Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Grandma

Grandma is in the hospital...my mom just told me to sit tight and do my homework...that is so easy for her to say and impossible for me to do...I'm offically going stir crazy. I can't stand not being there...I can't stand not see how she is myself...I can't stand not seeing her smile. Two years ago when she was in the hospital and my mom was in KY ...I came to the hospital everyday for a month and I remember one Sunday I skipped church and went to sit with grandma...I walked into the room and she had tears running down her face...no one had came to shower her or comb her hair, no one brought her ice for her water and no one opened her shades. I came in and fixed her up, brought scissors and gave her a hair cut, got her showered and changed and we sat together all day...it was the best church service ever...I love my grandma...I want to know that these things are done for her...I want her to know that I'm there. I really want to drop my classes and go sit with grandma...but i have two weeks left...I've got to hold on...but I need to be there.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Future Prospects...Social Work

So life seems to be crazy lately. My heart is completely broken for my friend who looks at the real possiblity of jail time...for my other friend who begins chemo on Monday...and for pure confusion. Yet I find myself ever thankful for my new pastor who never hesitates to let me know that he is God's hands and feet and when I can't see God in my life...he's there telling me...God's there.

In the past two weeks it seems as if I have a dating prospect. I'm not certain really because I'm so stupid when it comes to dating...I can't pick up a hint to save my soul...my roomie would agree completely as she was the one to say...he likes you Lynn...hmm...I'm dumb. But I'm still not certain. We've been friends forever, therefore making it different to even think about it...but my mom offers her famous words...friendship make the best relationships...let it run it's course. Donna tells me I'm scared of stability...boy is she right. I've never really had much of it in my life...therefore making change way more acceptable to me.

To be honest there is that beauty in having that someone there...but I've never had much luck with this and I just don't want to get into something that will hurt me in the end. I personally am so sick of the dating game. I have no inherent interest in it any longer.

So with this on top of everything...I seem to have came to the breaking point of lifting my hands to the sky and saying come on God!

Still trying to figure out how to come up with 1200 dollars by the 29th...i love this lady and refuse to see her in jail...but even greater...for the sake of her beautiful children who made me smile so much over the past few years...granted if they were adopted...that placement would have been so much better...but that was ruined..and dad's a complete jackass...whose neglectful..these kids need their mother...and if I can't give them their mother...why even bother doing social work...don't worry G and D...I'll make it happen....come on God...this one isn't for me!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

The Court Room....

Today I sat in a court room all afternoon. Let me tell you, I walked out of the court room angry...but my anger developed from earlier seeds.

I'm going into social work because after reading about the ministry of Jesus, I see a social worker...I see Jesus clearer in His actions. More than anything I want to try to help people in a way that would make Jesus smile and cry and all the emotions that He feels. Not so I can be appreciated but so people can find Jesus ...the people who are scared of the church.

Today I walked on of court feeling a feeling that was all too common to me. That feeling was one of heartache as I realized that this world is no easy place. I saw two grown ups unable to communicate in an effective fashion...I saw a battle take place of the best for children, I saw a judge caught up in his wealth and never imagine what it is to live a poor life with a mental disorder. I saw a judge feel little empathy or offer any encouragement to second chances.

Today I walked out of the courtroom feeling much like I did that dark day I will never forget. That day I was torn, broken, shattered and alone. That day when I stepped from the door that held my heart and faced the streets alone...that day that wasn't all that long ago...that day came flooding back...and tears formed in my eyes as I pondered why I'm really going to do this.

Monday, April 11, 2005

What in the hell has happened to the church?

I found myself listening to a minister who has dearly impacted my life this year even though this in the only time I've met him in person. Don Hatfield played an essential part to my ability to keep pressing forward through the Rantoul nightmare. Don used to be the minister of RCC...yet through tears, gritted teeth and sadness he too walked out of the church and the ministry. It took Don several months to get his heart put back together and he went forward to ministry.

I asked him last night what allowed him to do this for 52 years once experiencing the similar hell I went through at Rantoul. He said something I'll never forget... he said...Lynn this Word keeps me going...I've taught this Word, I've never watered it down or sugar coated it, I've taught it...I've done what God has instructed me to do and I've loved the impossible. That's what keeps me going.

I heard that and thought about myself...I know what he means...but I'm just not there. It took Don 8 mon to go back to ministry after RCC and he had been in ministry 50 years at that point...I'm new and hurt so it's gonna take me at least that time if not longer.

Don then told a few things about a minister here in town that I've heard so much good about. Chris is an amazing man of God from the stories I've heard from those who know him. Yet, he was pushed from his church, locked out, and left with the pain of abandonment to deal with.

I know how he feels, I know the hurt...I know because it's so deep within my heart. But the bigger question is...what in the hell is going on? How do these churches believe that this is remotely what the church is supposed to be about...what is wrong with people and why are the Christian people hurting other Christians so deeply. Don't they understand that we're supposed to have like hearts and like minds...don't they understand when they hurt a Christian they hurt the Kingdom! Don't they see that they are tearing down the soldiers of God...the battle for me at least is no longer with the enemy...it's more with other Christians. We're killing our own and leaving them to die in the pool of criticism...what's wrong with today's church?

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jacob Have I Loved....

It's a beautiful spring morning...as I stare out my sliding glass door at the blue sky lined above the parking covering I feel even more lost this morning. I'm so close to the end of this battle I've been fighting...I can taste it...unfortunately I'm not sure it was the ending I was hoping for. I think this week I'm giong to abandon my efforts with IV Bible study. I thought if I kept going it would be me fighting for my faith...but it's getting me nowhere...i feel judged and criticized much of the time which is in turn filling me with critical hatred. The leader is living a double life as he pretends during Bible study that he's not dating or all over this girl who happens to be my friend...but when Bible study is over they can't keep their hands to themselves. I've began to believe that the church is a double standard. It seems like with all my efforts I just come up empty. Ben said something to me this morning...he said no matter what the church says or does...God isn't the church Lynn...keep looking to Him. That statement I've heard so often just seems so empty to me. I'm at the point of tears flowing and just beckoning God to show Himself to me. All the searching, all the crying, all the fighting...I can't find Him. Most of the time what I find are memories of hurt or pain or memories of the youth I love so much.

So I end where I started...the ending is so close I can taste it. This Thurs when Bible study approaches and I decide to stop pushing...an ending is in sight...when my heart stops fighting, when my weary self finds itself somewhere to just sit and rest...when all the pain inside me turns into tears and when the tears turn into rivers....i'll find the end...

Jacob have I loved....I've reminded myself often of the story of Jacob where he wrestles God...I've thought often of that being me not willing to give up...even with a limp. But that thought seems worn out...exausted. I really need Dr. Zorn. I need to tell him thanks but the hurt won't heal....thanks for the direction in the church but my heart isn't there, thanks for educating me but in the end I'm just the wrong person to pass that education on...thanks for praying for me...but God isn't hearing. I need to cry and have Dr. Zorn look at me and say...yell at Him Lynn...just yell at Him... don't hold back...let Him know how much you want it...don't fight the tears..don't fight the hate...don't fight the church...let it all out...where is the person who has impacted me this much to be real...where is he...why is he in Lincoln...at a school that he believes needs help...I guess he's trying to help it.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Pained

What do you do when you realize you have no purpose? I can't describe the last five months. I can't describe what I felt when I heart my friend say she had cancer. I can't describe what I felt when I moved and left the church. I can't describe what I felt when I realized my some people who called themselves friends really just weren't. I can't describe what I felt when my friend constantly brings her boyfriend everywhere with her.

All of the sudden I feel like I don't have much purpose. I've lost my reason to move forward to find and keep hope. I can't describe where I'm at but yesterday described it. I laid on a bench by a water fall...tears formed my face and for the first time in months I prayed to God and begged for something good..anything good. I cried to God and told Him how hurt I am by the church and how lost I feel and that everytime I think of what happened...I can't go forward and that for the first time in my life I see no end to this darkness and that I'm more lonely than I've ever been. That I just can't believe...that I'm lost in a tidal wave of doubt and what if's. Lately I've even gone so far as to even wish I never stepped into the doors of the church at all..not the last church but church all together...that I never made such a step that this beliefs never marked my heart...but really...would I be anywhere different than where I am now? I don't really know...but I'm really hurting today...

I wish that I hadn't been so hurt by the church, by Christians, by people...I wish I felt like living in this world would serve a purpose...but I for some reason....just don't.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Mosaic?

Tonight I went to campus house...now I really didn't want to go...but I'm so glad that I did go. Tonight a girl came and spoke so passionately about something I forgot about. That something I once spoke so passionately about myself has been clouded by the hurt and pain that fill my heart. She spoke about people. She spoke of reconcilliation...she spoke of the fulfillment of reconciliation every time we as Christians love the least of those.

Her passion brought tears to my eyes, it used to be my passion...but now I feel more like the least of those. I feel more like the hurt and broken...possibly destroyed. But tonight I was reminded why I'm going into social work...why it was a ministry for me. Why I loved it so much...because it's helping out the least of those...it's showing some people a picture of God that they may never have seen or showing a wandering sheep what it means to come home. It's loving like Jesus loved, through actions and words.

Yet somewhere deep inside me sits this wall...I can't describe this wall...I know it's strong...I know it's solid and I know it's built well. The wall is there because of the hurt I've experienced. The pain that has become my attire...I wear it so well. It's my mask...this wall...but it's left me stranded...alone...and wandering aimlessly wondering what's next.
She talked out of 2 Cor 5 verses 17 and following....she kept saying I implore you...I beg you to reconcile. I sat with tears in my eyes...she said...you know why your sad...it's because you know that what's happening in your family, in you friends, on your block, in your church isn't right...you know those that hurt you...left their mark...but reconcile with God...I beg you to reconcile with God...make this world one step closer to what God desires it to be....don't stop because of the hurt...please don't stop.

I couldn't help but feel like she was talking straight to me. I wanted to look at her with tears in my eyes and say....I have to stop...I have to...I can't find the reason to go on...I can't find God...I can't find my passion...I feel shunned, hated, manipulated, battered, abused and broken by what we refer to as God's chosen people.

She then said...Pick up the pieces...Sin broke you, destroyed you ..pick up the pieces...as she talked about this she previously read Scripture about the sin as someone had a hammer and hit tiles every time she said a sin...and as she talked about picking up the pieces a girl came and made a beautiful mosaic out of the tiles forming a crown.

At the end she put it up and said...pick up the pieces...those pieces can be used...your not worthless...those that battered you, destroyed, marked you for the streets....reconcile with God and you'll reconcile with them...let their sin build you one step closer to the person God wants you to be.

It was so powerful...I sat and thought about my new pastor and how amazing he is. He loves me so much...he does everything possible to not push me but accept me...inside he's crying the same cry...don't give up.

I've heard a lot of speakers over the past year...most of what I heard I now discount because I've lost heart in their messages...tonight was different. Tonight I saw the person I used to be...the person I valued more than anything...I saw that person speak her heart out...I saw that person when she told of the poor, the downcast and of her rich white church that had nothing to do with them...I saw her when she said...if the church takes me down in the process of loving these people...so be it...I'll leave the church, but no church should turn their backs on their community. I saw myself...but it seemed so far away...It was a glimpse that made me miss myself more than ever. It was glimpse into my past...

I wanted to grab her and say "ARE YOU SURE!" I wanted to hold her by the arms and shake her and say....if this happen...you'll never be the same...you'll never understand it...you'll never question God more until you experience this situation. Are you prepared if God indeed places that end in your path? How will you handle it? -- But instead I walked out of campus house...wondering how do I get back to that passion...how do I get through the wall and is it possible to ever go back...that passion is so broken..into shards of pieces...I'm not sure it will ever be the same again....