Call it what you will....

So it's that time of year again...the time where my anxiety runs high, my mind runs low, and I sleep too much...that's right...midterms. They aren't as bad as finals but they make me wish that I had opened my books the day before the test. But what can you do...if I indeed opened my books, that would mean that I was studious and if I were studious then that would mean that I wasn't Lynn. I've recently realized that I really enjoy school...it's something stable in my life and since I'm not sure what else in my life is stable, it's nice to have something that is.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life and how disappointing it really can be...now I'm not ready to off myself or anything...I don't think I'd ever get there, but I've thought a lot about where I'm at in life. I've decided that it's time to be honest with myself. I'm highly disappointed with life. I've made some changes lately, that I hope will give me a new focus, but it all takes time. Why am I dissappointed? Well at 23 I'm at a state where I don't trust what I've trusted my whole life...I've realized that at the drop of a hat I can go from being an amazing person to being a horrible person in the minds of those who know me. I've realized that people justify their actions by forming opinions about my personality. I've realized that I have to be perfect for everyone who meets me...and that is impossible. I'm beginning to hold on strongly to my friends that make me feel valued...people like Kristin, Emily, Liz, Katie, April, Dejuan, Ben, and even Jason...although I don't really talk to him much because he won't stop hitting on me...

I'm trying to take my focus off the people who judge, criticize, speculate, use, and manipulate me. It's those who you tell them...when you do this, I feel like this and they put the blame back on you that I'm sketchy of. It's those that act like they know you when they've only met you briefly and never really do things with you...it's those that think their good...that they are humble..that they are "Christian" that make me wish I wasn't associated with them...so I'm trying something new....I'm not hanging around such people...I'm not talking to such people...call it rude, call it judgemental...call it what you will...but I call it survival...if I don't take some space from them...I'll leave my faith all together and I'll never return to what you call church...so call it what you will...but I can't take it any longer....