Saturday, March 26, 2005

The thoughts from the Garden...

This week I sat on top of the Garden of the Gods...these are some of the thoughts I had...

Spring break is almost over for me, my pile of homework faced me, but I will face it with endurance and conquered the obstacle. Grad school is winding down for me...seems that another end is in sight. Thinking of the future faces me once again.

Now I don't really like this...especially now. It's a poor time for me to think of the future. Especially since right now I have no desire what-so-ever to do ministry ever again. Especially since God just seems distant. Especially since my friend is suffering cancer. Especially since I have so much hurt in me and really don't know right from wrong, near from far, lonely from loved.

It seems like a lousy time to think about the future. Yet it is approaching. I have states to visit, cities to explore, schools to talk to, jobs to look at. Yet to be honest...I just don't want to do any of them. I'm not sure what to do with that...other than I don't want to do it. I've grown to hate what I used to love. To be honest I really don't want to do anything that this world has to offer. The only thing I could see myself doing was ministry....but I really have no desire to ever work inside or for the church again.

Some may say it's Satan...I say it's reality. It's my reality. I wake up every single morning feeling empty inside. I wake up everyday pronouncing faith in a God that I have no clue of His existence other than it's all I know. I go to sleep everynight wondering why I wake up the next day. Weekend after weekend occur and the words of the church echo in my mind. I dream everynight of a group of kids that I love so much that I'd give my life for in a heart beat.

I guess what I'm facing here is the inability to move forward because of a broken heart. An unexpected one at that. A month ago I kept saying...I'll make it through...I'll be okay. Those words come out of my mouth less and less often...I breathe that strong air less and less. Each day when I fall asleep...I now utter...thank God I made it...one more day down.

Next week comes another set of surgery for my friend and then chemo after that until fall. What will that look like...will I lose one of the people in my life who has pushed me through in the hardest times over the last two years. Will I loose the person that paved a path and showed me the way? If I don't loose her in body, will I loose her in spirit?

All these thoughts came and went and at the end...I climbed down from the Garden of the Gods and just kept doing what I continue to do...move forward when I'm not sure how to do it. Survival seems to be what I live for...and it seems to be what my friend lives for.

It's hard because I used to talk to this friend about everything...and now I'm there for her...but I find myself empty ...not knowing who to talk to and what to say if I spoke...maybe this God I claimed to fervently really does know my heart...I don't really know...

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lynn,

I would say that God had me stumble onto this site. Friends of ours wanted us to ride from Kentucky over to Gardens of the Gods. I would not go. I cannot go to a place that says Gods. I know from scripture that God is a jealous God and will not share. So this morning I started researching the Gardens of the Gods to find origin of it. We are told to test the spirits to see where they come from. So in the search I found your site.
I felt lead to respond to you. I hope that since you wrote this you have found some of your answers. It's hard to be in the place you are in.
But here is what I have been learning from God. Put the kingdom of God first and all things will follow. Meaning that sometimes we put to much emphasis on our church, or school, work, family,friends. God wants us to put him first no matter what. He will test us to see how much we really do love Him. Sometimes that test may be a few days or even years. Part of that is do to us learning from man instead of God Himself through scripture and praylife and our walk with God.
A lot of us open doors that we cannot close without the help of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior.
Those doors might be things we read, tv shows we watch, people we listen to, ways we conduct ourselves, churches we do not belong in, objects in our homes that are offensive to God, places that are offensive to God (Gardens of the Gods).
We are told to work out our salvation. We must constantly be in scripture and researching and questioning what we are told to see if it lines up with God.
That emptiness you are feeling will be sent of God to get you to turn from things that you thought were right but God says different. It is not that He is not answering you, actually He is. That is why you have a struggle in your spirit. God gives you peace when you are in His will. When out of His will there is no peace for you.
I hope this helps you. Most of all focus on God and His word, not man.
Go to Him with in repentance and ask Him to reveal to you what is not of Him.

7:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is my blog...not yours...you have no business 'super holying' yourself on my place of freedom. I can't even believe you refuse to see such a gorgeous creation of God due to your super holiness. God created the place and how unfair of you to judge it. Please do not comment on my site.
Lynn

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lynn,

God created Eygpt but pulled His people from there. There are lots of things that God created that people have trashed with there filth. Devil's Rock is one of the places there. Phaoroh's camp is another one. There are things and places that God has us stay away from. Even those that are rebellious to Him and His ways. I will gladly dust off from your blog. Which became public the minute you put it on line. If you don't want people commenting on your blog then remove the comment section. God is the one who is Holy, not myself, I just try very hard not to offend the one who gives me every breath. I have read the Bible enough times to know what offends Him and what does not.

10:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i asked you to stop commenting. I made this site for me to express myself, not for you to critique it. this site is something i haven't updated in a long time and the entries in it are personal to myself. i don't need your critiques or you biblical self praise. it's people like you who i struggle with. so as I've asked...please do not further comment on MY site. if you feel the need to self praise, make your own site. it's simple..go to blogspot.com.

lynn

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and further more...my relationship with God is simply that...mine...and who are you to judge it. I highly doubt God is offended by my visiting his creation. It is a place of solace for me, a place where God is so completely clear and miraculous to me. A place of no contempt or judgement...so DO NOT judge me or my relationship with God. It is nothing like your relationship because it's mine. God accepts that his realationship with all his children is different because we are different. So in your very words...please research your relationship with God and why you feel the need to publically expose it by comparing yours to mine (a person you have never met). Doesn't that question sound ridiculous..now maybe you understand why I do not want your posts on MY site. Yes it's public and I want it to be...because people who KNOW me read it and understand me and love me...you just critcize...and judge...you I don't want posting.

11:35 AM  

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