Tuesday, March 29, 2005

spring is here.../ friendship

I've heard of people growing out of allergies, I've never heard of people growing into allergies...I feel miserable--horrible--crappy--terrible--awful--and more adjectives.

In other news..if you believe in an ounce of prayer...my friend goes in on Wednesday to have a port put in and then on the 18th she starts chemo. She'll be doing chemo twice a month until fall.

Also...if you think about and you are praying...if you could mention me that wouldn't be a bad idea. The last 6 months have been the hardest six months ever... I've said goodbye too much...and seeing my friend fighting cancer has been hard...chemo sucks the life out of a person...something different sucked the life out of me...but I dread my friend becoming another person like me...and I dread me losing it in front of my friend...it's my turn to be the strong one...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Garden of the Gods Posted by Hello

The thoughts from the Garden...

This week I sat on top of the Garden of the Gods...these are some of the thoughts I had...

Spring break is almost over for me, my pile of homework faced me, but I will face it with endurance and conquered the obstacle. Grad school is winding down for me...seems that another end is in sight. Thinking of the future faces me once again.

Now I don't really like this...especially now. It's a poor time for me to think of the future. Especially since right now I have no desire what-so-ever to do ministry ever again. Especially since God just seems distant. Especially since my friend is suffering cancer. Especially since I have so much hurt in me and really don't know right from wrong, near from far, lonely from loved.

It seems like a lousy time to think about the future. Yet it is approaching. I have states to visit, cities to explore, schools to talk to, jobs to look at. Yet to be honest...I just don't want to do any of them. I'm not sure what to do with that...other than I don't want to do it. I've grown to hate what I used to love. To be honest I really don't want to do anything that this world has to offer. The only thing I could see myself doing was ministry....but I really have no desire to ever work inside or for the church again.

Some may say it's Satan...I say it's reality. It's my reality. I wake up every single morning feeling empty inside. I wake up everyday pronouncing faith in a God that I have no clue of His existence other than it's all I know. I go to sleep everynight wondering why I wake up the next day. Weekend after weekend occur and the words of the church echo in my mind. I dream everynight of a group of kids that I love so much that I'd give my life for in a heart beat.

I guess what I'm facing here is the inability to move forward because of a broken heart. An unexpected one at that. A month ago I kept saying...I'll make it through...I'll be okay. Those words come out of my mouth less and less often...I breathe that strong air less and less. Each day when I fall asleep...I now utter...thank God I made it...one more day down.

Next week comes another set of surgery for my friend and then chemo after that until fall. What will that look like...will I lose one of the people in my life who has pushed me through in the hardest times over the last two years. Will I loose the person that paved a path and showed me the way? If I don't loose her in body, will I loose her in spirit?

All these thoughts came and went and at the end...I climbed down from the Garden of the Gods and just kept doing what I continue to do...move forward when I'm not sure how to do it. Survival seems to be what I live for...and it seems to be what my friend lives for.

It's hard because I used to talk to this friend about everything...and now I'm there for her...but I find myself empty ...not knowing who to talk to and what to say if I spoke...maybe this God I claimed to fervently really does know my heart...I don't really know...

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

His sign read..."broke, stranded, will work for food"

I used to write so that you could read my thoughts...but not anymore...I write today because my thoughts are beating so hard against the walls of my mind that there must be some place for them to go.

A man standing on a cement slab in the middle of a busy intersection...his sign read stranded and broke, will work for food. My car drove by as my mind stopped. I looked in the rearview mirror as if only to picture myself sitting on the slab with him. I heard the voices of my mom, "never stop and pick up a hitchhiker or any male on the side of the road...never stop alone." Her words ring true in this American society we live in today where guns are payback, knives break open the tears and robbery is the path of getting what one deserves.

But why? Why couldn't I stop and help him, why couldn't I talk to him...what couldn't I help him out...why did I have to be one more car that went racing by him...he'll never know that my heart is still there with him. Why?

Reality is I can't even trust the church, so what makes me think I can trust a man in the road. But I sure believe that he would have been more grateful, kinder and more loving than what I experienced inside the doors of the church...even if he did pull a gun on me...would it really hurt as bad as what I'm feeling now. The places we're instructed to feel safe in are hoaxes...only designed to let our guards down so the attack is more brutal...the places that we're designed to fear, only keep us from pursuing the way God designed life to become.

Truth is...I'm that man on that cement path that everyone keeps passing by...broken, poor, stranded and willing to work for some food...some spiritual food. I'm right there with him and i've seen the world pass me by.... He has a story...I have a story...there not the same...but somehow our hearts met as I drove past him and he silently stared at my tail lights. His heart said I'm broke and stranded and hungry and my heart said the same...in one passing moment we both knew the other could help us...but we both knew that I'd never stop my car...

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

My New Found Salvation.....

My New Found Salvation Posted by Hello

Anyone who knows me understands that my sense of humor defines me. Lately, that just hasn't been so. I haven't laughed all that much. I cry a lot, I sleep a lot and I dream a lot. Now don't get me wrong I'm far from depressed. I function very normally, eat right, keep my apt. clean....I'm just sad...grieving. In my recent loss, I haven't been able to find my humor. I found an ability to draw and spend many hours doing that instead of cracking jokes. But this weekend...I found an old piece of me again. I saw this soap...and did no other than laugh so hard and then buy it. To get the full effect....here is the directions....

First of all it's tested and approved for all 7 deadly sins and comes in a tempting "do it again" easter lily scent and it reduces guild by 98.9% or more. Directions: 1. Bow head 2. Engage water supply. 3. Pump a generous amount of hand cleanser into palm. 4. Rub hands together religiously 5. Rinse 6. Repent.

It's funny...but all joking aside...it broke my heart too...because I actually said to my friend...maybe if I would have had this 4 months ago, I would be okay now. Now I don't honestly believe that...but I feel like real repentance wasn't good enough...so maybe since real repentance was such a joke...maybe this wouldn't be as funny. I don't really know...but a part of my brokenness seaped into the laughter I enjoyed and made me wish that living the Christian life was as easy as washing your hands with such a product. It made me long for the belief of Catholicism, that I could tell a priest and be okay...maybe it made me long for the church where a priest knows your deepest wrongs and accepts you anyway...maybe there is some truth to their idea of spiritual healing... All I know for sure is that this made me laugh and cry at the same time....

This song...well I listen to it all the time...it's by one of my new favorite bands and it's lyrics tell exactly how I feel.

Seventh Day Slumber
Picking Up The Pieces
Song: My Struggle

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Lord I need your strength
'Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
'Cause I can't tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Must be some mistake.
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

The Cliff of Spiritual Suicide

If you're looking for the explanation of why I wrote this go to http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

I reach out, your hand so near,
But hurt inside me has taught me to fear.
Their mocking laughter, their judging smiles,
Take place in my mind, for in my shoes I wish they'd walk a mile.

The stars of night, turn into the clouds of day,
As I hear the mockers tell me to pray.
Repent of your ways or you'll eternally burn,
Then to me their backs became completely turned.

Judgement, insults, requests they lay,
But when my heart is broken, their price I pay.
Love is hidden in the darkest night,
When the moon is full it casually takes light.

It matters little that I love them so much,
It matters little because love they don't touch.
Reach deep inside the body that contains the soul,
Toss it aside, Faith has took it's undesired tole.

Without the heart that beats so deep,
I curled up inside and ignored them as I began to weep.
They sat back shaking their heads,
making excuses, and saying 'she made her own bed.'

I walk away, move forward, leaving them behind,
only to recognize that wherever I went they came to mind.
Why didn't they write, why didn't they call,
why didn't they love me when I approached the fall?

The distance created I battle to destroy,
But with every fight, with every swing that distance I employ.
I hate that you don't talk to me, or carry my burden so deep.
I hate that you don't care that my heart is worn and beat.
I hate that you don't listen when my fears go running out,
Because I'm no help to you, you ignore me even when I shout.

Damned your "Christian" ways,
they make me scared of who else you will slay.
All this has shown, I was right about you,
When I said to God that I do love you.

If love was not my soul, mind and heart,
I would care less that you tore me apart.
If love wasn't my eyes, mouth and, ears.
I'd would care less that it's your faith I fear.

So when all is lined and balanced out,
when my heart is tired and stopping the shout.
I stand still in hurt, but love fills my soul,
and I walk away never again to be apart of your role.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

My Sanctuary??? Could It be?

Many months ago I wrote about a place I was searching for. This was a place of amazing solitude but amazing love, acceptance yet conviction...it was a place called my sanctuary...a place of safety. To be honest...I had given up on ever finding it because I have pretty much given up on the life of Christianity. My heart hasn't given up on God...but it has given up on Christians.

I really thought it was over when I spoke the other day that I would never force my sister to go back to church. For the first time in the past seven years, it makes sense to me why she left the church never to return. I knew at that moment, I truly meant that and I know at that moment I really wanted to make the same choice for myself. Then I forced myself to the car and said...I'll just go sit outside the church in my car...I won't go in. I pulled up and saw people that I had never seen and like I had never seen...I wanted to follow them. Why would the wealthy and the poor associate together, the different races? I knew what church should be...but I didn't believe that it could be it....until now....

I've been in search of this for a long time now. The last two Sundays I've gone to the same church which is huge for me. I think I may have found my sanctuary. I met the pastor for coffee before even walking through the doors of the church, he was trying to get me to come and after one month of e-mailing me, he invited me for coffee. We sat and I told him my greatest fears, that I'd destroy the church, that I wouldn't be accepted and that I didn't deserve to walk into the building. He sat and listened to me and told me...Lynn we're already destroyed...that's what grace is for.

I attended three weeks after our first meeting, last week. At the end of the service the pastor came up to me and said...how was it? I told him that I think I felt welcome...and he said...that's because you are welcome.

Let me describe this church that I belong in so deeply. It so diverse, so many ethnicities, black, white, asian, hawaiian, indian and the list grows on. It's diverse with rich and poor. Some people come in there who frankly don't smell pleasant, but I smile because they sit next to those of wealth. The drummer is an older man with long matted white hair, and a long matted white beard, his clothes are tattered, his smell unpleasant, but when he plays the drums, he worship his God. When he gets done playing he sat in a chair last week besides a wealthy woman, who wraps her arm around him and said she loved him.

See the wealthy, the elite, recognize one thing in this church that I've seen in no other church or person until now...that they too smell just as bad, look just as tattered, and are worth the exact same before God came to them. This is a church of acceptance and grace...and this is a church where they love their community. They fund a food pantry, soup kitchen, health clinic, work with crisis nursery, habitat for humanity, overseas missions and their own youth.

Yesterday the youth minister and I talked...he wants me to be involved with the youth group, and I told him just couldn't right now. We began discussing why and he looked at me and said...you talk as if you lost your first love...and I told him that's because I did...I loved those kids...he told me that he understood. He told me that he experienced that hurt and when I've healed up and feel ready to give again to let him know. God always gives me youth, everywhere I go...I never have to worry about it...it's strange because I actually thought that that might end because I destroyed the last ministry...but God is reminding me that He is faithful and just...

It's amazing because the minister loves me, he told me he does...and he hugs me and accepts me...the most amazing part of that is that he accepts me when I cry through church, he accepted me that month that I refused to come and he accepts me now even when I doubt that their love is sincere or that they won't abandon me. He loves me even though I'm scared that God will deem me worthless and lay me aside never to use again. The youth minister and the minister of the church have done what I needed, they came around me and accepted me, requesting nothing from me, and promising me one thing...that if I'm open that this congregation will wrap their arms around me so tight that I'll once again feel accepted, whole and loved. And through that they told me that I'll find God again...they just know I will.

Confidence...without their confidence in me...I'd never go back! They really have no reason to believe in me, but they believe in me because they love their God and have seen Him turn rags to riches everyday.

Friday, March 04, 2005

I'm still going to be an aunt

I'm going to be an aunt! Just thought I'd say it again. I'm also really stinkin sick! who needs that. I'm going to be an aunt! That means a baby is coming into our family. I'm going to be an aunt. That's all I have to say at 8:30 on a Friday morning.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Aunt Lynn

I'm going to be an aunt...that's all I have to say about that!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

They Turn Their Backs

Today while driving in the car I realized something...I'm hurt by people. I know...silly right...shouldn't I have known that? Truth is I probably should have, truth also is, I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather not talk about how weak I am and how peoples thoughts and feelings affect me so deeply, truth is I'd rather not dwell on the fact that I crumble so quickly and falter so suddenly. I'd rather think about the fact that I'm stubborn and can show anyone how they can never knock me down, I'd rather portray that I don't care what you think about me...but truth is...I do. I care a lot.

I care what you think because if I don't care, then I obviously don't care about you and I care too much about people. If I didn't love people I wouldn't be going into social work. It's amazing to me how at one moment someone can think you're amazing and think you're so wonderful and you have a good heart and you're funny and gifted and then the next they think that you suck, they realize you're not perfect and instead of looking to themselves and understanding that they too aren't perfect, it's easier to point their fingers at you and blame you instead.

Have you noticed how easy it is for people to turn their backs on each other. Then the world wonders why children turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex. They wonder why women are hookers and dress provocatively, but how else do they get attention. They wonder why society is turning away from the church instead of towards the church, but I know why. It's because too many people in this world expect perfection. I'm guilty of it too, but I'm challenging myself to not expect perfection, but instead seek to expect myself to love unconditionally, because it's a love I've experienced little of. My passion, my heart, to show the hurt, broken, forgotten, unloved what it means to be loved, remembered, healed and beautiful...what are you doing? Don't make my job harder, don't break more people down, build them up...and don't break me down...because it's sure hard to love others when I hate you. Oh my burdened heart...to be free from worry, free from pain, and free from you. My prayers continue to rise for this moment...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Call it what you will....

So it's that time of year again...the time where my anxiety runs high, my mind runs low, and I sleep too much...that's right...midterms. They aren't as bad as finals but they make me wish that I had opened my books the day before the test. But what can you do...if I indeed opened my books, that would mean that I was studious and if I were studious then that would mean that I wasn't Lynn. I've recently realized that I really enjoy school...it's something stable in my life and since I'm not sure what else in my life is stable, it's nice to have something that is.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life and how disappointing it really can be...now I'm not ready to off myself or anything...I don't think I'd ever get there, but I've thought a lot about where I'm at in life. I've decided that it's time to be honest with myself. I'm highly disappointed with life. I've made some changes lately, that I hope will give me a new focus, but it all takes time. Why am I dissappointed? Well at 23 I'm at a state where I don't trust what I've trusted my whole life...I've realized that at the drop of a hat I can go from being an amazing person to being a horrible person in the minds of those who know me. I've realized that people justify their actions by forming opinions about my personality. I've realized that I have to be perfect for everyone who meets me...and that is impossible. I'm beginning to hold on strongly to my friends that make me feel valued...people like Kristin, Emily, Liz, Katie, April, Dejuan, Ben, and even Jason...although I don't really talk to him much because he won't stop hitting on me...

I'm trying to take my focus off the people who judge, criticize, speculate, use, and manipulate me. It's those who you tell them...when you do this, I feel like this and they put the blame back on you that I'm sketchy of. It's those that act like they know you when they've only met you briefly and never really do things with you...it's those that think their good...that they are humble..that they are "Christian" that make me wish I wasn't associated with them...so I'm trying something new....I'm not hanging around such people...I'm not talking to such people...call it rude, call it judgemental...call it what you will...but I call it survival...if I don't take some space from them...I'll leave my faith all together and I'll never return to what you call church...so call it what you will...but I can't take it any longer....