she's an amazing person and has a heart for people too. So I guess as the pages turn in this world...really I'm still a little girl searching for someone or something to love.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Grandma

Grandma is in the hospital...my mom just told me to sit tight and do my homework...that is so easy for her to say and impossible for me to do...I'm offically going stir crazy. I can't stand not being there...I can't stand not see how she is myself...I can't stand not seeing her smile. Two years ago when she was in the hospital and my mom was in KY ...I came to the hospital everyday for a month and I remember one Sunday I skipped church and went to sit with grandma...I walked into the room and she had tears running down her face...no one had came to shower her or comb her hair, no one brought her ice for her water and no one opened her shades. I came in and fixed her up, brought scissors and gave her a hair cut, got her showered and changed and we sat together all day...it was the best church service ever...I love my grandma...I want to know that these things are done for her...I want her to know that I'm there. I really want to drop my classes and go sit with grandma...but i have two weeks left...I've got to hold on...but I need to be there.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Future Prospects...Social Work

So life seems to be crazy lately. My heart is completely broken for my friend who looks at the real possiblity of jail time...for my other friend who begins chemo on Monday...and for pure confusion. Yet I find myself ever thankful for my new pastor who never hesitates to let me know that he is God's hands and feet and when I can't see God in my life...he's there telling me...God's there.

In the past two weeks it seems as if I have a dating prospect. I'm not certain really because I'm so stupid when it comes to dating...I can't pick up a hint to save my soul...my roomie would agree completely as she was the one to say...he likes you Lynn...hmm...I'm dumb. But I'm still not certain. We've been friends forever, therefore making it different to even think about it...but my mom offers her famous words...friendship make the best relationships...let it run it's course. Donna tells me I'm scared of stability...boy is she right. I've never really had much of it in my life...therefore making change way more acceptable to me.

To be honest there is that beauty in having that someone there...but I've never had much luck with this and I just don't want to get into something that will hurt me in the end. I personally am so sick of the dating game. I have no inherent interest in it any longer.

So with this on top of everything...I seem to have came to the breaking point of lifting my hands to the sky and saying come on God!

Still trying to figure out how to come up with 1200 dollars by the 29th...i love this lady and refuse to see her in jail...but even greater...for the sake of her beautiful children who made me smile so much over the past few years...granted if they were adopted...that placement would have been so much better...but that was ruined..and dad's a complete jackass...whose neglectful..these kids need their mother...and if I can't give them their mother...why even bother doing social work...don't worry G and D...I'll make it happen....come on God...this one isn't for me!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Court Room....

Today I sat in a court room all afternoon. Let me tell you, I walked out of the court room angry...but my anger developed from earlier seeds.

I'm going into social work because after reading about the ministry of Jesus, I see a social worker...I see Jesus clearer in His actions. More than anything I want to try to help people in a way that would make Jesus smile and cry and all the emotions that He feels. Not so I can be appreciated but so people can find Jesus ...the people who are scared of the church.

Today I walked on of court feeling a feeling that was all too common to me. That feeling was one of heartache as I realized that this world is no easy place. I saw two grown ups unable to communicate in an effective fashion...I saw a battle take place of the best for children, I saw a judge caught up in his wealth and never imagine what it is to live a poor life with a mental disorder. I saw a judge feel little empathy or offer any encouragement to second chances.

Today I walked out of the courtroom feeling much like I did that dark day I will never forget. That day I was torn, broken, shattered and alone. That day when I stepped from the door that held my heart and faced the streets alone...that day that wasn't all that long ago...that day came flooding back...and tears formed in my eyes as I pondered why I'm really going to do this.

Monday, April 11, 2005

What in the hell has happened to the church?

I found myself listening to a minister who has dearly impacted my life this year even though this in the only time I've met him in person. Don Hatfield played an essential part to my ability to keep pressing forward through the Rantoul nightmare. Don used to be the minister of RCC...yet through tears, gritted teeth and sadness he too walked out of the church and the ministry. It took Don several months to get his heart put back together and he went forward to ministry.

I asked him last night what allowed him to do this for 52 years once experiencing the similar hell I went through at Rantoul. He said something I'll never forget... he said...Lynn this Word keeps me going...I've taught this Word, I've never watered it down or sugar coated it, I've taught it...I've done what God has instructed me to do and I've loved the impossible. That's what keeps me going.

I heard that and thought about myself...I know what he means...but I'm just not there. It took Don 8 mon to go back to ministry after RCC and he had been in ministry 50 years at that point...I'm new and hurt so it's gonna take me at least that time if not longer.

Don then told a few things about a minister here in town that I've heard so much good about. Chris is an amazing man of God from the stories I've heard from those who know him. Yet, he was pushed from his church, locked out, and left with the pain of abandonment to deal with.

I know how he feels, I know the hurt...I know because it's so deep within my heart. But the bigger question is...what in the hell is going on? How do these churches believe that this is remotely what the church is supposed to be about...what is wrong with people and why are the Christian people hurting other Christians so deeply. Don't they understand that we're supposed to have like hearts and like minds...don't they understand when they hurt a Christian they hurt the Kingdom! Don't they see that they are tearing down the soldiers of God...the battle for me at least is no longer with the enemy...it's more with other Christians. We're killing our own and leaving them to die in the pool of criticism...what's wrong with today's church?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jacob Have I Loved....

It's a beautiful spring morning...as I stare out my sliding glass door at the blue sky lined above the parking covering I feel even more lost this morning. I'm so close to the end of this battle I've been fighting...I can taste it...unfortunately I'm not sure it was the ending I was hoping for. I think this week I'm giong to abandon my efforts with IV Bible study. I thought if I kept going it would be me fighting for my faith...but it's getting me nowhere...i feel judged and criticized much of the time which is in turn filling me with critical hatred. The leader is living a double life as he pretends during Bible study that he's not dating or all over this girl who happens to be my friend...but when Bible study is over they can't keep their hands to themselves. I've began to believe that the church is a double standard. It seems like with all my efforts I just come up empty. Ben said something to me this morning...he said no matter what the church says or does...God isn't the church Lynn...keep looking to Him. That statement I've heard so often just seems so empty to me. I'm at the point of tears flowing and just beckoning God to show Himself to me. All the searching, all the crying, all the fighting...I can't find Him. Most of the time what I find are memories of hurt or pain or memories of the youth I love so much.

So I end where I started...the ending is so close I can taste it. This Thurs when Bible study approaches and I decide to stop pushing...an ending is in sight...when my heart stops fighting, when my weary self finds itself somewhere to just sit and rest...when all the pain inside me turns into tears and when the tears turn into rivers....i'll find the end...

Jacob have I loved....I've reminded myself often of the story of Jacob where he wrestles God...I've thought often of that being me not willing to give up...even with a limp. But that thought seems worn out...exausted. I really need Dr. Zorn. I need to tell him thanks but the hurt won't heal....thanks for the direction in the church but my heart isn't there, thanks for educating me but in the end I'm just the wrong person to pass that education on...thanks for praying for me...but God isn't hearing. I need to cry and have Dr. Zorn look at me and say...yell at Him Lynn...just yell at Him... don't hold back...let Him know how much you want it...don't fight the tears..don't fight the hate...don't fight the church...let it all out...where is the person who has impacted me this much to be real...where is he...why is he in Lincoln...at a school that he believes needs help...I guess he's trying to help it.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Pained

What do you do when you realize you have no purpose? I can't describe the last five months. I can't describe what I felt when I heart my friend say she had cancer. I can't describe what I felt when I moved and left the church. I can't describe what I felt when I realized my some people who called themselves friends really just weren't. I can't describe what I felt when my friend constantly brings her boyfriend everywhere with her.

All of the sudden I feel like I don't have much purpose. I've lost my reason to move forward to find and keep hope. I can't describe where I'm at but yesterday described it. I laid on a bench by a water fall...tears formed my face and for the first time in months I prayed to God and begged for something good..anything good. I cried to God and told Him how hurt I am by the church and how lost I feel and that everytime I think of what happened...I can't go forward and that for the first time in my life I see no end to this darkness and that I'm more lonely than I've ever been. That I just can't believe...that I'm lost in a tidal wave of doubt and what if's. Lately I've even gone so far as to even wish I never stepped into the doors of the church at all..not the last church but church all together...that I never made such a step that this beliefs never marked my heart...but really...would I be anywhere different than where I am now? I don't really know...but I'm really hurting today...

I wish that I hadn't been so hurt by the church, by Christians, by people...I wish I felt like living in this world would serve a purpose...but I for some reason....just don't.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Mosaic?

Tonight I went to campus house...now I really didn't want to go...but I'm so glad that I did go. Tonight a girl came and spoke so passionately about something I forgot about. That something I once spoke so passionately about myself has been clouded by the hurt and pain that fill my heart. She spoke about people. She spoke of reconcilliation...she spoke of the fulfillment of reconciliation every time we as Christians love the least of those.

Her passion brought tears to my eyes, it used to be my passion...but now I feel more like the least of those. I feel more like the hurt and broken...possibly destroyed. But tonight I was reminded why I'm going into social work...why it was a ministry for me. Why I loved it so much...because it's helping out the least of those...it's showing some people a picture of God that they may never have seen or showing a wandering sheep what it means to come home. It's loving like Jesus loved, through actions and words.

Yet somewhere deep inside me sits this wall...I can't describe this wall...I know it's strong...I know it's solid and I know it's built well. The wall is there because of the hurt I've experienced. The pain that has become my attire...I wear it so well. It's my mask...this wall...but it's left me stranded...alone...and wandering aimlessly wondering what's next.
She talked out of 2 Cor 5 verses 17 and following....she kept saying I implore you...I beg you to reconcile. I sat with tears in my eyes...she said...you know why your sad...it's because you know that what's happening in your family, in you friends, on your block, in your church isn't right...you know those that hurt you...left their mark...but reconcile with God...I beg you to reconcile with God...make this world one step closer to what God desires it to be....don't stop because of the hurt...please don't stop.

I couldn't help but feel like she was talking straight to me. I wanted to look at her with tears in my eyes and say....I have to stop...I have to...I can't find the reason to go on...I can't find God...I can't find my passion...I feel shunned, hated, manipulated, battered, abused and broken by what we refer to as God's chosen people.

She then said...Pick up the pieces...Sin broke you, destroyed you ..pick up the pieces...as she talked about this she previously read Scripture about the sin as someone had a hammer and hit tiles every time she said a sin...and as she talked about picking up the pieces a girl came and made a beautiful mosaic out of the tiles forming a crown.

At the end she put it up and said...pick up the pieces...those pieces can be used...your not worthless...those that battered you, destroyed, marked you for the streets....reconcile with God and you'll reconcile with them...let their sin build you one step closer to the person God wants you to be.

It was so powerful...I sat and thought about my new pastor and how amazing he is. He loves me so much...he does everything possible to not push me but accept me...inside he's crying the same cry...don't give up.

I've heard a lot of speakers over the past year...most of what I heard I now discount because I've lost heart in their messages...tonight was different. Tonight I saw the person I used to be...the person I valued more than anything...I saw that person speak her heart out...I saw that person when she told of the poor, the downcast and of her rich white church that had nothing to do with them...I saw her when she said...if the church takes me down in the process of loving these people...so be it...I'll leave the church, but no church should turn their backs on their community. I saw myself...but it seemed so far away...It was a glimpse that made me miss myself more than ever. It was glimpse into my past...

I wanted to grab her and say "ARE YOU SURE!" I wanted to hold her by the arms and shake her and say....if this happen...you'll never be the same...you'll never understand it...you'll never question God more until you experience this situation. Are you prepared if God indeed places that end in your path? How will you handle it? -- But instead I walked out of campus house...wondering how do I get back to that passion...how do I get through the wall and is it possible to ever go back...that passion is so broken..into shards of pieces...I'm not sure it will ever be the same again....

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

spring is here.../ friendship

I've heard of people growing out of allergies, I've never heard of people growing into allergies...I feel miserable--horrible--crappy--terrible--awful--and more adjectives.

In other news..if you believe in an ounce of prayer...my friend goes in on Wednesday to have a port put in and then on the 18th she starts chemo. She'll be doing chemo twice a month until fall.

Also...if you think about and you are praying...if you could mention me that wouldn't be a bad idea. The last 6 months have been the hardest six months ever... I've said goodbye too much...and seeing my friend fighting cancer has been hard...chemo sucks the life out of a person...something different sucked the life out of me...but I dread my friend becoming another person like me...and I dread me losing it in front of my friend...it's my turn to be the strong one...

Saturday, March 26, 2005


Garden of the Gods Posted by Hello

The thoughts from the Garden...

This week I sat on top of the Garden of the Gods...these are some of the thoughts I had...

Spring break is almost over for me, my pile of homework faced me, but I will face it with endurance and conquered the obstacle. Grad school is winding down for me...seems that another end is in sight. Thinking of the future faces me once again.

Now I don't really like this...especially now. It's a poor time for me to think of the future. Especially since right now I have no desire what-so-ever to do ministry ever again. Especially since God just seems distant. Especially since my friend is suffering cancer. Especially since I have so much hurt in me and really don't know right from wrong, near from far, lonely from loved.

It seems like a lousy time to think about the future. Yet it is approaching. I have states to visit, cities to explore, schools to talk to, jobs to look at. Yet to be honest...I just don't want to do any of them. I'm not sure what to do with that...other than I don't want to do it. I've grown to hate what I used to love. To be honest I really don't want to do anything that this world has to offer. The only thing I could see myself doing was ministry....but I really have no desire to ever work inside or for the church again.

Some may say it's Satan...I say it's reality. It's my reality. I wake up every single morning feeling empty inside. I wake up everyday pronouncing faith in a God that I have no clue of His existence other than it's all I know. I go to sleep everynight wondering why I wake up the next day. Weekend after weekend occur and the words of the church echo in my mind. I dream everynight of a group of kids that I love so much that I'd give my life for in a heart beat.

I guess what I'm facing here is the inability to move forward because of a broken heart. An unexpected one at that. A month ago I kept saying...I'll make it through...I'll be okay. Those words come out of my mouth less and less often...I breathe that strong air less and less. Each day when I fall asleep...I now utter...thank God I made it...one more day down.

Next week comes another set of surgery for my friend and then chemo after that until fall. What will that look like...will I lose one of the people in my life who has pushed me through in the hardest times over the last two years. Will I loose the person that paved a path and showed me the way? If I don't loose her in body, will I loose her in spirit?

All these thoughts came and went and at the end...I climbed down from the Garden of the Gods and just kept doing what I continue to do...move forward when I'm not sure how to do it. Survival seems to be what I live for...and it seems to be what my friend lives for.

It's hard because I used to talk to this friend about everything...and now I'm there for her...but I find myself empty ...not knowing who to talk to and what to say if I spoke...maybe this God I claimed to fervently really does know my heart...I don't really know...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

His sign read..."broke, stranded, will work for food"

I used to write so that you could read my thoughts...but not anymore...I write today because my thoughts are beating so hard against the walls of my mind that there must be some place for them to go.

A man standing on a cement slab in the middle of a busy intersection...his sign read stranded and broke, will work for food. My car drove by as my mind stopped. I looked in the rearview mirror as if only to picture myself sitting on the slab with him. I heard the voices of my mom, "never stop and pick up a hitchhiker or any male on the side of the road...never stop alone." Her words ring true in this American society we live in today where guns are payback, knives break open the tears and robbery is the path of getting what one deserves.

But why? Why couldn't I stop and help him, why couldn't I talk to him...what couldn't I help him out...why did I have to be one more car that went racing by him...he'll never know that my heart is still there with him. Why?

Reality is I can't even trust the church, so what makes me think I can trust a man in the road. But I sure believe that he would have been more grateful, kinder and more loving than what I experienced inside the doors of the church...even if he did pull a gun on me...would it really hurt as bad as what I'm feeling now. The places we're instructed to feel safe in are hoaxes...only designed to let our guards down so the attack is more brutal...the places that we're designed to fear, only keep us from pursuing the way God designed life to become.

Truth is...I'm that man on that cement path that everyone keeps passing by...broken, poor, stranded and willing to work for some food...some spiritual food. I'm right there with him and i've seen the world pass me by.... He has a story...I have a story...there not the same...but somehow our hearts met as I drove past him and he silently stared at my tail lights. His heart said I'm broke and stranded and hungry and my heart said the same...in one passing moment we both knew the other could help us...but we both knew that I'd never stop my car...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

My New Found Salvation.....


My New Found Salvation Posted by Hello

Anyone who knows me understands that my sense of humor defines me. Lately, that just hasn't been so. I haven't laughed all that much. I cry a lot, I sleep a lot and I dream a lot. Now don't get me wrong I'm far from depressed. I function very normally, eat right, keep my apt. clean....I'm just sad...grieving. In my recent loss, I haven't been able to find my humor. I found an ability to draw and spend many hours doing that instead of cracking jokes. But this weekend...I found an old piece of me again. I saw this soap...and did no other than laugh so hard and then buy it. To get the full effect....here is the directions....

First of all it's tested and approved for all 7 deadly sins and comes in a tempting "do it again" easter lily scent and it reduces guild by 98.9% or more. Directions: 1. Bow head 2. Engage water supply. 3. Pump a generous amount of hand cleanser into palm. 4. Rub hands together religiously 5. Rinse 6. Repent.

It's funny...but all joking aside...it broke my heart too...because I actually said to my friend...maybe if I would have had this 4 months ago, I would be okay now. Now I don't honestly believe that...but I feel like real repentance wasn't good enough...so maybe since real repentance was such a joke...maybe this wouldn't be as funny. I don't really know...but a part of my brokenness seaped into the laughter I enjoyed and made me wish that living the Christian life was as easy as washing your hands with such a product. It made me long for the belief of Catholicism, that I could tell a priest and be okay...maybe it made me long for the church where a priest knows your deepest wrongs and accepts you anyway...maybe there is some truth to their idea of spiritual healing... All I know for sure is that this made me laugh and cry at the same time....

This song...well I listen to it all the time...it's by one of my new favorite bands and it's lyrics tell exactly how I feel.


Artist:
Seventh Day Slumber
Album:
Picking Up The Pieces
Song: My Struggle

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Lord I need your strength
'Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
'Cause I can't tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Must be some mistake.
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Cliff of Spiritual Suicide

If you're looking for the explanation of why I wrote this go to http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

I reach out, your hand so near,
But hurt inside me has taught me to fear.
Their mocking laughter, their judging smiles,
Take place in my mind, for in my shoes I wish they'd walk a mile.

The stars of night, turn into the clouds of day,
As I hear the mockers tell me to pray.
Repent of your ways or you'll eternally burn,
Then to me their backs became completely turned.

Judgement, insults, requests they lay,
But when my heart is broken, their price I pay.
Love is hidden in the darkest night,
When the moon is full it casually takes light.

It matters little that I love them so much,
It matters little because love they don't touch.
Reach deep inside the body that contains the soul,
Toss it aside, Faith has took it's undesired tole.

Without the heart that beats so deep,
I curled up inside and ignored them as I began to weep.
They sat back shaking their heads,
making excuses, and saying 'she made her own bed.'

I walk away, move forward, leaving them behind,
only to recognize that wherever I went they came to mind.
Why didn't they write, why didn't they call,
why didn't they love me when I approached the fall?

The distance created I battle to destroy,
But with every fight, with every swing that distance I employ.
I hate that you don't talk to me, or carry my burden so deep.
I hate that you don't care that my heart is worn and beat.
I hate that you don't listen when my fears go running out,
Because I'm no help to you, you ignore me even when I shout.

Damned your "Christian" ways,
they make me scared of who else you will slay.
All this has shown, I was right about you,
When I said to God that I do love you.

If love was not my soul, mind and heart,
I would care less that you tore me apart.
If love wasn't my eyes, mouth and, ears.
I'd would care less that it's your faith I fear.

So when all is lined and balanced out,
when my heart is tired and stopping the shout.
I stand still in hurt, but love fills my soul,
and I walk away never again to be apart of your role.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My Sanctuary??? Could It be?

Many months ago I wrote about a place I was searching for. This was a place of amazing solitude but amazing love, acceptance yet conviction...it was a place called my sanctuary...a place of safety. To be honest...I had given up on ever finding it because I have pretty much given up on the life of Christianity. My heart hasn't given up on God...but it has given up on Christians.

I really thought it was over when I spoke the other day that I would never force my sister to go back to church. For the first time in the past seven years, it makes sense to me why she left the church never to return. I knew at that moment, I truly meant that and I know at that moment I really wanted to make the same choice for myself. Then I forced myself to the car and said...I'll just go sit outside the church in my car...I won't go in. I pulled up and saw people that I had never seen and like I had never seen...I wanted to follow them. Why would the wealthy and the poor associate together, the different races? I knew what church should be...but I didn't believe that it could be it....until now....

I've been in search of this for a long time now. The last two Sundays I've gone to the same church which is huge for me. I think I may have found my sanctuary. I met the pastor for coffee before even walking through the doors of the church, he was trying to get me to come and after one month of e-mailing me, he invited me for coffee. We sat and I told him my greatest fears, that I'd destroy the church, that I wouldn't be accepted and that I didn't deserve to walk into the building. He sat and listened to me and told me...Lynn we're already destroyed...that's what grace is for.

I attended three weeks after our first meeting, last week. At the end of the service the pastor came up to me and said...how was it? I told him that I think I felt welcome...and he said...that's because you are welcome.

Let me describe this church that I belong in so deeply. It so diverse, so many ethnicities, black, white, asian, hawaiian, indian and the list grows on. It's diverse with rich and poor. Some people come in there who frankly don't smell pleasant, but I smile because they sit next to those of wealth. The drummer is an older man with long matted white hair, and a long matted white beard, his clothes are tattered, his smell unpleasant, but when he plays the drums, he worship his God. When he gets done playing he sat in a chair last week besides a wealthy woman, who wraps her arm around him and said she loved him.

See the wealthy, the elite, recognize one thing in this church that I've seen in no other church or person until now...that they too smell just as bad, look just as tattered, and are worth the exact same before God came to them. This is a church of acceptance and grace...and this is a church where they love their community. They fund a food pantry, soup kitchen, health clinic, work with crisis nursery, habitat for humanity, overseas missions and their own youth.

Yesterday the youth minister and I talked...he wants me to be involved with the youth group, and I told him just couldn't right now. We began discussing why and he looked at me and said...you talk as if you lost your first love...and I told him that's because I did...I loved those kids...he told me that he understood. He told me that he experienced that hurt and when I've healed up and feel ready to give again to let him know. God always gives me youth, everywhere I go...I never have to worry about it...it's strange because I actually thought that that might end because I destroyed the last ministry...but God is reminding me that He is faithful and just...

It's amazing because the minister loves me, he told me he does...and he hugs me and accepts me...the most amazing part of that is that he accepts me when I cry through church, he accepted me that month that I refused to come and he accepts me now even when I doubt that their love is sincere or that they won't abandon me. He loves me even though I'm scared that God will deem me worthless and lay me aside never to use again. The youth minister and the minister of the church have done what I needed, they came around me and accepted me, requesting nothing from me, and promising me one thing...that if I'm open that this congregation will wrap their arms around me so tight that I'll once again feel accepted, whole and loved. And through that they told me that I'll find God again...they just know I will.

Confidence...without their confidence in me...I'd never go back! They really have no reason to believe in me, but they believe in me because they love their God and have seen Him turn rags to riches everyday.

Friday, March 04, 2005

I'm still going to be an aunt

I'm going to be an aunt! Just thought I'd say it again. I'm also really stinkin sick! who needs that. I'm going to be an aunt! That means a baby is coming into our family. I'm going to be an aunt. That's all I have to say at 8:30 on a Friday morning.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Aunt Lynn

I'm going to be an aunt...that's all I have to say about that!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

They Turn Their Backs

Today while driving in the car I realized something...I'm hurt by people. I know...silly right...shouldn't I have known that? Truth is I probably should have, truth also is, I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather not talk about how weak I am and how peoples thoughts and feelings affect me so deeply, truth is I'd rather not dwell on the fact that I crumble so quickly and falter so suddenly. I'd rather think about the fact that I'm stubborn and can show anyone how they can never knock me down, I'd rather portray that I don't care what you think about me...but truth is...I do. I care a lot.

I care what you think because if I don't care, then I obviously don't care about you and I care too much about people. If I didn't love people I wouldn't be going into social work. It's amazing to me how at one moment someone can think you're amazing and think you're so wonderful and you have a good heart and you're funny and gifted and then the next they think that you suck, they realize you're not perfect and instead of looking to themselves and understanding that they too aren't perfect, it's easier to point their fingers at you and blame you instead.

Have you noticed how easy it is for people to turn their backs on each other. Then the world wonders why children turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex. They wonder why women are hookers and dress provocatively, but how else do they get attention. They wonder why society is turning away from the church instead of towards the church, but I know why. It's because too many people in this world expect perfection. I'm guilty of it too, but I'm challenging myself to not expect perfection, but instead seek to expect myself to love unconditionally, because it's a love I've experienced little of. My passion, my heart, to show the hurt, broken, forgotten, unloved what it means to be loved, remembered, healed and beautiful...what are you doing? Don't make my job harder, don't break more people down, build them up...and don't break me down...because it's sure hard to love others when I hate you. Oh my burdened heart...to be free from worry, free from pain, and free from you. My prayers continue to rise for this moment...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Call it what you will....

So it's that time of year again...the time where my anxiety runs high, my mind runs low, and I sleep too much...that's right...midterms. They aren't as bad as finals but they make me wish that I had opened my books the day before the test. But what can you do...if I indeed opened my books, that would mean that I was studious and if I were studious then that would mean that I wasn't Lynn. I've recently realized that I really enjoy school...it's something stable in my life and since I'm not sure what else in my life is stable, it's nice to have something that is.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life and how disappointing it really can be...now I'm not ready to off myself or anything...I don't think I'd ever get there, but I've thought a lot about where I'm at in life. I've decided that it's time to be honest with myself. I'm highly disappointed with life. I've made some changes lately, that I hope will give me a new focus, but it all takes time. Why am I dissappointed? Well at 23 I'm at a state where I don't trust what I've trusted my whole life...I've realized that at the drop of a hat I can go from being an amazing person to being a horrible person in the minds of those who know me. I've realized that people justify their actions by forming opinions about my personality. I've realized that I have to be perfect for everyone who meets me...and that is impossible. I'm beginning to hold on strongly to my friends that make me feel valued...people like Kristin, Emily, Liz, Katie, April, Dejuan, Ben, and even Jason...although I don't really talk to him much because he won't stop hitting on me...

I'm trying to take my focus off the people who judge, criticize, speculate, use, and manipulate me. It's those who you tell them...when you do this, I feel like this and they put the blame back on you that I'm sketchy of. It's those that act like they know you when they've only met you briefly and never really do things with you...it's those that think their good...that they are humble..that they are "Christian" that make me wish I wasn't associated with them...so I'm trying something new....I'm not hanging around such people...I'm not talking to such people...call it rude, call it judgemental...call it what you will...but I call it survival...if I don't take some space from them...I'll leave my faith all together and I'll never return to what you call church...so call it what you will...but I can't take it any longer....

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Here I Am

Here I am...my first post from my new apt....it's weird...I drove away from Rantoul yesterday and just started crying...no idea why...just did...wasn't thinking of anything...but the tears wouldn't stop...my dad called to ask me a question and then in his own way told me he loved me by telling me not to work too hard and such...I hung the phone up...and something hit me. But it wasn't long and my tears stopped as suddenly as they started...and here I sit today. After 7 or 8 trips hauling, many hours unpacking...I'm almost settled in...although I have way more stuff than any 23 year old should need... So here I am...my first morning waking up and wondering what comes next...I feel settled here already, which is odd...it just feels right..no mysteriousness...it's home and having a roommate seems so easy and nice. It reminds me everyday that some people do like me... So here I am. When I used to say this phrase I'd usually follow it up by 'Send me' and I usually said it to God...but I'm not sure where God would send me...I've got no where to go. Maybe I'll attempt this thing we call church today...only because the church I'm looking at is in a business building...I can't walk into a church that looks like a church....maybe I won't cry all the way through the service and have people star at me...maybe I won't be embarrassed...maybe I'll find healing and love and acceptance and a smile...just maybe...

To further your read...
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

Friday, February 25, 2005

Sorry -right now I'm having trouble expressing myself..and songs appear good...if you're annoyed by this...check out real posts on my xanga site http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

Never Underestimate My Jesus

Never Underestimate My Jesus - Reliant K

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin


CHORUS:
Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

CHORUS

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

CHORUS (2x)

You will be strong (3x)

Thursday, February 24, 2005

New Design

New Design by Thousand Foot Krutch

Wait, I might hesitate
Am I a minute too late?
Please Lord, I need to know
This pressure's got me lettin' go
If I'm wrong, will I still carry on
And end up where I belong?

BRIDGE
I've never felt this way before
I've never come so close
I've never worn so thin
I'm stepping out
Instead of closing in
Left myself behind
When I made up my mind
No turnin' back this time
This is my new design

CHORUS
Sometimes I feel so alone
It feels like I'm standing out here on my own
I've never felt so far from home
It's comin' on, it hits me
When I step outside my zone
Cause sometimes, I feel so alone
It feels like I'm standing out here on my own
I've never felt so far from home
It's comin' on, it hits me
When I step outside my zone
I see what you're doin' to me
Could have been you so easilyY
ou look the other way
Even though we were close the other day
And I'm still tryin' to get up this hil
lI need you just like a pill

BRIDGECHORUS

Do you get the feelin'
Everything will be alright?
I'm movin'
So pleased to meet you
But I am movin' on
Tried to pass it to another
But it's comin' on
I can't wait to find out
Break me, can't seem to climb out
Of this hole, I'm stuck again
If I'm not out in a minute
I'm jumpin' in
Let's start again
I'm sick of this
Let's just get it out
Are ya feelin' it?
Move back
Ya wanna feel how real it is
Let's just get it out
Are ya feelin' it?
Move back
Ya wanna feel how real it is

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

This Is A Call

by: Thousand Foot Krutch


She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong, but she still sleeps with her light on, and she acts like It's all right on, as she smiles again her mother lies there sickwith cancer, and her friends don't understand her, she's a question without answers, who feelslike falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless, but she needs to find her purpose, she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, ' Cause everytime I fall down, Ireach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm askingyou, to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story, because he feels his life is boring, and he fights so you won't ignore him, because that's his biggest fear, and he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it. He loves, but he's scared to use it. So he hides behind the music, cause he likes it that way.

He knows, He's so much more than worthless, he needs to find the surface, because he's starting toget nervous.

He's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, ' Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm askingyou, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before? 'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore. Take me to place where nothing's wrong and thanks for coming, shut the door. They say someone out there sees us,Well if you're real then save me Jesus, cause I've been here for far too long.

I wasn't meant to feel alone.And now I'm calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, 'Cause everytime I falldown, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about. Show me what this life is all about. Show me what this life is all about