Monday, April 04, 2005

Pained

What do you do when you realize you have no purpose? I can't describe the last five months. I can't describe what I felt when I heart my friend say she had cancer. I can't describe what I felt when I moved and left the church. I can't describe what I felt when I realized my some people who called themselves friends really just weren't. I can't describe what I felt when my friend constantly brings her boyfriend everywhere with her.

All of the sudden I feel like I don't have much purpose. I've lost my reason to move forward to find and keep hope. I can't describe where I'm at but yesterday described it. I laid on a bench by a water fall...tears formed my face and for the first time in months I prayed to God and begged for something good..anything good. I cried to God and told Him how hurt I am by the church and how lost I feel and that everytime I think of what happened...I can't go forward and that for the first time in my life I see no end to this darkness and that I'm more lonely than I've ever been. That I just can't believe...that I'm lost in a tidal wave of doubt and what if's. Lately I've even gone so far as to even wish I never stepped into the doors of the church at all..not the last church but church all together...that I never made such a step that this beliefs never marked my heart...but really...would I be anywhere different than where I am now? I don't really know...but I'm really hurting today...

I wish that I hadn't been so hurt by the church, by Christians, by people...I wish I felt like living in this world would serve a purpose...but I for some reason....just don't.

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