Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Peace Corp...

It's been awhile since I've written...a lot has been happening. Lately my thoughts seem to be far from home. As school is rounding down for me and decisions about the future mark my life, I've been trying to figure out what life is really about. I used to think it involved the church, but I've decided that church plays very little role in my life anymore. So I think deeper...does it involve social work...and I firmly believe that social work is everything that I need and everything that needs me...but I really have no passion for it right now...a part of me is so burnout with this life. So my mind is on the peace corp. Jamaica to be exact. It looks quite possible that I will be heading towards Jamaica in a year. I'm hoping that this will give me a new focus...I'll get away from the church for a few years...maybe I will one day be able to return...fully return...but for now...the pain is too severe...and too deep...healing can't come inside the walls that I don't trust...but I really believe that a part of me lies in another country. I've never done such a thing but I can't describe how deeply my thoughts revolve...showing people survival in another country, listening to them, counseling them, but most of all loving people again. My heart is already beginning to love these people that I've never met. I can't describe it..I haven't loved anyone but my youth in so long...I'm beginning to fill the same level of love for these people I've never seen that I feel for the youth that I know like the back of my hand. It's refreshing for love to captivate me again...yet I feel everything inside me hurt because I'm not there right now...that's a similar feeling to how I feel with the youth...I love them but can't be with them...I'll be glad to love in person what I love in heart again...but I will be a while yet. My friend may go with me...I really hope she does...she's an amazing person and has a heart for people too. So I guess as the pages turn in this world...really I'm still a little girl searching for someone or something to love.


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