Friday, June 03, 2005

The Battle Begins in the Mind

A lot has happened this past month...as a matter of fact...a lot has happened in the year of 2005. The latest news which is really just the beginning....I was hit by a drunk driver. This situation has drove me to the breaking point. I sit in wonder..why believe...why serve...really just why? The people that get ahead in life are the ones that cheat, steal and lie. So why bother. This leaves me at a frustrating existence. To be honest...the people that I've seen that believe whole heartedly that God is real are people I'd rather live without knowing. The preach it, but stab you in the back.

I stand at this difficult place...it happened Wednesday. I was driving across the state and tears came to my eyes....I was flipping fadio stations and a Christian song came on...now I pretty much hate Christian music...but when this song came on something happened...I cried. I cried because I missed the passion and the love that I once carried so strong. I missed the person who would do anything for anyone no matter what they did to her...I miss the person that just loved people.

As tears ran down my cheeks...I knew I'd never be the same again...but I don't know who to be right now or where to be. I've often thought about how I'm going to get out of this...this feeling that I desperately hate Christianity. I still don't know.

I just know that my life has been changed forever. Deep down inside me I'm a lost person. Social work makes me want to puke...spending my life helping people who go out and hate and kill and destroy others lives...the church..makes me puke...they follow behind hating, killing and destroying lives.

If I had one wish...that wish would be to just run....kinda like Forrest Gump...run...it's weird more than anything I wish I could sit with a few pastors who have changed my life. On that note I'm meeting my pastor next week for coffee...I haven't been to church in over a month. He e-mailed that he wanted to get together. I told him sure...so that's next week. I'm not sure how to say him that I'm not sure I'm coming back...that I think this road of fighting is a worthless end...

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