Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jacob Have I Loved....

It's a beautiful spring morning...as I stare out my sliding glass door at the blue sky lined above the parking covering I feel even more lost this morning. I'm so close to the end of this battle I've been fighting...I can taste it...unfortunately I'm not sure it was the ending I was hoping for. I think this week I'm giong to abandon my efforts with IV Bible study. I thought if I kept going it would be me fighting for my faith...but it's getting me nowhere...i feel judged and criticized much of the time which is in turn filling me with critical hatred. The leader is living a double life as he pretends during Bible study that he's not dating or all over this girl who happens to be my friend...but when Bible study is over they can't keep their hands to themselves. I've began to believe that the church is a double standard. It seems like with all my efforts I just come up empty. Ben said something to me this morning...he said no matter what the church says or does...God isn't the church Lynn...keep looking to Him. That statement I've heard so often just seems so empty to me. I'm at the point of tears flowing and just beckoning God to show Himself to me. All the searching, all the crying, all the fighting...I can't find Him. Most of the time what I find are memories of hurt or pain or memories of the youth I love so much.

So I end where I started...the ending is so close I can taste it. This Thurs when Bible study approaches and I decide to stop pushing...an ending is in sight...when my heart stops fighting, when my weary self finds itself somewhere to just sit and rest...when all the pain inside me turns into tears and when the tears turn into rivers....i'll find the end...

Jacob have I loved....I've reminded myself often of the story of Jacob where he wrestles God...I've thought often of that being me not willing to give up...even with a limp. But that thought seems worn out...exausted. I really need Dr. Zorn. I need to tell him thanks but the hurt won't heal....thanks for the direction in the church but my heart isn't there, thanks for educating me but in the end I'm just the wrong person to pass that education on...thanks for praying for me...but God isn't hearing. I need to cry and have Dr. Zorn look at me and say...yell at Him Lynn...just yell at Him... don't hold back...let Him know how much you want it...don't fight the tears..don't fight the hate...don't fight the church...let it all out...where is the person who has impacted me this much to be real...where is he...why is he in Lincoln...at a school that he believes needs help...I guess he's trying to help it.

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