Friday, April 01, 2005

Mosaic?

Tonight I went to campus house...now I really didn't want to go...but I'm so glad that I did go. Tonight a girl came and spoke so passionately about something I forgot about. That something I once spoke so passionately about myself has been clouded by the hurt and pain that fill my heart. She spoke about people. She spoke of reconcilliation...she spoke of the fulfillment of reconciliation every time we as Christians love the least of those.

Her passion brought tears to my eyes, it used to be my passion...but now I feel more like the least of those. I feel more like the hurt and broken...possibly destroyed. But tonight I was reminded why I'm going into social work...why it was a ministry for me. Why I loved it so much...because it's helping out the least of those...it's showing some people a picture of God that they may never have seen or showing a wandering sheep what it means to come home. It's loving like Jesus loved, through actions and words.

Yet somewhere deep inside me sits this wall...I can't describe this wall...I know it's strong...I know it's solid and I know it's built well. The wall is there because of the hurt I've experienced. The pain that has become my attire...I wear it so well. It's my mask...this wall...but it's left me stranded...alone...and wandering aimlessly wondering what's next.
She talked out of 2 Cor 5 verses 17 and following....she kept saying I implore you...I beg you to reconcile. I sat with tears in my eyes...she said...you know why your sad...it's because you know that what's happening in your family, in you friends, on your block, in your church isn't right...you know those that hurt you...left their mark...but reconcile with God...I beg you to reconcile with God...make this world one step closer to what God desires it to be....don't stop because of the hurt...please don't stop.

I couldn't help but feel like she was talking straight to me. I wanted to look at her with tears in my eyes and say....I have to stop...I have to...I can't find the reason to go on...I can't find God...I can't find my passion...I feel shunned, hated, manipulated, battered, abused and broken by what we refer to as God's chosen people.

She then said...Pick up the pieces...Sin broke you, destroyed you ..pick up the pieces...as she talked about this she previously read Scripture about the sin as someone had a hammer and hit tiles every time she said a sin...and as she talked about picking up the pieces a girl came and made a beautiful mosaic out of the tiles forming a crown.

At the end she put it up and said...pick up the pieces...those pieces can be used...your not worthless...those that battered you, destroyed, marked you for the streets....reconcile with God and you'll reconcile with them...let their sin build you one step closer to the person God wants you to be.

It was so powerful...I sat and thought about my new pastor and how amazing he is. He loves me so much...he does everything possible to not push me but accept me...inside he's crying the same cry...don't give up.

I've heard a lot of speakers over the past year...most of what I heard I now discount because I've lost heart in their messages...tonight was different. Tonight I saw the person I used to be...the person I valued more than anything...I saw that person speak her heart out...I saw that person when she told of the poor, the downcast and of her rich white church that had nothing to do with them...I saw her when she said...if the church takes me down in the process of loving these people...so be it...I'll leave the church, but no church should turn their backs on their community. I saw myself...but it seemed so far away...It was a glimpse that made me miss myself more than ever. It was glimpse into my past...

I wanted to grab her and say "ARE YOU SURE!" I wanted to hold her by the arms and shake her and say....if this happen...you'll never be the same...you'll never understand it...you'll never question God more until you experience this situation. Are you prepared if God indeed places that end in your path? How will you handle it? -- But instead I walked out of campus house...wondering how do I get back to that passion...how do I get through the wall and is it possible to ever go back...that passion is so broken..into shards of pieces...I'm not sure it will ever be the same again....

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