Nailed Doors and Broken Windows

It's an Update

2006-09-04T19:54:00.000-05:00

Wow- it's been awhile. A lot has changed. I finished grad school, working full time, getting ready to start my PhD. I have a boyfriend, who I'm finding myself growing more and more attached to. That statement in itself is frightening.

So what about God and I. Well I gave up trying. Two years ago I went through a pretty horrific experience, one year ago I saw love in action, today...I gave up my efforts, I gave in to desires, and I became real...not this fake person who was making decisions despite my ability to believe them.

Regardless...I feel human...and for the first time...I'm okay with being a human and not striving for saint hood...afterall...I am who I am...and I am who God made me to be. My mistakes, choices, actions...though rarely pure and holy and rarely accepted by the Christian folk, as I choose to call them....are none the less a part of my humanity and seperate from God's ability to love me.

2006-06-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

So it's been a long time-- I'm not sure anyone even reads this blog anymore....regardless...I felt the need to update...maybe because I'm bored and lacking motivation to get ready for work quite yet -- maybe because I haven't updated in a long time...regardless -- here it is.

So the update:

On August 4th I will officially have a masters degree -- I walked in the ceremony in May though...odd. I'm applying for jobs -- we'll see...I'm finishing my internship up -- which may possibly lead way to a job there -- we'll see. I'm taking a bunch of exams and want to start my PhD work next fall --which is not this coming fall -- hence looking for jobs.

I'm an aunt now -- a beautiful Kentucky neice I have -- I'm going to see her this weekend.

I'm dating a particularily interesting and great guy.

I'm leading worship at a church on the other side of the state every weekend -- not for money but because I learned a lesson a few years back...it's better to volunteer in a church than be employed by the church -- and I learned an even more important lesson -- I learned what the church is really supposed to look like -- at least as much as my humanity can grasp that. I'll have to say that this church has done more for me than I could ever believe possible -- but it's safe to say -- deep down, beneath the layers of strength and callous belief, sits a weak entity --afraid to really be a part of a church -- so maybe that there is the reason I drive 2 hours every Sunday to church...maybe because I know no other way to pull that weak entity out of it's strong outer shell and move in another direction.

So that's the new stuff --

2005-11-01T12:38:00.000-06:00

2005-11-01T12:25:00.000-06:00

This is my beautiful baby neice...I haven't met her but I dearly love her and would definitely hurt someone if they messed with her!

I Make No Sense

2005-09-18T16:16:00.000-05:00

So it's been a long time...no one even reads this anymore...which is why I feel like posting here. I'm really scared...more scared than ever. I don't know how to really explain to people how scared I am. Grad school is rounding down and I'm about to go into an internship and I'm nervous about this...I miss Donna so much...I feel like I'm walking into a field where I need support and have none...I've never felt more alone in my life.

But I have a strength that I don't know how to handle. I don't understand this peace that I feel and for the first time in my life I don't think I like feeling peace when everything in my mind says something so differently.

My mind wonders, will I be a good social worker, will I ever find my place in the church, will I ever meet a guy who will treat me good and like me....

So many questions...no answers...yet every morning I rise and everynight I go to sleep and for some reason I'm able to do this repeatedly without any resolve to these questions...this infuriates me...I want to wrestle God down and I need answers yet I don't need answers and I'm tried of wrestling...I make no sense....

2005-08-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

Life

2005-07-19T07:17:00.000-05:00

So I've decided to update once again-- I'm not really sure why because I don't have much to say -- I just feel the need to update. Life is flowing -- maybe for the first time in months -- it's flowing smoothly and I find myself smiling much more often. I find myself forgetting my past church much more often and I find myself caring less -- I thought I'd hate when that moment care because I believed that the hurt I felt at least reminded me of the love I had -- now I feel nothing and it's quite nice -- to not hurt or really love them anymore -- it's not that I hate them by any means -- it's just that I'm freed I guess -- their opinion of me no longer bothers me -- their control no longer controls me. It's a great thing.

My life grows more interesting by the month -- it seems like I've had another summer of picking up the most ignorant men alive -- there was the guy who wanted to knock me up -- then the cable guy who called at 3 a.m. and then scattered wackos that hit on me in scattered bars, grills, restaurants, bookstores -- you know public -- it seems like normal guys are so few and far -- which is why my previous entry was placed here -- there is at least one normal guy.

But don't get me wrong I'm not a psychotic girl who meets a guy and gets married in 2 months -- I attended LCC -- but I never said I liked it. I don't idolize dumb decisions. Just thought I should make that clear.

I'm Getting Married -- Well sorta!

2005-07-11T08:23:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've posted here...life has been crazy. busy busy busy -- and I have update on my xanga more frequently -- this site is if I have something important to say. And I do -- There was this guy that my mom has been trying to set me up with since last Oct. I ignored her on it. I hung out with him for the first time this weekend at the church while he was helping me with some recording -- I'm going to marry him I've decided. He doesn't know yet -- but we're getting married. I say it partly joking because he doesn't know but mostly serious -- the connection we had at the church was priceless -- I've never felt it with anyone. It would make this whole Rantoul mess make sense if God brought me out of there to answer a prayer I've prayed several times but have known that the answer wasn't mine yet. Anyway I just keep praying that somehow God will let him know that we're getting married and have him ask me out on a real date!!!

The Battle Begins in the Mind

2005-06-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

A lot has happened this past month...as a matter of fact...a lot has happened in the year of 2005. The latest news which is really just the beginning....I was hit by a drunk driver. This situation has drove me to the breaking point. I sit in wonder..why believe...why serve...really just why? The people that get ahead in life are the ones that cheat, steal and lie. So why bother. This leaves me at a frustrating existence. To be honest...the people that I've seen that believe whole heartedly that God is real are people I'd rather live without knowing. The preach it, but stab you in the back.

I stand at this difficult place...it happened Wednesday. I was driving across the state and tears came to my eyes....I was flipping fadio stations and a Christian song came on...now I pretty much hate Christian music...but when this song came on something happened...I cried. I cried because I missed the passion and the love that I once carried so strong. I missed the person who would do anything for anyone no matter what they did to her...I miss the person that just loved people.

As tears ran down my cheeks...I knew I'd never be the same again...but I don't know who to be right now or where to be. I've often thought about how I'm going to get out of this...this feeling that I desperately hate Christianity. I still don't know.

I just know that my life has been changed forever. Deep down inside me I'm a lost person. Social work makes me want to puke...spending my life helping people who go out and hate and kill and destroy others lives...the church..makes me puke...they follow behind hating, killing and destroying lives.

If I had one wish...that wish would be to just run....kinda like Forrest Gump...run...it's weird more than anything I wish I could sit with a few pastors who have changed my life. On that note I'm meeting my pastor next week for coffee...I haven't been to church in over a month. He e-mailed that he wanted to get together. I told him sure...so that's next week. I'm not sure how to say him that I'm not sure I'm coming back...that I think this road of fighting is a worthless end...

one day, one chance, one goal...

2005-05-12T09:56:00.000-05:00

Yesterday served to be a day of much preparation. This week has been focused on talking to children, talking to adults, just trying to figure out this community I love more than any other community I can't live in.

Anyway...the goal: Lunches for children, money for activities, funding for the community...kids can't use the libraries without paying money, the swimming pool...and other community things. Out of a community full of organizations, stores, churches, companies, it's hard to believe that no one really gives a damn about these kids. So all week long I thought and thought and thought about where I fit in thie community...the answer is I don't...I moved...I don't live there and I won't go back...but truth also is I never moved..my heart hasn't left that community. So I had one day, one time, one chance and I was going to make the most of it. I wanted to say something to Bill Black and Rick Winkle that would make them think.

One goal, one chance, one day and six children..we joined 1500 disadvantaged children in the state of Illinois and lobbied outside the capital. When our time came we went to meet with Bill Black and Rick Winkle...I had my speech...my questions...and I had my kid...he was going to say it for me...who better to tell the cries of a child than a child itself. He is a fifth grader, smart, logical, brave and has more potential than any kid I've met, but statistics show that because of the community he lives in..Deandre has little chance for success.

The day before our one day, one chance, one goal...we came to find out the kids needed to dress formally..these kids don't have formal dress clothes...I was heated. If they had dress clothes, we could sell them for money...how generic do our government officals have to be..who do they think they are...if these kids can go before Jesus is scruffy clothes, why can't they go before politicians. But this wasn't stoppin me....

So they day came and I was dressed nicely, but not extravagant...and we took a van full of kids in jeans and t-shirts into the capital. The kids didn't smell their finest, they were a mixed race of kids and they had one goal, one vision, and one day to be heard. We walked up the stairs with determination and success in our minds...these kids for the first time were given the right to tell their story of how mom works two jobs, dad left when they were three, there are 5 kids, and their housing is inadequate, buying shoes is nearly impossible, food is hard to come by and the local commerce and business don't take care of their own, church...sure the people who hold their african heritage gather in one building in town..but few churches blend the breeds...and few church care enough to swollow their ego and pride and succumb to the ways of the poor.

Deandre comes to me and is nervous...I tell him...Deandre...you own this program...you own this community...take it in your hands and fight for what you want...don't be intimidated...these senators and legislators should be intimidated by you. As we walk up the steps...into the offices...the republican party called caucus...our kids sat is disappointment as the reality came that we could not get in touch with our legislators and senators...their hearts sunk...they wore defeat...their heads lowered...the day was rounding down..one day, one chance, one goal...was lost...

We were in the hall buying our weary soldiers soda and some man that I still don't know comes up and calls me by name (no name tags) and says you go to the U of I right. I'm like yeah...we talked for a few...then Rick Winkle's secretary knew me...I looked at the kids and said..we're not done...they will hear our voice.

I want to skip everything else and share the ending. 6 kids...one day, once chance, one goal...left the state capital knowing they had to go back to school and speak in an assembly about their day thinking they did nothing..accomplished little and felt defeated. Truth is Rick Winkle and Bill Black already heard what I had to say....but facing kids is harder than facing a 23 year old grad school student who has ever fight in the world to make their lives better. Deandre left saying there was nothing worth saying...but if I know Deandre...with his head held high...his voice not quivering...Deandrea is going to challange Rantoul children to grab hold of their lives, their futures, their dreams and plow through the people who have no desire for change.

Six kids, one day, one chance, one goal...get lunches this summer...if i have anything to do with it will be able to swim and check out library books like every other child. Thanks to the two amazing parents I have, they will all have summer shoes...they will have clothing they need...food...if the community is deaf...I guarantee these children everyone is not deaf...their voices were heard in amazing ways...by people they barely know...

Republicans....all I've got to say...I have a lot more respect for the democrat parties that heard the chicago area project youth...republicans...yeah they do represent the christian side of the world much better...i understand...i really do...caucas...the christian lifestyle...

Peace Corp...

2005-05-04T15:37:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've written...a lot has been happening. Lately my thoughts seem to be far from home. As school is rounding down for me and decisions about the future mark my life, I've been trying to figure out what life is really about. I used to think it involved the church, but I've decided that church plays very little role in my life anymore. So I think deeper...does it involve social work...and I firmly believe that social work is everything that I need and everything that needs me...but I really have no passion for it right now...a part of me is so burnout with this life. So my mind is on the peace corp. Jamaica to be exact. It looks quite possible that I will be heading towards Jamaica in a year. I'm hoping that this will give me a new focus...I'll get away from the church for a few years...maybe I will one day be able to return...fully return...but for now...the pain is too intense...to severe...and too deep...healing can't come inside the walls that I don't trust...but I really believe that a part of me lies in another country. I've never done such a thing but I can't describe how deeply my thoughts revolve...showing people survival in another country, listening to them, counseling them, but most of all loving people again. My heart is already beginning to love these people that I've never met. I can't describe it..I haven't loved anyone but my youth in so long...I'm beginning to fill the same level of love for these people I've never seen that I feel for the youth that I know like the back of my hand. It's refreshing for love to captivate me again...yet I feel everything inside me hurt because I'm not there right now...that's a similar feeling to how I feel with the youth...I love them but can't be with them...I'll be glad to love in person what I love in heart again...but I will be a while yet. My friend may go with me...I really hope she does...she's an amazing person and has a heart for people too. So I guess as the pages turn in this world...really I'm still a little girl searching for someone or something to love.

Grandma

2005-04-19T12:04:00.000-05:00

Grandma is in the hospital...my mom just told me to sit tight and do my homework...that is so easy for her to say and impossible for me to do...I'm offically going stir crazy. I can't stand not being there...I can't stand not see how she is myself...I can't stand not seeing her smile. Two years ago when she was in the hospital and my mom was in KY ...I came to the hospital everyday for a month and I remember one Sunday I skipped church and went to sit with grandma...I walked into the room and she had tears running down her face...no one had came to shower her or comb her hair, no one brought her ice for her water and no one opened her shades. I came in and fixed her up, brought scissors and gave her a hair cut, got her showered and changed and we sat together all day...it was the best church service ever...I love my grandma...I want to know that these things are done for her...I want her to know that I'm there. I really want to drop my classes and go sit with grandma...but i have two weeks left...I've got to hold on...but I need to be there.

Future Prospects...Social Work

2005-04-16T12:36:00.000-05:00

So life seems to be crazy lately. My heart is completely broken for my friend who looks at the real possiblity of jail time...for my other friend who begins chemo on Monday...and for pure confusion. Yet I find myself ever thankful for my new pastor who never hesitates to let me know that he is God's hands and feet and when I can't see God in my life...he's there telling me...God's there.

In the past two weeks it seems as if I have a dating prospect. I'm not certain really because I'm so stupid when it comes to dating...I can't pick up a hint to save my soul...my roomie would agree completely as she was the one to say...he likes you Lynn...hmm...I'm dumb. But I'm still not certain. We've been friends forever, therefore making it different to even think about it...but my mom offers her famous words...friendship make the best relationships...let it run it's course. Donna tells me I'm scared of stability...boy is she right. I've never really had much of it in my life...therefore making change way more acceptable to me.

To be honest there is that beauty in having that someone there...but I've never had much luck with this and I just don't want to get into something that will hurt me in the end. I personally am so sick of the dating game. I have no inherent interest in it any longer.

So with this on top of everything...I seem to have came to the breaking point of lifting my hands to the sky and saying come on God!

Still trying to figure out how to come up with 1200 dollars by the 29th...i love this lady and refuse to see her in jail...but even greater...for the sake of her beautiful children who made me smile so much over the past few years...granted if they were adopted...that placement would have been so much better...but that was ruined..and dad's a complete jackass...whose neglectful..these kids need their mother...and if I can't give them their mother...why even bother doing social work...don't worry G and D...I'll make it happen....come on God...this one isn't for me!

The Court Room....

2005-04-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

Today I sat in a court room all afternoon. Let me tell you, I walked out of the court room angry...but my anger developed from earlier seeds.

I'm going into social work because after reading about the ministry of Jesus, I see a social worker...I see Jesus clearer in His actions. More than anything I want to try to help people in a way that would make Jesus smile and cry and all the emotions that He feels. Not so I can be appreciated but so people can find Jesus ...the people who are scared of the church.

Today I walked on of court feeling a feeling that was all too common to me. That feeling was one of heartache as I realized that this world is no easy place. I saw two grown ups unable to communicate in an effective fashion...I saw a battle take place of the best for children, I saw a judge caught up in his wealth and never imagine what it is to live a poor life with a mental disorder. I saw a judge feel little empathy or offer any encouragement to second chances.

Today I walked out of the courtroom feeling much like I did that dark day I will never forget. That day I was torn, broken, shattered and alone. That day when I stepped from the door that held my heart and faced the streets alone...that day that wasn't all that long ago...that day came flooding back...and tears formed in my eyes as I pondered why I'm really going to do this.

What in the hell has happened to the church?

2005-04-11T10:32:00.000-05:00

I found myself listening to a minister who has dearly impacted my life this year even though this in the only time I've met him in person. Don Hatfield played an essential part to my ability to keep pressing forward through the Rantoul nightmare. Don used to be the minister of RCC...yet through tears, gritted teeth and sadness he too walked out of the church and the ministry. It took Don several months to get his heart put back together and he went forward to ministry.

I asked him last night what allowed him to do this for 52 years once experiencing the similar hell I went through at Rantoul. He said something I'll never forget... he said...Lynn this Word keeps me going...I've taught this Word, I've never watered it down or sugar coated it, I've taught it...I've done what God has instructed me to do and I've loved the impossible. That's what keeps me going.

I heard that and thought about myself...I know what he means...but I'm just not there. It took Don 8 mon to go back to ministry after RCC and he had been in ministry 50 years at that point...I'm new and hurt so it's gonna take me at least that time if not longer.

Don then told a few things about a minister here in town that I've heard so much good about. Chris is an amazing man of God from the stories I've heard from those who know him. Yet, he was pushed from his church, locked out, and left with the pain of abandonment to deal with.

I know how he feels, I know the hurt...I know because it's so deep within my heart. But the bigger question is...what in the hell is going on? How do these churches believe that this is remotely what the church is supposed to be about...what is wrong with people and why are the Christian people hurting other Christians so deeply. Don't they understand that we're supposed to have like hearts and like minds...don't they understand when they hurt a Christian they hurt the Kingdom! Don't they see that they are tearing down the soldiers of God...the battle for me at least is no longer with the enemy...it's more with other Christians. We're killing our own and leaving them to die in the pool of criticism...what's wrong with today's church?

Jacob Have I Loved....

2005-04-05T10:18:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful spring morning...as I stare out my sliding glass door at the blue sky lined above the parking covering I feel even more lost this morning. I'm so close to the end of this battle I've been fighting...I can taste it...unfortunately I'm not sure it was the ending I was hoping for. I think this week I'm giong to abandon my efforts with IV Bible study. I thought if I kept going it would be me fighting for my faith...but it's getting me nowhere...i feel judged and criticized much of the time which is in turn filling me with critical hatred. The leader is living a double life as he pretends during Bible study that he's not dating or all over this girl who happens to be my friend...but when Bible study is over they can't keep their hands to themselves. I've began to believe that the church is a double standard. It seems like with all my efforts I just come up empty. Ben said something to me this morning...he said no matter what the church says or does...God isn't the church Lynn...keep looking to Him. That statement I've heard so often just seems so empty to me. I'm at the point of tears flowing and just beckoning God to show Himself to me. All the searching, all the crying, all the fighting...I can't find Him. Most of the time what I find are memories of hurt or pain or memories of the youth I love so much.

So I end where I started...the ending is so close I can taste it. This Thurs when Bible study approaches and I decide to stop pushing...an ending is in sight...when my heart stops fighting, when my weary self finds itself somewhere to just sit and rest...when all the pain inside me turns into tears and when the tears turn into rivers....i'll find the end...

Jacob have I loved....I've reminded myself often of the story of Jacob where he wrestles God...I've thought often of that being me not willing to give up...even with a limp. But that thought seems worn out...exausted. I really need Dr. Zorn. I need to tell him thanks but the hurt won't heal....thanks for the direction in the church but my heart isn't there, thanks for educating me but in the end I'm just the wrong person to pass that education on...thanks for praying for me...but God isn't hearing. I need to cry and have Dr. Zorn look at me and say...yell at Him Lynn...just yell at Him... don't hold back...let Him know how much you want it...don't fight the tears..don't fight the hate...don't fight the church...let it all out...where is the person who has impacted me this much to be real...where is he...why is he in Lincoln...at a school that he believes needs help...I guess he's trying to help it.

Pained

2005-04-04T23:32:00.000-05:00

What do you do when you realize you have no purpose? I can't describe the last five months. I can't describe what I felt when I heart my friend say she had cancer. I can't describe what I felt when I moved and left the church. I can't describe what I felt when I realized my some people who called themselves friends really just weren't. I can't describe what I felt when my friend constantly brings her boyfriend everywhere with her.

All of the sudden I feel like I don't have much purpose. I've lost my reason to move forward to find and keep hope. I can't describe where I'm at but yesterday described it. I laid on a bench by a water fall...tears formed my face and for the first time in months I prayed to God and begged for something good..anything good. I cried to God and told Him how hurt I am by the church and how lost I feel and that everytime I think of what happened...I can't go forward and that for the first time in my life I see no end to this darkness and that I'm more lonely than I've ever been. That I just can't believe...that I'm lost in a tidal wave of doubt and what if's. Lately I've even gone so far as to even wish I never stepped into the doors of the church at all..not the last church but church all together...that I never made such a step that this beliefs never marked my heart...but really...would I be anywhere different than where I am now? I don't really know...but I'm really hurting today...

I wish that I hadn't been so hurt by the church, by Christians, by people...I wish I felt like living in this world would serve a purpose...but I for some reason....just don't.

Mosaic?

2005-04-01T22:54:00.000-06:00

Tonight I went to campus house...now I really didn't want to go...but I'm so glad that I did go. Tonight a girl came and spoke so passionately about something I forgot about. That something I once spoke so passionately about myself has been clouded by the hurt and pain that fill my heart. She spoke about people. She spoke of reconcilliation...she spoke of the fulfillment of reconciliation every time we as Christians love the least of those.

Her passion brought tears to my eyes, it used to be my passion...but now I feel more like the least of those. I feel more like the hurt and broken...possibly destroyed. But tonight I was reminded why I'm going into social work...why it was a ministry for me. Why I loved it so much...because it's helping out the least of those...it's showing some people a picture of God that they may never have seen or showing a wandering sheep what it means to come home. It's loving like Jesus loved, through actions and words.

Yet somewhere deep inside me sits this wall...I can't describe this wall...I know it's strong...I know it's solid and I know it's built well. The wall is there because of the hurt I've experienced. The pain that has become my attire...I wear it so well. It's my mask...this wall...but it's left me stranded...alone...and wandering aimlessly wondering what's next.
She talked out of 2 Cor 5 verses 17 and following....she kept saying I implore you...I beg you to reconcile. I sat with tears in my eyes...she said...you know why your sad...it's because you know that what's happening in your family, in you friends, on your block, in your church isn't right...you know those that hurt you...left their mark...but reconcile with God...I beg you to reconcile with God...make this world one step closer to what God desires it to be....don't stop because of the hurt...please don't stop.

I couldn't help but feel like she was talking straight to me. I wanted to look at her with tears in my eyes and say....I have to stop...I have to...I can't find the reason to go on...I can't find God...I can't find my passion...I feel shunned, hated, manipulated, battered, abused and broken by what we refer to as God's chosen people.

She then said...Pick up the pieces...Sin broke you, destroyed you ..pick up the pieces...as she talked about this she previously read Scripture about the sin as someone had a hammer and hit tiles every time she said a sin...and as she talked about picking up the pieces a girl came and made a beautiful mosaic out of the tiles forming a crown.

At the end she put it up and said...pick up the pieces...those pieces can be used...your not worthless...those that battered you, destroyed, marked you for the streets....reconcile with God and you'll reconcile with them...let their sin build you one step closer to the person God wants you to be.

It was so powerful...I sat and thought about my new pastor and how amazing he is. He loves me so much...he does everything possible to not push me but accept me...inside he's crying the same cry...don't give up.

I've heard a lot of speakers over the past year...most of what I heard I now discount because I've lost heart in their messages...tonight was different. Tonight I saw the person I used to be...the person I valued more than anything...I saw that person speak her heart out...I saw that person when she told of the poor, the downcast and of her rich white church that had nothing to do with them...I saw her when she said...if the church takes me down in the process of loving these people...so be it...I'll leave the church, but no church should turn their backs on their community. I saw myself...but it seemed so far away...It was a glimpse that made me miss myself more than ever. It was glimpse into my past...

I wanted to grab her and say "ARE YOU SURE!" I wanted to hold her by the arms and shake her and say....if this happen...you'll never be the same...you'll never understand it...you'll never question God more until you experience this situation. Are you prepared if God indeed places that end in your path? How will you handle it? -- But instead I walked out of campus house...wondering how do I get back to that passion...how do I get through the wall and is it possible to ever go back...that passion is so broken..into shards of pieces...I'm not sure it will ever be the same again....

spring is here.../ friendship

2005-03-29T07:47:00.000-06:00

I've heard of people growing out of allergies, I've never heard of people growing into allergies...I feel miserable--horrible--crappy--terrible--awful--and more adjectives.

In other news..if you believe in an ounce of prayer...my friend goes in on Wednesday to have a port put in and then on the 18th she starts chemo. She'll be doing chemo twice a month until fall.

Also...if you think about and you are praying...if you could mention me that wouldn't be a bad idea. The last 6 months have been the hardest six months ever... I've said goodbye too much...and seeing my friend fighting cancer has been hard...chemo sucks the life out of a person...something different sucked the life out of me...but I dread my friend becoming another person like me...and I dread me losing it in front of my friend...it's my turn to be the strong one...

2005-03-26T16:08:00.000-06:00

Garden of the Gods

The thoughts from the Garden...

2005-03-26T16:05:00.000-06:00

This week I sat on top of the Garden of the Gods...these are some of the thoughts I had...

Spring break is almost over for me, my pile of homework faced me, but I will face it with endurance and conquered the obstacle. Grad school is winding down for me...seems that another end is in sight. Thinking of the future faces me once again.

Now I don't really like this...especially now. It's a poor time for me to think of the future. Especially since right now I have no desire what-so-ever to do ministry ever again. Especially since God just seems distant. Especially since my friend is suffering cancer. Especially since I have so much hurt in me and really don't know right from wrong, near from far, lonely from loved.

It seems like a lousy time to think about the future. Yet it is approaching. I have states to visit, cities to explore, schools to talk to, jobs to look at. Yet to be honest...I just don't want to do any of them. I'm not sure what to do with that...other than I don't want to do it. I've grown to hate what I used to love. To be honest I really don't want to do anything that this world has to offer. The only thing I could see myself doing was ministry....but I really have no desire to ever work inside or for the church again.

Some may say it's Satan...I say it's reality. It's my reality. I wake up every single morning feeling empty inside. I wake up everyday pronouncing faith in a God that I have no clue of His existence other than it's all I know. I go to sleep everynight wondering why I wake up the next day. Weekend after weekend occur and the words of the church echo in my mind. I dream everynight of a group of kids that I love so much that I'd give my life for in a heart beat.

I guess what I'm facing here is the inability to move forward because of a broken heart. An unexpected one at that. A month ago I kept saying...I'll make it through...I'll be okay. Those words come out of my mouth less and less often...I breathe that strong air less and less. Each day when I fall asleep...I now utter...thank God I made it...one more day down.

Next week comes another set of surgery for my friend and then chemo after that until fall. What will that look like...will I lose one of the people in my life who has pushed me through in the hardest times over the last two years. Will I loose the person that paved a path and showed me the way? If I don't loose her in body, will I loose her in spirit?

All these thoughts came and went and at the end...I climbed down from the Garden of the Gods and just kept doing what I continue to do...move forward when I'm not sure how to do it. Survival seems to be what I live for...and it seems to be what my friend lives for.

It's hard because I used to talk to this friend about everything...and now I'm there for her...but I find myself empty ...not knowing who to talk to and what to say if I spoke...maybe this God I claimed to fervently really does know my heart...I don't really know...

His sign read..."broke, stranded, will work for food"

2005-03-16T10:55:00.000-06:00

I used to write so that you could read my thoughts...but not anymore...I write today because my thoughts are beating so hard against the walls of my mind that there must be some place for them to go.

A man standing on a cement slab in the middle of a busy intersection...his sign read stranded and broke, will work for food. My car drove by as my mind stopped. I looked in the rearview mirror as if only to picture myself sitting on the slab with him. I heard the voices of my mom, "never stop and pick up a hitchhiker or any male on the side of the road...never stop alone." Her words ring true in this American society we live in today where guns are payback, knives break open the tears and robbery is the path of getting what one deserves.

But why? Why couldn't I stop and help him, why couldn't I talk to him...what couldn't I help him out...why did I have to be one more car that went racing by him...he'll never know that my heart is still there with him. Why?

Reality is I can't even trust the church, so what makes me think I can trust a man in the road. But I sure believe that he would have been more grateful, kinder and more loving than what I experienced inside the doors of the church...even if he did pull a gun on me...would it really hurt as bad as what I'm feeling now. The places we're instructed to feel safe in are hoaxes...only designed to let our guards down so the attack is more brutal...the places that we're designed to fear, only keep us from pursuing the way God designed life to become.

Truth is...I'm that man on that cement path that everyone keeps passing by...broken, poor, stranded and willing to work for some food...some spiritual food. I'm right there with him and i've seen the world pass me by.... He has a story...I have a story...there not the same...but somehow our hearts met as I drove past him and he silently stared at my tail lights. His heart said I'm broke and stranded and hungry and my heart said the same...in one passing moment we both knew the other could help us...but we both knew that I'd never stop my car...

My New Found Salvation.....

2005-03-15T10:45:00.000-06:00

My New Found Salvation

Anyone who knows me understands that my sense of humor defines me. Lately, that just hasn't been so. I haven't laughed all that much. I cry a lot, I sleep a lot and I dream a lot. Now don't get me wrong I'm far from depressed. I function very normally, eat right, keep my apt. clean....I'm just sad...grieving. In my recent loss, I haven't been able to find my humor. I found an ability to draw and spend many hours doing that instead of cracking jokes. But this weekend...I found an old piece of me again. I saw this soap...and did no other than laugh so hard and then buy it. To get the full effect....here is the directions....

First of all it's tested and approved for all 7 deadly sins and comes in a tempting "do it again" easter lily scent and it reduces guild by 98.9% or more. Directions: 1. Bow head 2. Engage water supply. 3. Pump a generous amount of hand cleanser into palm. 4. Rub hands together religiously 5. Rinse 6. Repent.

It's funny...but all joking aside...it broke my heart too...because I actually said to my friend...maybe if I would have had this 4 months ago, I would be okay now. Now I don't honestly believe that...but I feel like real repentance wasn't good enough...so maybe since real repentance was such a joke...maybe this wouldn't be as funny. I don't really know...but a part of my brokenness seaped into the laughter I enjoyed and made me wish that living the Christian life was as easy as washing your hands with such a product. It made me long for the belief of Catholicism, that I could tell a priest and be okay...maybe it made me long for the church where a priest knows your deepest wrongs and accepts you anyway...maybe there is some truth to their idea of spiritual healing... All I know for sure is that this made me laugh and cry at the same time....

This song...well I listen to it all the time...it's by one of my new favorite bands and it's lyrics tell exactly how I feel.

Artist:
Seventh Day Slumber
Album:
Picking Up The Pieces
Song: My Struggle

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Lord I need your strength
'Cause I am weak and falling to my knees.
Who is on my side?
'Cause I can't tell my friends from enemies.
Filling up with pain.
Bitterness controls the air I breathe.
What am I fighting for?
Do you have a plan for me?

Must be some mistake
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.
With every passing hour,
I convince myself that you saw something in me.
But I can hear them still,
As the whispers laced with hatred fill the room.
Guess I'm wasting my time
How could you love a man like me?

Must be some mistake.
'Cause I'm not worth the price you paid.

The Cliff of Spiritual Suicide

2005-03-10T07:48:00.000-06:00

If you're looking for the explanation of why I wrote this go to http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

I reach out, your hand so near,
But hurt inside me has taught me to fear.
Their mocking laughter, their judging smiles,
Take place in my mind, for in my shoes I wish they'd walk a mile.

The stars of night, turn into the clouds of day,
As I hear the mockers tell me to pray.
Repent of your ways or you'll eternally burn,
Then to me their backs became completely turned.

Judgement, insults, requests they lay,
But when my heart is broken, their price I pay.
Love is hidden in the darkest night,
When the moon is full it casually takes light.

It matters little that I love them so much,
It matters little because love they don't touch.
Reach deep inside the body that contains the soul,
Toss it aside, Faith has took it's undesired tole.

Without the heart that beats so deep,
I curled up inside and ignored them as I began to weep.
They sat back shaking their heads,
making excuses, and saying 'she made her own bed.'

I walk away, move forward, leaving them behind,
only to recognize that wherever I went they came to mind.
Why didn't they write, why didn't they call,
why didn't they love me when I approached the fall?

The distance created I battle to destroy,
But with every fight, with every swing that distance I employ.
I hate that you don't talk to me, or carry my burden so deep.
I hate that you don't care that my heart is worn and beat.
I hate that you don't listen when my fears go running out,
Because I'm no help to you, you ignore me even when I shout.

Damned your "Christian" ways,
they make me scared of who else you will slay.
All this has shown, I was right about you,
When I said to God that I do love you.

If love was not my soul, mind and heart,
I would care less that you tore me apart.
If love wasn't my eyes, mouth and, ears.
I'd would care less that it's your faith I fear.

So when all is lined and balanced out,
when my heart is tired and stopping the shout.
I stand still in hurt, but love fills my soul,
and I walk away never again to be apart of your role.

My Sanctuary??? Could It be?

2005-03-08T07:37:00.000-06:00

Many months ago I wrote about a place I was searching for. This was a place of amazing solitude but amazing love, acceptance yet conviction...it was a place called my sanctuary...a place of safety. To be honest...I had given up on ever finding it because I have pretty much given up on the life of Christianity. My heart hasn't given up on God...but it has given up on Christians.

I really thought it was over when I spoke the other day that I would never force my sister to go back to church. For the first time in the past seven years, it makes sense to me why she left the church never to return. I knew at that moment, I truly meant that and I know at that moment I really wanted to make the same choice for myself. Then I forced myself to the car and said...I'll just go sit outside the church in my car...I won't go in. I pulled up and saw people that I had never seen and like I had never seen...I wanted to follow them. Why would the wealthy and the poor associate together, the different races? I knew what church should be...but I didn't believe that it could be it....until now....

I've been in search of this for a long time now. The last two Sundays I've gone to the same church which is huge for me. I think I may have found my sanctuary. I met the pastor for coffee before even walking through the doors of the church, he was trying to get me to come and after one month of e-mailing me, he invited me for coffee. We sat and I told him my greatest fears, that I'd destroy the church, that I wouldn't be accepted and that I didn't deserve to walk into the building. He sat and listened to me and told me...Lynn we're already destroyed...that's what grace is for.

I attended three weeks after our first meeting, last week. At the end of the service the pastor came up to me and said...how was it? I told him that I think I felt welcome...and he said...that's because you are welcome.

Let me describe this church that I belong in so deeply. It so diverse, so many ethnicities, black, white, asian, hawaiian, indian and the list grows on. It's diverse with rich and poor. Some people come in there who frankly don't smell pleasant, but I smile because they sit next to those of wealth. The drummer is an older man with long matted white hair, and a long matted white beard, his clothes are tattered, his smell unpleasant, but when he plays the drums, he worship his God. When he gets done playing he sat in a chair last week besides a wealthy woman, who wraps her arm around him and said she loved him.

See the wealthy, the elite, recognize one thing in this church that I've seen in no other church or person until now...that they too smell just as bad, look just as tattered, and are worth the exact same before God came to them. This is a church of acceptance and grace...and this is a church where they love their community. They fund a food pantry, soup kitchen, health clinic, work with crisis nursery, habitat for humanity, overseas missions and their own youth.

Yesterday the youth minister and I talked...he wants me to be involved with the youth group, and I told him just couldn't right now. We began discussing why and he looked at me and said...you talk as if you lost your first love...and I told him that's because I did...I loved those kids...he told me that he understood. He told me that he experienced that hurt and when I've healed up and feel ready to give again to let him know. God always gives me youth, everywhere I go...I never have to worry about it...it's strange because I actually thought that that might end because I destroyed the last ministry...but God is reminding me that He is faithful and just...

It's amazing because the minister loves me, he told me he does...and he hugs me and accepts me...the most amazing part of that is that he accepts me when I cry through church, he accepted me that month that I refused to come and he accepts me now even when I doubt that their love is sincere or that they won't abandon me. He loves me even though I'm scared that God will deem me worthless and lay me aside never to use again. The youth minister and the minister of the church have done what I needed, they came around me and accepted me, requesting nothing from me, and promising me one thing...that if I'm open that this congregation will wrap their arms around me so tight that I'll once again feel accepted, whole and loved. And through that they told me that I'll find God again...they just know I will.

Confidence...without their confidence in me...I'd never go back! They really have no reason to believe in me, but they believe in me because they love their God and have seen Him turn rags to riches everyday.

I'm still going to be an aunt

2005-03-04T08:32:00.000-06:00

I'm going to be an aunt! Just thought I'd say it again. I'm also really stinkin sick! who needs that. I'm going to be an aunt! That means a baby is coming into our family. I'm going to be an aunt. That's all I have to say at 8:30 on a Friday morning.

Aunt Lynn

2005-03-03T15:56:00.000-06:00

I'm going to be an aunt...that's all I have to say about that!

They Turn Their Backs

2005-03-02T15:07:00.000-06:00

Today while driving in the car I realized something...I'm hurt by people. I know...silly right...shouldn't I have known that? Truth is I probably should have, truth also is, I'd rather not talk about it. I'd rather not talk about how weak I am and how peoples thoughts and feelings affect me so deeply, truth is I'd rather not dwell on the fact that I crumble so quickly and falter so suddenly. I'd rather think about the fact that I'm stubborn and can show anyone how they can never knock me down, I'd rather portray that I don't care what you think about me...but truth is...I do. I care a lot.

I care what you think because if I don't care, then I obviously don't care about you and I care too much about people. If I didn't love people I wouldn't be going into social work. It's amazing to me how at one moment someone can think you're amazing and think you're so wonderful and you have a good heart and you're funny and gifted and then the next they think that you suck, they realize you're not perfect and instead of looking to themselves and understanding that they too aren't perfect, it's easier to point their fingers at you and blame you instead.

Have you noticed how easy it is for people to turn their backs on each other. Then the world wonders why children turn to drugs, alcohol, and sex. They wonder why women are hookers and dress provocatively, but how else do they get attention. They wonder why society is turning away from the church instead of towards the church, but I know why. It's because too many people in this world expect perfection. I'm guilty of it too, but I'm challenging myself to not expect perfection, but instead seek to expect myself to love unconditionally, because it's a love I've experienced little of. My passion, my heart, to show the hurt, broken, forgotten, unloved what it means to be loved, remembered, healed and beautiful...what are you doing? Don't make my job harder, don't break more people down, build them up...and don't break me down...because it's sure hard to love others when I hate you. Oh my burdened heart...to be free from worry, free from pain, and free from you. My prayers continue to rise for this moment...

Call it what you will....

2005-03-01T17:45:00.000-06:00

So it's that time of year again...the time where my anxiety runs high, my mind runs low, and I sleep too much...that's right...midterms. They aren't as bad as finals but they make me wish that I had opened my books the day before the test. But what can you do...if I indeed opened my books, that would mean that I was studious and if I were studious then that would mean that I wasn't Lynn. I've recently realized that I really enjoy school...it's something stable in my life and since I'm not sure what else in my life is stable, it's nice to have something that is.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about life and how disappointing it really can be...now I'm not ready to off myself or anything...I don't think I'd ever get there, but I've thought a lot about where I'm at in life. I've decided that it's time to be honest with myself. I'm highly disappointed with life. I've made some changes lately, that I hope will give me a new focus, but it all takes time. Why am I dissappointed? Well at 23 I'm at a state where I don't trust what I've trusted my whole life...I've realized that at the drop of a hat I can go from being an amazing person to being a horrible person in the minds of those who know me. I've realized that people justify their actions by forming opinions about my personality. I've realized that I have to be perfect for everyone who meets me...and that is impossible. I'm beginning to hold on strongly to my friends that make me feel valued...people like Kristin, Emily, Liz, Katie, April, Dejuan, Ben, and even Jason...although I don't really talk to him much because he won't stop hitting on me...

I'm trying to take my focus off the people who judge, criticize, speculate, use, and manipulate me. It's those who you tell them...when you do this, I feel like this and they put the blame back on you that I'm sketchy of. It's those that act like they know you when they've only met you briefly and never really do things with you...it's those that think their good...that they are humble..that they are "Christian" that make me wish I wasn't associated with them...so I'm trying something new....I'm not hanging around such people...I'm not talking to such people...call it rude, call it judgemental...call it what you will...but I call it survival...if I don't take some space from them...I'll leave my faith all together and I'll never return to what you call church...so call it what you will...but I can't take it any longer....

Here I Am

2005-02-27T08:20:00.000-06:00

Here I am...my first post from my new apt....it's weird...I drove away from Rantoul yesterday and just started crying...no idea why...just did...wasn't thinking of anything...but the tears wouldn't stop...my dad called to ask me a question and then in his own way told me he loved me by telling me not to work too hard and such...I hung the phone up...and something hit me. But it wasn't long and my tears stopped as suddenly as they started...and here I sit today. After 7 or 8 trips hauling, many hours unpacking...I'm almost settled in...although I have way more stuff than any 23 year old should need... So here I am...my first morning waking up and wondering what comes next...I feel settled here already, which is odd...it just feels right..no mysteriousness...it's home and having a roommate seems so easy and nice. It reminds me everyday that some people do like me... So here I am. When I used to say this phrase I'd usually follow it up by 'Send me' and I usually said it to God...but I'm not sure where God would send me...I've got no where to go. Maybe I'll attempt this thing we call church today...only because the church I'm looking at is in a business building...I can't walk into a church that looks like a church....maybe I won't cry all the way through the service and have people star at me...maybe I won't be embarrassed...maybe I'll find healing and love and acceptance and a smile...just maybe...

To further your read...
http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

2005-02-25T23:22:00.000-06:00

Sorry -right now I'm having trouble expressing myself..and songs appear good...if you're annoyed by this...check out real posts on my xanga site http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=lynnard

Never Underestimate My Jesus

2005-02-25T23:16:00.000-06:00

Never Underestimate My Jesus - Reliant K

Am I at the point of no improvement?
What are the deaths I still dwell in?
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this unreleasable sin

CHORUS:
Never underestimate my Jesus
your tellin me that there's no hope
Im tellin you your wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
when the world around you crumbles
He will be strong he will be strong

I throw up my hands
oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now Im searchin' for
The confidence I lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles
Is overcoming my fears

CHORUS

I think I can't
I think I can't
but I think you can
I think you can
gather my insufficiencies and
place them in your hands
place them in your hands
place them in your hands.

CHORUS (2x)

You will be strong (3x)

New Design

2005-02-24T13:38:00.000-06:00

New Design by Thousand Foot Krutch

Wait, I might hesitate
Am I a minute too late?
Please Lord, I need to know
This pressure's got me lettin' go
If I'm wrong, will I still carry on
And end up where I belong?

BRIDGE
I've never felt this way before
I've never come so close
I've never worn so thin
I'm stepping out
Instead of closing in
Left myself behind
When I made up my mind
No turnin' back this time
This is my new design

CHORUS
Sometimes I feel so alone
It feels like I'm standing out here on my own
I've never felt so far from home
It's comin' on, it hits me
When I step outside my zone
Cause sometimes, I feel so alone
It feels like I'm standing out here on my own
I've never felt so far from home
It's comin' on, it hits me
When I step outside my zone
I see what you're doin' to me
Could have been you so easilyY
ou look the other way
Even though we were close the other day
And I'm still tryin' to get up this hil
lI need you just like a pill

BRIDGECHORUS

Do you get the feelin'
Everything will be alright?
I'm movin'
So pleased to meet you
But I am movin' on
Tried to pass it to another
But it's comin' on
I can't wait to find out
Break me, can't seem to climb out
Of this hole, I'm stuck again
If I'm not out in a minute
I'm jumpin' in
Let's start again
I'm sick of this
Let's just get it out
Are ya feelin' it?
Move back
Ya wanna feel how real it is
Let's just get it out
Are ya feelin' it?
Move back
Ya wanna feel how real it is

This Is A Call

2005-02-23T11:34:00.000-06:00

by: Thousand Foot Krutch

She fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong, but she still sleeps with her light on, and she acts like It's all right on, as she smiles again her mother lies there sickwith cancer, and her friends don't understand her, she's a question without answers, who feelslike falling apart.

She knows, she's so much more than worthless, but she needs to find her purpose, she wonders what she did to deserve this and..

She's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, ' Cause everytime I fall down, Ireach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm askingyou, to show me what this life is all about.

He tells everyone a story, because he feels his life is boring, and he fights so you won't ignore him, because that's his biggest fear, and he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it. He loves, but he's scared to use it. So he hides behind the music, cause he likes it that way.

He knows, He's so much more than worthless, he needs to find the surface, because he's starting toget nervous.

He's calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, ' Cause everytime I fall down, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm askingyou, to show me what this life is all about.

Have you ever felt this way before? 'cause I don't wanna hide here anymore. Take me to place where nothing's wrong and thanks for coming, shut the door. They say someone out there sees us,Well if you're real then save me Jesus, cause I've been here for far too long.

I wasn't meant to feel alone.And now I'm calling out to you, this is a call; this is a call out, 'Cause everytime I falldown, I reach out to you, and I'm losing all control now, and my hazard signs are all out, I'm asking you, to show me what this life is all about. Show me what this life is all about. Show me what this life is all about

2005-02-22T22:25:00.000-06:00

James Dean Drawing

I'm 'The Beast'

2005-02-22T09:35:00.000-06:00

http://www.xanga.com/item.aspx?tab=weblogs&user=lynnard&uid=209493498

Check out my Disney persona...

'Filthy Dirtbag?'

2005-02-22T08:20:00.000-06:00

When faced with the question...'Why did you leave the church?' I wish I could hand them the following newsletter article. There is no good way to tell someone why I left...I didn't leave because of anyone in particular...I left because of how I felt. But I haven't found the words to say all of this quite yet...

Are You Tired of Being Wrong?: One of the cultural aspects of modern Christianity that is a pet peeve to me is the subtle and sometimes not so subtle idea we are always wrong.

"You are just reaping what you have sown! Your kids wouldn't have left the church if you had reared them properly." "God never changes so you must have moved." "Why are you not being blessed? When your life isn't getting better, you need to ask yourself where you are wrong." "If you still have this problem, maybe you need to come to the front and have the elders and prayer team pray for you!" "Will all of you who feel held back by some issue, please raise your hands. OK, now make your way out to the aisle and come on down to the altar and leave this issue before God!"

There are ten thousand ways and phrases that keep emphasizing the same theme. God is perfect and we are dirtbags. This perverted theme drives me to anger, and it drives hundreds of thousands of people out of church every year worldwide.

"Why would I want to go to church? By the time the sermon is finished I feel like a total loser again. Even work doesn't make me feel as incompetent as church!"

Under the New Covenant we no longer remain "filthy rags." We have been washed clean by the blood of the lamb. The Holy Spirit is doing his work of creating a new mind and a pure heart. Jesus is responsible to take care of our needs. We are a work in progress, and all things happen in God's good timing. We are children of God, we are the bride being readied for the big wedding - and it is high time the church understood that and started treating all of us with respect and unconditional love.

We don't need to be made to feel guilty except by a conviction of the Holy Spirit. We don't need a thousand trips to the altar. God the Holy Spirit dwells inside of us and He leads us to the Lord Jesus under every circumstance.

Please understand, if you have surrendered your life to Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is at work in you, you will be led and taught by the Holy Spirit. You need not be made to feel second class by a church, a pastor, or anyone else. Worship God. Rest in His spirit, and have a broken and contrite heart, and forget about abusive, manipulative churches and denominations. Draw close to Him and He will draw close to you.

Kurt Cobain and John Lennon Drawings

2005-02-21T23:58:00.000-06:00

Kurt Cobain Drawing

2005-02-21T12:00:00.000-06:00

John Lennon Drawing

As many of you know -- I've had a lot of time on my hands and a lot of emotions and thoughts and changes going on. I've never been artistic in my life, but something has changed over the last month and I've found a new ability. So I've spend my month pouring myself over a sketch pad with a pencil. These are just two of the drawings...my mom has claimed a couple I've done and there are others that are too big to post on here.

I Didn't Go To Church...

2005-02-20T09:44:00.000-06:00

Well it's Sunday morning. In fact it's 9:30 Sunday morning. I'm in my pj's and have decided that I'm not going to church this morning. After disappointment after disappointment, I've decided that I'm not going to start this week out frustrated with the church. For those of you who read this and shake your head disapprovingly, you're the reason why I have no passion for the building you call church.

I don't see church as a building, but you do. Church to you happens inside the walls of fancy building, but to me church can happen on the streets of a city full of homeless people. Church can happen dressed in rags just as easy as dressed in "church clothes."

You've taken the hands of Jesus and marked his hands with decision. Decision about who belongs in His Service, who belongs in His pews, and who belongs in His Will. You've changed my God into a decision making God...into a God that is secularized to pick His favorites.

I say I want to work with the poor, the lost, the rejected and you're response is of thankfulness, because someone needs to do it...yeah you're right...finally you're right about something...someone does need to do it, but why isn't it you?

I hope for your sake that one day you wake up and open your eyes and too wonder, 'who moved my church?' Because I'm telling you...it's a search that marks pain in your heart, but it's a step at removing yourself from your own selfish ambitions, you're own vain conceit and you're own judgemental hypothesis.

Where have I gone? I'm sitting in a land that I don't know, it's a land without the church as I thought it to be...I'm sitting here, but I don't recognize myself any longer. You see I used to be surrounded by people who told me they cared, people who I thought were my friends...but in the end I sit alone....in the end I search so hard for the God I once knew before I ran into 'the church.'

So you sit and think...don't blame us, it's you're own attitude that sucks. You know what...it's comments like that that push me further away. 'Thee church' would wrap their arms around me, hold me close, pray with me, laugh with me, and not turn their back on me.

In November, someone did that with me...someone spent time with me, let me talk through my frustrations, he was amazing...he showed me what I hoped to see in the church...but he's gone now.

Is love always conditional? Is it always based on how one behaves, or how one speaks or acts, or feels. When you round lifes corner and are faced with unexpected obstacles...will anyone be there to hold your hand as you struggle...or is friendship merely an act of conviencience. ...Meaning, if you can no longer help me, then why should I help you? I ask these questions because this is how I feel. I feel like now that my corner has come that all hands have let go.

Well when these past hands let go, so did my heart. It let go of a God I thought I knew. It let go of a Bible I thought I understood. It let go of a ideal I always believed. It let go of Christianity. Now I'm back at the basics...but this time I have so much hurt in my heart that I'm not sure I'll ever fully heal.

So as you read this, please, pity my soul...please renounce my faith, and please criticize my writings...because that is what church is to me...then this week I will feel like I've been in church.

I'm gonna show you someday what church really is! No it's not perfect, but it is beautiful...I just know it is... You'll see...you won't have ruined me...but you will have broke my soul. But my God...can fix my soul....someday...

You Mean You Don't See That!

2005-02-18T07:40:00.000-06:00

I don't normally post the same post here in my blog that I do in my Xanga site, but today the only thing I feel is what I posted in my Xanga...so here it is...

As many people know, I've had a lot on my heart lately. A lot of changes are coming up and a lot of changes have happen. Lately I've learned what it's like to be totally out of control in my own life. I feel like my life is being lived and I'm just standing in a corner watching. I feel kinda like I did a year or so ago when I was playing Mario Brothers for the first time since 5th grade on Heathers Nintendo. I would have to call Heather or Liz in to get me more lives because I was always killing myself.

I kinda feel like God grabbed my controls and said...I've got to get you more lives...for right now I'm playing...only instead of a little Mario running around, it's a little Lynn.
In the last few days there have been times that I wanted to grab things back up and hold onto them. But instead I sit perplexed because I don't know how to do that...do I push A or B to do such a thing.

Well today a friend of mine is having a biopsy done. In a few days everything in her life could change. Her dreams, her life, her future could change, or once again with the controller sitting in God's hands, she could just find wings and fly over the hurtle.

I've been faced with the control of God lately. Whether it's been my urge to write a lost friend a letter telling them I love and miss then. Whether it's been my packing and moving, whether it's been my job, my school, my fears, my hurt, and my emptiness.

When you hurt and see God in control, I think it has to be the scariest version of God I've faced yet. You wonder why...well because of the hurt there is no way I can take control, but if God makes a decision that hurts more than what I'm going through now...will I survive?
So I say all this to arrive at this point. What is this point? It's here...don't you see? You mean you can't see the cliff that lays ahead of me? You mean you can't see the bridge being constructed? You mean you can't see the water 200 ft below? You mean you can't see that it's life or death?

Oh wait...what...you see a hand? You don't see a bridge? You say that hand is the bridge. I don't see a hand, I see a rickety bridge being built, but you say it's a strong hand? It will catch me you say...

But where will I be when it does catch me? Where will I end up? Will I be happy? Will I be sad and alone? Will I prosper? Will I have a hope and a future? You say it's written on the hand that I will have a hope and a future and it won't harm me? I don't see it written on the bridge...you say it's written in red? I see nothing red...

It all comes to the point where my vision does not see the same picture of God that many others see. My vision doesn't see the hope that others see. I've lost sight of the God I used to see. Trust is a chasm that I have to cross blindfolded. This life that I lead, I deeply love. I love every youth that I spent many days with over the past year. I love every congregation attendee who brought so much joy into my life. I even love the minister...I've never hated him...just frustrated with him...love...love sometimes means saying things that are hard to hear but best to be said. That's kinda what God's doing with me now...He's telling me to let go, He's telling me that all these things that I love so much, although good, they aren't going to save me in the end.

I turn around and see the backs of people and heads that I've known for the past year...but I've never seen their backs...only their fronts. I keep looking back and forth...the bridge doesn't look safe, but the there's no safety amongst the crowd. What you say, you don't see anyone around? I see them clearly...you mean you see no one with their backs towards me? I can't believe you see no one?

What? Why can't I take a step back? You say there's no ground behind me...don't you see the tree's and the hills? You mean they aren't there? You mean I have no choice but to take the bridge? Okay...You mean I have no choice but to take the hand?

What about the ones I love...What about my dreams...What about my memories? Forget them? I can't do such a thing.. What, you didn't say forget them? You said, you're ripping them? Ripping them, how? You're ripping them from me... How will I make it without them? You say I'll be okay! I don't feel okay! You say you promise me!

Well to be honest I don't know how to move without these people, but I don't know how to move without you either... So here...take all of these people...wait...are you sure I can't take them with me? You're sure I don't have the strength. What about you? You seem pretty strong! It's not their time, you say? It's my time though? So I have to leave them?

Well okay then...I guess I keep moving foward...but if you don't see the people, why are you saying I have to leave them? What? You've already moved me? What do you mean? The people are where I left them? I didn't know that I moved. You moved me when the tears blocked my vision? Then what do I see? I see my my dreams and my memories, you say!
Can I carry them with me? Only the good ones, the bad are too heavy! So I have to lay down the bad! What if they all are bad because they all hurt? I should give you them all, and one day you'll give me back the good ones, when I'm stronger? But I don't know how? You say trust you! You see nothing I see, feel nothing I feel, and you want me to trust you!

--That's Right-- Trust me~

Packing

2005-02-17T07:40:00.000-06:00

I'm in the process of moving again. For those that know me, you would think I'd be pretty good at this task. But to be honest, most of the time movers came and packed up our family. And when I moved at college, well my parents kinda did it for me.

This is the first move I've done on my own kinda. And I realized last night, how much I suck at it. I spent a lot of the night packing boxes. I also spent most of the night in tears. I went through all of my youth ministry stuff and threw it all in the garbage.

This whole move is weird because I wanted to move just because the people above me are driving me nuts and my apt. has mice. But I hadn't really thought about where I'd move to or when. Then my friend asked me out of nowhere if I'd room with her. The idea of having a roommate sounded good...it was a definite God thing. It will be weird not living in Rantoul, but I'll be around...I'm not totally gone. It will be a nice change of pace though.

But my goal in this move is to kinda start over. My goal is to try to find a church and build myself back up. I'm lost on the inside...more lost than I've ever been in my life. I used to know where my passion were, but I'm not so sure I know anymore. So at this point I want to clear everything away and see if I can find them again.

Last night as I threw all my stuff away, I found an e-mail. I read this e-mail and started crying...because the e-mail was one of hope. It was a response to an e-mail I sent out...I was frustrated and felt used and basically like nothing I was doing was good enough. The e-mail in reply was beautiful...but I wonder how much of it was truth. I threw everything away except that...for some reason I couldn't throw that away because I want to believe it's true even if it doesn't seem true.

Packing...I don't really enjoy it so much. Starting over is a scary thing...I've done it many times, but this starting over is different...because it's not fully starting over...some pieces of my life will be the exact same. But those empty spaces in my heart and life are what scare me.

Updates....

2005-02-16T07:45:00.000-06:00

I have really one thing to say this morning besides that fact that I'm so tired I'm about to fall out of my chair...but I got an A on my stats test. This is an exciting day in my life because I've never been good at math. My last stats class I took, I received a 104%. So I'm greatly thrilled to see that I have indeed learned to master my fear of math.

If I can master math...then I'll be able to master the church. This is my hope anyway...at least now I can figure out the statistical probability that I'll ever really return to the church.

I have to clean my apt today in the midst of the packing because people from Washington D.C are coming to inspect the apt's because they used to be subsidized housing at one time...now they aren't anymore...therefore they have to make sure that they've been updated and fixed up. Anyway, my name was randomly drawn to show my apt. Yay for me! I told my landlord that that was fine...I actually said...at this point you know...why not! I'll just put a note on my door and tell her my panties are in drawer number 3 in my dresser...

Exciting...in other news...I think I might be going to a slipknot concert. I'm really excited. It should be a blast.

Oh and last night...Dejuan called...for those who don't know Dejuan...we were great friends when I was at ICC. I was working through Jason awhile back because I lost track of him and finally we got each other phone numbers. So he called! It was so exciting. He's crazy...he's like the male version of me. Sometime soon, I'm going to get together with him because he's not that far away, at Olivet.

Then I talked to Rich last night...I went on a date with him back in the day, but he went through a period of intense struggle and didn't want anything to do with me or most other Christians. Well last night we talked and it was neat...things have calmed down in his life and we talked about so much. It was just good to talk to an old friend. I don't see me ever dating him again...he's an all around good guy, but he's very very settled..and well you know me...so it would be a time would tell scenario...who knows...i may not even talk to him again for a period of time.

That's the updates...

Adam's journal article...

2005-02-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

Well it's early in the morning on the only morning I get to sleep in on...and I'm awake. It was a long night of tossing and turning. My dreams were chaotic. It's going to be a heavy day. I've had a lot of those lately.

Yesterday I found out that a dear friend of mine is having a biopsy on Friday...by Monday we should know if it's cancerous or not. My heart just breaks down...Now I am forced to be strong. The biggest part of me wants to collapse on my knees and scream at God...but this time that's not my place...this time I need to be strong for my friend.

When I was younger I imagined older life as this... I imagined me in college and working, and hanging out with friends on the weekends and spending occasional evenings with someone I loved doing goofy things that no other couple does.

Somehow I missed that boat. It's been almost 3 years now since I've dated anyone...I am in college...my work is minimal and chaotic, and my friends that I have are awesome, but I wouldn't classify it as a huge group of friends...but I love my friends and they are loyal..therefore I classify it as good..and those occasional evenings I instead spend by myself.

So yesterday at work I had about 14 kids huddled all around me...I was sitting at a table drawing...which I do a lot of now. The kids watched the entire time...it was weird. When I finished the drawing, one of the girls said...I can't believe you drew that...that's professional work...I just laughed at her and smiled. She then looked at me puzzeled and said..."what is the girls name?"

Let me back up and describe the picture. The picture is of the inner city. There is a homeless girl sitting in a back alley way. The building that are protecting her are an old apt. building and a church. She's sitting in the back of the church, that has a sign (please use front door). No one knows she's there.

Now returning to the girls above question. I responded that I hadn't named her...she looks at me and said...'I think it's you.' I looked at her and asked 'why me?' Her response...I don't know...you just seem sad a lot lately...maybe you feel like that girl....I'm going to call her Lynn.

I left work yesterday knowing that that girl was me. That I felt homeless outside a church, who doesn't know I exist....or they know it but only ackknowledge it when they take the trash out the back door.

---I feel alone--- It's amazing how fast people can disappear and it's amazing how fast you realize the conditional love they possessed. I'm your friend as long as you do this for me...or I'm your church as long as you behave this way...

The following is Adam's Xanga journal article...I want to paste it here because it's how I feel...and the way he wrote it is perfect, but I could have never found the right words to say....

"The biggest misstep the Church has made recently is to equate repentance, real repentance, with behavior modification. Sure, we give lip service to the idea that repentance is about changed hearts, but what does our practice reveal? Listen to so-called "preaching for repentance" and all you hear is a list of the things you shouldn't DO (or think, but that's a topic for a different time). This implication, that having a repentant heart simply means not doing the things you used to, is nothing more than treating the symptoms rather than the disease.
To make things worse, we emphasize accountability of actions over care for the heart. In other words, we're only held accountable for what we DO. Rarely, if ever, have I been part of an accountability relationship where the emphasis was on who and how we love. The focus is always on what we DO. It's like we think that people just sin because that's what people do, and we fail to understand that sin is born and bred in the human heart. Therefore, shouldn't the inner life be of greater concern to us? And it's here that the Church has unwittingly fallen into another cleverly disguised trap.

Because we do try and address people's spiritual lives, don't we? We tell everyone that x minutes of Bible and prayer a day keep the Devil away. Sometimes we even will bring up things like fasting. The problem? We've still got the cart way out in front of the horse. These are still externals, and we're right back where we started in the behavior correction business. Contrary to popular evangelical belief, Jesus wasn't all that interested in correcting people's behavior. His Sermon on the Mount points out over and over again that achieving holiness this way is humanly impossible.

So what was Jesus really concerned about? Love. He desires for us to love God and love each other. He wants us to keep the promises we've made, not always because we want to, but because we've chosen to. It's pretty obvious from Jesus' frequent exasperation with His followers and the prayer in the garden that He didn't always want to love us. But He chose to.
Besides, He understood this one thing that the Church seems to have forgotten. Jesus knew that whoever came to Him in a committed love relationship would be changed. They wouldn't have to be berated into purity by shrill hellfire and brimstone, moral legislation, or anything else. Jesus only offers Himself as a behavior corrective. He expects us to do the same."

Valentines Ramblings

2005-02-14T10:30:00.000-06:00

So it's Valentines day. I really don't like this holiday, and not because I don't have a boyfriend...I didn't like it when I did have a boyfriend. It seems generic that one day a year every guy in America that's dating a girl actually treats her right one day out of the year because if he doesn't he will appear to be a slug. I don't enjoy the holiday.

When I was little my dad used to buy me chocolates and balloons and presents...it was another Christmas for me. It was just crazy.

Tonight I'll be with Tiffany. And after much thought, there is no one else in the world that I'd rather spend this Valentines day with. This girl brings a smile to my face. When I first started working with her, she was quiet, withdrawn, sad, depressed, and hateful. Now she's laughing, talking, asking questions, being honest, she's growing and learning. I wish more than anything that I had a church to get her plugged into, but at the moment I don't.

Love...I guess this is the day of "love." Lately I haven't felt loved...now my family has been amazing...my mom actually bought me a Valentines gift. For the first time in a long time I feel loved by my family...but there is a section of my heart that is completely empty.

I've heard people say that they have a broken heart...I never knew what it was until now. And I've been in really hard situations and I've been engaged before...but even when that ended I never had a broken heart...I just moved forward. I guess if I'm going to have to have a broken heart I would rather have it over the loss of a ministry and a church and those that I love than over a boy.

Granted I like guys...I'm getting to the stage where I'm ready to date again. Granted I'm not sure who I would date...maybe I could date some thug who will beat the shit out of me...that seems to be the guys I attract. Now I've known nice guys before...you know them. The guys that you feel safe around, that are down to earth, your average all around good guy...but those guys don't like me. The guys that like me are guys that have bicepts bigger than my head, that are thugish, that have had hard lives and need a second chance...and I have sucker written on my forehead. I'll give every bonehead a secondchance and what happens...yeah you guessed it..I get thrown into walls, I get thrown out of moving vehicles...I get talked down to, manipulated and treated like shit.

So I'm not dating anyone until one of those all around good guy's likes me. I'm not like those females who want the bad boys...I just feel sorry for them, but I've decided that I can't date my clients and the guys I've dated need a social worker and a counselor. No more of that. So I sit wondering where he is...where that guy is that will care enough to treat me right. I don't need flowers everyday, going out everynight, phonecalls constantly...what I need is a guy who I can trust, a guy who loves God in a way that I know he'll see my worth, and a guy who will love me when I'm having the worst day of my life as well as when I'm having the best day. I need a guy to accept the huge amount of love I have in my heart...it's ready to give...I'm just looking for someone who will take my heart and not stomp on it in the end. Love isn't perfect...but it doesn't have to hurt either.

So long story short...I'm not looking for my prince charming...I'm looking for my 'average joe.' He doesn't have to be fancy or packaged greatly...he just has to be willing to love and be loved.

Does he exist...I know he does...but I'm not sure if he exists for me...maybe I'm destined to have the crap beat out of me...in that case I will live alone...I'm not the type of girl who could never marry. I have a desire for a husband and a family...I'm honestly not sure how I would live without that...it's hard living alone now...I don't mind it all that much...but it would be nice to have someone to share things with.

So these are my random Valentines ramblings...

If Only....

2005-02-13T15:45:00.000-06:00

I'm so jealous...

"I wish I had her clothes, and her car and her friends and her money and her life and her house and her and her and her and her...."

I remember these statements in high school...of the common..."If only" statement. If only I had that shirt, I know that he would like me...

Today Katie and I walked out of church before the service was finished...I couldn't take anymore and neither could Katie. Now I know that it's not completely the church's fault. I have a lot of hurt inside of me and church is hard for me right now. But today I just couldn't take it anymore as the pastor spoke of stewardship. I was mad at the beginning because the pastor spoke about how the church would close down if everyone gave their $5 a week and how we need to increase that $5 a week to sacrificial giving. As a college student, I don't have a lot of cash...not saying I couldn't give more money, considering right now I'm not real sure where I'm going to tithe too...but giving is more than cash. For me giving included my gifts and time. Right now I've got nowhere to do that...but then towards the end the minister said, "where you give your money your heart will follow and where your heart is you'll give your money." He continued to say that when you find a place where you give your time, gifts, heart and money, then you have found a place that will take care of you...I couldn't listen to it anymore...I had to get out of there. The statement he said is true..or maybe I should say...should be true....but it's not real for me right now.

So I go back to my original statement...I'm so jealous...I'm jealous of people who sit in church and walk out feeling moved, of people who go to church each week to see people they love and to be ministered to, of people who belong...If only I could find somewhere, if only I could be someone else, if only I could be safe...

Jealous...if only.... None of it really takes you anywhere, at the end of the service, I walk back onto the same wet streets as everyone else...I step in the same puddles...the difference is that it is my tears that form the puddles...

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of the youth and the church and cry and pray for it...but there's also not a day that goes by that I don't pray for healing. There's not a day that goes by that I feel the pain of the wounds and need nothing more than a healing hand to bring peace to me. Today a man that Katie and I know came up behind us and wrapped his arms around us and shook us and was just crazy...I need those hands that wrap around me.

Most people cry because of friends, family, depression, bad day, boyfriend or girlfriend (for you guy readers) ...but if there is anyone out there that cries because of their church, that hurts because of their church...please let me know...I feel pretty alone in this battle. But I'm proud of myself because I'm determined to not leave "thee church" because of my hurt...I'm determined to heal, I'm determined to survive....I'm determined...

What Am I So Afraid Of?

2005-02-12T19:45:00.000-06:00

As I was driving today I sat and prayed for probably the longest time I've ever prayed. It was less of a prayer and more of a conversation.

I've felt worthless lately...meaningless...like a piece of crap. But the last month has been one of moving forward...one of finding my meaning...and finding my worth. So much of my personality is in giving to other people or what I call ministry. I love it so much, it's my passion, my heart, my desire...it's what makes my days move, my heart grow and God real. It just seems dead for me right now, I find myself looking for opportunities everywhere...for the first time in a year I'm searching everywhere to someone who needs me...but more importantly needs God.

I drove my grandma to the other side of the state to see her sister who is in the hospital today. I looked at my great aunt, who I love dearly, and realized how lonely she is. Her and her husband never got along and he died several years back. They adopted a son, who is ungrateful and a complete weirdo and has nothing to do with her. She has no grandchildren...nothing. I think of her life and how in her older age she wonders what she has to show for her life. She's an amazing Christian woman and I know her life has been used...but I can see in her eyes, her yearning for family, for friends, for love.

I know the feeling all too well. The future is so unknown and really in the end, I wonder what I'll have to show. I may not be a person that has a ton of friends, but I love my friends dearly! This last month, my friends have held my hand and pulled me through...they've listened, they've taken me to church, and they've sat beside me as I've cried through services. I haven't had to go to church alone yet. It's weird because my friends know that I'm fearless and have no problem going to church alone...but they see that right now I just can't do it.

With all this on my heart...this song has been a song that's been so meaningful to me. This song tells a lot of how I feel. It's not so much about one friend and how I'm going to minister to a particular friend...but it's more about my heart to do ministry...but I just don't know what to say anymore or how to do it...nothing feels or seems right...for the first time...I'm really scared of church and ministry.... I've faced pain this past month that I never thought I would ever endure...it hurts to see my "friend" slowly fade away...my friend being the church and ministry...

Father, hear my prayer
I need the perfect words
Words that he will hear
And know they're straight from You
I don't know what to say
I only know it hurts
To see my only friend slowly fade away

So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him

But here I go again,
Here I go again

Lord, You love him so, You gave Your only Son
If he will just believe; he will never die
But how then will he know what he has never heard
Lord he has never seen mirrored in my life
So maybe this time I'll speak the words of life
With Your fire in my eyes
But that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
What am I so afraid of?

'Cause here I go again
Talkin' bout the rain
And mulling over things that won't live past today
And as I dance around the truth
Time is not his friend
This might be my last chance to tell him that
You love him

But here I go again,
Here I go... here I go...

This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him
This might be my last chance to tell him that You love him

You love him, You love him
What Am I so afraid
What am I so afraid
What am I so afraid of?
How then will he know
What he has never heard

The blog of all blogs....

2005-02-12T01:20:00.000-06:00

So after this post, I'm not sure I should ever post again...I'm not sure any blog should ever be posted in again because this is the entry of all entries.

So tonight I'm at a movie theater with a group of friends. I pull into a parking space and marking my space was a huge pile of clothes. So what did I do...I picked them up and carried a pile of frozen clothes home that are thawing out in my bathtub. They are all mens clothes, name brand...I was looking for a person that fits the size 38 /34 jeans...but you may just be too late...

Pictures will soon be appearing...

If you think this blog sucks...you're really just jealous!

'The Return of the Prodigal Son'

2005-02-10T19:30:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been studying the parable of the prodigal child. I've also been doing a lot of reading and looking at Rembrandt's painting The Return of the Prodigal Son. When I first starting reading about the painting and reading the story and then reading a book by Henri Nouwen, I pictured myself just like the prodigal child.

I want to speak in this entry as real as I can without quoting from outside readings, but really just speak from the heart. As I read the story of the prodigal son the first time, I really thought very little about it other than the prodigal child is any child that comes home to the Father. My initial thought is that this happens when people walk away from their faith.

As I began searching deeper I realized that this may not necessarily be true. Nouwen speaks of his search for love, his pursuit for acceptance, and his depression of rejection. I realized all too clearly that this was a picture of myself. That I, indeed was the prodigal child, that I left home searching so fervently for love and acceptance and when I came up empty, I made excuses for days of what I was going to say upon my return home.

I realized once I got home that I didn't have to say anything, there was rejoicing going on. I then looked at my brother and saw his anger and resentment and inside I realized that that older brother was also me. There has been so much of me that gave my heart and soul to my passion and work, I gave everything I had and in the end the party and the love was given to someone else and I stood unable to participate in the joy of the Father.

Then as I continued to look at it, I realized that God was calling me to be neither of the sons but to be the father. To be compassionate, to be serving, not self-serving. To grieve, forgive and be grateful. As I read this, I question...how can I ever be the father when I haven't yet experienced that love... I find myself in the cycle of human love and human rejection. I find myself entrapped in the resentment that comes from love and rejection...and I find myself always cycling between the younger and older son...but never treading into path of the father.

I've never been much of an artist, but today I sat with my sketch pad and for 5 hours I sketched a picture of the parable of what the prodigal son was to me. I began sketching when I viewed myself as the prodigal son...I drew a person, undefined, unclothed, just a person, chained, bowing before the father with tears running down their face. The older brother was a 20th cent. body builder when his hands up in rejection as the father has his hands on the prodigals back.

The second sketch in the series was when I saw myself as the older son. The body builder is chained and bound and the father is still on his knees waiting for the older son to put his hands into the fathers hands...and the prodigal is on his knees looking at the chains that once imprisioned him.

The third sketch is when I realized that I'm really to be the father...both sons are on their knees unchained and the father has one hand on each son.

Forgiveness...it's so hard...such a challenge...I'm too young to be this old...yet I'm I'm not as old as I think I am...

In my search for a sanctuary...a safe place or a place of protection...I realized that it comes not through human acceptance and rejection, but through knowing that I am the Beloved on whom His favor rests. As I've thought deeply about this, there are so many changes ahead of me...I'm going to have to search for a new job, because of the need for acceptance I have been working in a job where my boss doesn't show up to work and then records that she did so she can get paid and then tells me to take days off and writes that I have been working... This is fraud..and it's wrong...it has been going on for the last month and I've been so torn down by rejection that I was scared of more rejection...so I remained in the job...but after studying this parable, I realize that this job doesn't define my belovedness... but it could define my jail cell if I stay in this mess.

So as I finally come to understand what it means to be joint heirs with Jesus...I realized that Jesus left the Heavenly home to take on human form...stood under rejection and then went back to His Father....I am a joint heir...what people think of me will only take me as far as their mind turns...what God thinks of me will take me through eternity...

Social Work

2005-02-09T08:00:00.000-06:00

Sitting in class yesterday we were talking about religious affiliation with child welfare agencies. My class contains 3 DCFS workers, which is a government affiliated agency. I on the other hand am affiliated with a Christian child welfare agency. We were discuss the child welfare system over the last hundred years and the changes that have derrived. This system is far from perfect but with the instalation of family preservation...this system is becoming better.

One of our DCFS workers made a comment about the program One Church, One Child. This program is more targeted to the African American population. The percentage of African American children in the system is greater than the percentage of foster homes that will take African American children....you don't want to hear my opinion on that...

Anyway, the DCFS worker said, "I personally don't like the program, they don't do anything, they haven't made a difference." Then she continued..."Most religious agencies don't do anything to help the kids, they just try to shove religion down their the throats of children who view fathers as abusive or abandoning creatures and then the church wants to shove a Heavenly Father in their face. How does the church think the kids will view Him when their foster home decides they can't keep the child or when the system takes full ownership of the child?"

She had an amazing point, a point I stand firm on, especially after working with teens who have grown up in the system and saw thousands of kids adopted while they are still in foster care. These kids don't view God the same way children from healthy families view God. Now I know that some Christians will say, the Bible is the only real picture of God...if they read it then they wouldn't be misinformed. What I have to say to that is "BITE ME."

Christians don't fully understand what it means to look a child or an adolescent whose never had their basic needs met. We were formed from a male and a female who are titled Mom and Dad...yet many children are born just to Mom and then many children are born to Mom and then given away by Mom. Their first look at life is different. They have no stories of their first day coming into the world, no stories of their first birthday...no stories of the younger years. So they go to schools where people have their families and normals families at that and then they are an outcast because they are different.

They are labeled as the "foster kid." These are children who literally have nothing. All the state of Illinois requires of foster parents to give their foster kids is a bed, three meals a day and any daily hygiene products. Therefore as long as a child has an outfit for each day of the week and the cleaning products and a bed and food...they are not considered neglected.

I for one can say I have more than 7 outfits, I have plenty of extra hygiene products, I have food for snacks and meals, I have more than a bed to my belonging. Yet there are many foster kids who live in this restricted enviroment...why? Because the state pays the foster parents to house the child and to provide for the child, well the less money the parents spend on the child, the more money the parents get to keep...it's their income. And it sucks for the child.

Now not every foster parent is like this, but as the system grows, there are rising numbers of parents becoming like this.

The church could help, but that would involve pastors going into the community, finding the agencies, finding the needs, and finding the supplies. That would involve Christians deciding that mentoring these kids would be an amazing impact in their lives. Because you see...the children don't need to hear about Christ, they don't need to go to church ever Sunday...what they first needs is to see a picture of Christ. Once they see that picture, then they can hear and then they will attend church to hear more.

How silly we can be for assuming that VBS will be enough, that Sunday School will be enough, that our prayers will simply be enough. Now I believe strongly in all of these things, but not as enough. Jesus lived his days in active service and we should too. Why are our safety nets so important to us that people are hungry, thirsty, abused, lonely, and hurting...and we just wrap our net tighter around us. Ditch the net...as Christians if we can't trust in the Hand of God to guide and catch us and care for us when we're hurt...then how will anyone else ever see who Jesus is?

I've worked with a teen for the past 6 months and never once sat down to share the gospel with her...why?...she's not ready yet...but more importantly...she needs to see the gospel in action...she needs to see love. I'm not perfect at this, but this is what she needs, not only from me but from Christians in her community...but instead she's labeled as a drug seller, a bad kid, a loss...hopeless....she's none of these...she's my girl and every week when she comes in wearing a smile I get a little more excited because things are happening and every week when she comes in wearing tears, I sit beside her with kleenexes and let her talk it out...and each time I want to just take her place so she doesn't have to live through this pain... As a Christian, I can't fix what she's going through, but I can be beside and let her hurt and let her be in pain and accept anyway. That's what these kids need, acceptance no matter what they do, who they are, or how they feel...they need so see unconditional love!

So KUDOS to every foster parent out there who is showing their children unconditional love...you are special people and KUDOS to every church out there who reaching out to these children and who is reaching out to the mothers and fathers who abandoned their children for reasons we don't know or understand....even these people need unconditional love. KUDOS to the families that are opening their homes to mentor children with hurt. KUDOS to the listening ears and the open hearts and mouths that are shut to keep from judging. With each step you are showing a child what their Heavenly Father looks like. You're earning the trust of a child...that child has put their livlihood in your hands, everyday give that life to God...everyday treasure that life and help be the healer of the hurt.

Chancellors List

2005-02-08T09:01:00.000-06:00

So I was accepted a Chancellors List person...I'm not sure if they have a name. Boy the Chancellor would be upset to find out that I'm not really even sure what a Chancellor is. Whoever he is I made his list. I hope it's not like the army...I'll go to school in March and be called to the chancellors office where I'm handed a weapon and a hat and made to fight for our school or something...

So I called home and read the letter to my parents and the letter has the words "Lynn" and "gifted" in the same sentence. Now my name has appeared on many letters home but the word "gifted" was never beside it. Usually the letter read...Lynn is a distraction in her classes and cannot find ways to keep her mouth shut. Who would have thought that I would have made it to grad school at the U of I and actually do well at it?

But if someone could help me with what the hell chancellor is, I'd greatful. I looked it up in the dictionary and encyclopedia...I found nothing...so I'm thinking it's a practical joke because we didn't have a chancellor at LCC...oh wait...that's because LCC is a practical joke... So I guess I'm smart or something...I'm voting for the or something category...

Graorange Fruit

2005-02-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

Many of you may be wondering what a Graorange Fruit is. Well while at Katies this weekend her mom comes into Katies room and tells us both to come to the kitchen. She has a rather serious tone of voice so Katie asks what we did. We did nothing...Doris was just very excited that she bought fruit and wanted me to see. So she makes us all grab a piece and eat it. So I grab an orange thinking, it's been awhile since I've eaten an orange. I get the orange all peeled and through the process, it smells like an orange...but when I open it, it looks like a grapefruit. So Doris tells me to taste and it tasted like a mixture of grapefruit and orange. It was so sour...so Doris tasted it and made faces that got Katie and I laughing so hard I thought we were going to die.

Doris thinks that the hurricanes were so strong in Florida that they crossgerminated a orange with a grapefruit. So another exciting night at the Craners!

I Am My Father's Daughter

2005-02-07T07:34:00.000-06:00

When I was growing up, I couldn't go anywhere with my dad without hearing, boy she's her fathers daughter. I look a lot like my dad. There is a lot about me that is different from my sisters. I have natural curly hair, which we're still not sure about...I have broad shoulders, a different personality...and the list moves on.

Yesterday my dad and I went to church together. He was driving home and he picked lunch up because mom was sick and dad thought it would be a great idea to drive 75 all the way home and burn rubber on his tires.... I was just getting ready to make a comment and the only thing that came to my mind was...I am my father's daughter. So I just kept my mouth shut and held onto the cups that my dad gave me to hold.

My dad is a very stubborn individual...in 8th grade my dad and I got into a fight...we didn't speak for a month. My mom finally made dad talk to me...but once again...it takes more than one person to be stubborn in this situation...therefore I am my fathers daughter.

My dad is a smarty pants...when we were growing up dad was in college getting his bachelors and masters degree's...he always got A's. When I was in my youngest years of this time, I would go out to the kitchen and sit on my dad's lap while he studied and tell him I was good luck...when he got an A on the test, I decided I really was good luck. So it became a ritual of studying with dad. Neither Emily or Carrie did this...just me because I am my fathers daughter.

So in all things that my dad is...he's a wonderful person with a great heart. My dad is fun to be around, yet a fighter when he has to be. I'm enjoying my dad now, because I'm not sure how well old age will set with him... As we drove to church yesterday my dad was playing southern gospel hymns on the radio and we were singing to them... When we first moved into the country...our well was dry so we had to haul water. Dad took me with him and we sang all kinds of songs together...and once again we sat together singing....I am my fathers daughter.

Then there is fishing...my dad and I can sit together and fish all day and not say a word but have a conversation of a century. Why? I am my father's daughter...

My dad protects me...he's there for me when I'm alone...he'll fight anyone that hurts me...but he loves me enough to sit down when I tell him it's just not worth a fight. The moral of this story...don't mess with any father's daughter...especially my dad's.

Escape into the Pages

2005-02-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

As a child, I loved to read. I remember sitting in a swing in the yard during the summer and reading great books, like Anne of Green Gables, The Story Girl...and other LM Montgomery classics. I would read these books and escape. During those times I was no long Lynn Griffith of Illinois...I was someone else, that was much more fascinating, that had much more strength and had many more friends. I remember sneaking books to classes and trying to read while my teachers talked, I hated to put a book down. As movies have became way more popular than books, I watch movies that were formed from the book and still run back to the orignal masterpiece of the book...it's just always better.

For those that know me, not too much has changed over the years. I'm still sneaking books into classes, I'm still reading at work and I'm still drifting away into the unknown as I read. The thing that has changed is that I'm also enjoying different types of books now.

Probably my favorite author is Henri Nouwen. In the wee hours of the morning, I was reading a book titled Turn My Mourning into Dancing. This is what I read...

"We become violent preciesely because we expect more from each other than we can give. When we look for divine solutions in others, we make others into gods and ourselves inot demons. Our hands no longer caress but instead grasp. Our lips no longer kiss or form kind words but bite. Our eyes no longer look expectantly but suspiciously. Our ears do not hear so much as overhear. Everytime we think that another person or group of people is finally going to come and take away our fear and anxiety, we will find ourselves so frustrated that, instead of becoming gentle, we will become violent."

Henri goes on to offer a solution to such a delimma....

"Community, then, cannot grow out of lonliness, but comes when the person who begins to recognize his or her belovedness greets the belovedness of the other. The God alive in me greest the God resident in you."

I've talked a lot about finding my sanctuary - my place of protection... Reading this reminded me that that place is truly found in God and not in what His people think of me. Through forgiveness...I'm able to live and move forward and God will help me do this because even He experienced my pain...

I close with this thought by Staretz Silouan (a Greek Orthodox monk) "If you pray for your enemies, peace will come to you. And when you love your enemies, take for certain that great divine grace dwells in you."

On this same note Nenri Nouwen adds..."if you believe that you are the beloved, you can offer forgiveness, even when it cannot be received. For still you say, 'I set you free and I am willing to forgive you even when you cannot forgive me, because I claim my belovedness.' And you can move on saying, 'I can ask your forgiveness even though you cannot give it to me yet, and perhaps ever.'

So once again I escape into the pages, imagining me rising above my humanity and into the presense of God in hope and belief that I will not be a manipulator but instead one who embraces her belovedness and sees the stormy waters and allows God to raise me above them and walk upon the waters that could drown me.

enCoUrageMenT

2005-02-05T07:30:00.000-06:00

Last night Ica came up and we ventured to Campus House... Most of you who know me know that I'm not normally a shy or quiet person but last night I was. I immediately became uncomfortable...not because it was weird, but it was church...a place I'm no longer all that comfortable in.

The minister got up and preached...this was the Scripture... Hebrews 3:13 "But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." He spoke for a long time on encouragment...he said that we are all created to need encouragment and to give encouragement. At the end he read us Scripture of God's thoughts about us. I had to struggle to fight back tears the whole time...

I realized that for the past year I've had little to no encouragment by those that surrounded me on a regular basis. Most of the encouragment I carried came from friends that lived miles away. It actually got the point that I believed it was wrong to want encouragement. When I would try to explain that I needed it, in return I would often hear..."I don't need thank you's so I don't think of other people needing them." I didn't want a grand thank you or a ceremony or anything, I wanted encouragment.

Last night for the first time I realized that I had begun to believe that God thinks the same about me as many other people do who have turn their backs. Granted in my head I know that's not true, but last night I realized that in my heart it felt true. When the minister was reading off the verses where God pours His love out for us...my heart just began soaking up these words...hearing them from someone else...hearing a minister speak that type of love into me...it was so hard...

So last night I was sitting in a room full of people who were excited to love God, they had so much passion. I looked around and realized that I used to be that person and I'm just not anymore. It's not that I don't love God...it's that right now I've undergone serious pain...and that excitement has turned into fighting...everyday I fight to hold on to the God I know is real. I fight to forgive the pain and love God and His people.

But last night, for the first time, I felt comfirmation. I wasn't wrong to want and need encouragment. It's in the Bible several times...we are called to encourage one another in Brotherly Love...

Several days back Dayna replied to an entry...I've never met Dayna in person...in fact I know her only through her blog and that's how she knows me...but she put the most encouraging comment on my blog...

Last night the minister said for every insult it takes seven words of encouragment. I believe that is true. I've dated many guys who basically had no respect for women whatsoever...and they really had no respect for me. I remember one guy in particular, he told me I was fat, he told me I was the dumbest Christian he ever met, he told me that I couldn't work with youth in the church because it was wrong for me as a woman, he told me that I didn't know anything about the Bible... After awhile I started to believe these things and become things. That summer after we broke up I was sick and spent tons of time in the gym building my strength up. I ended up losing a ton of weight because of being sick...but I also found a church full of people who encouraged me and loved me and informed me of my knowledge...I began to gain confidence back. I started hanging out with friends in the area who laughed with me, invited me to go places...I began to feel wanted again. That was my sanctuary during that time...

I'm still in search of this sanctuary. Last night the message was great, but I was oddly enough...lonely there. I left and Ica's friends were talking about how friendly everyone was...but for some reason I didn't get that...it may have been me...I wasn't myself...I don't know when I'll ever be able to be myself in church. I think until I find somewhere that is a sanctuary I won't be able to be myself. It's going to take a long time to learn how to trust people and the church again.

When will I be found?

2005-02-04T10:50:00.000-06:00

So last night I rolled in around 3:00 a.m. I came into my apt, walked into my room, shut the light off and crawled in bed. My head hit the pillow and tears just began running down my cheeks....why you wonder? You may be thinking...she's depressed, she's female, her dog got ran over...many things could be possible in this scenario...unfortunately, none of these are why I was crying at 3 a.m. Let me set the night up...

At 6:50 I got a phone call from a friend seeing if I was going to go to Bible study. I told her of course and I would be there to pick her up around 7:15. We get to Bible study, ring the doorbell, Adam doesn't answer so we just walk in. Immediately, I knew this was going to be interesting because Adam wasn't home and just left his house unlocked. So after we settle on his couch, put a pot of coffee in, we're ready to begin, except we have no leader and no group. Eventually Adam returns, suprised to find two girls in his house, he honestly did not know he left his door open. So after we pointed and laughed at him for an extended period of time, we decided that we would still let him lead the Bible study group.

Well 30 minutes later, which was also 30 minutes late...everyone starts rolling in. When I say everyone...that is three more people. Now this is the first time I've been to this Bible study, so first guy walks in and approaches me and says very nicely, "Hi I'm Eric, I don't think I know you." So I introduced myself. John and Christy are the next to come in. Now John and Christy are like two people out of the Victorian era...they talk with a deep English accent, but neither have ever been to England. So John looks at Adam and says, "Adam I believe there is someone here that we have not met, how about you introduce us." Well anyone who knows me...well...I ended up looking at him and said, "it's okay I'm not shy, I can introduce myself." Oh my goodness, people were laughing and by people I'm talking about Adam and the friend I went with.

That sets the pace for the rest of the night. We were in Joshua and after a 40 minute geography lesson from John (whose not the leader) I felt the importance to also point out the different tribes involved and their lineage, well John set me straight immediately, I was not to bring that up and they discussed that weeks earlier. Then during prayer request time, my friend and I were laughing about something and John immediately set us straight that this was wrong.

So my friend and I immediately left the Bible study. We actually were going to stay at Adam's and watch Napoleon Dynamite, but we knew the only way everyone else would leave is if we left, so off we went. The plan worked, the house followed and then we went back. Well we laughed all night long. We laughed so hard and it was just a good time.

So when I walked through the door, I had this overwhelming feeling of not fitting in anywhere. I like Adam and I like my friend, but the rest of the group and I didn't jive. Not only did we not jive, I was an annoyance if you will. So I laid down last night and everything in me wanted to cry out to God about why His people hate me....but I decided to instead pray for His people. I spent a lot of time praying for those that have hurt me, I didn't know what to pray, but I just listed their names. I prayed that I would find a place and a group of people that I would fit in, that would accept me... I just prayed.

I want to be accepted for who I am...not meaning I don't want to grow and change, but when I make a mistake, when I just mess up...when I open my mouth and insert my foot...that gentleness will restore me. I want to learn and grow, but I want to be myself at the same time. Adam told me to come back next week and be someone else...I just looked at him and said, if that's what I have to do...I guess I'm not coming back. I'm not a perfect person, and I don't claim to be. I'm the Christian that gets along with non-christians much better because they are so accepting. I can live my life in their midst knowing that even if they don't agree they respect it, and in the mean time, maybe I can teach them some things. I've learned the greatest vision of God's love for His people and acceptance by being in the midst of the unchurched. Maybe one day I'll be good enough...maybe one day I'll be worthy of forgiveness and worthy of second chances in the eyes of God's people...but in my own eyes and in God's eyes, I'll never be worthy...I'll only be lavished with grace.

Still in search of a sanctuary...I have a lunch meeting next week with a pastor in the area...I'm optimistic about this... He heard of me from a dear friend of mine and e-mailed me to meet him for lunch and just sit and talk. I'm very nervous, because what if once again, I'm not liked... I'm changing...last night I didn't even want to give prayer requests because they showed my weaknesses and when my weaknesses shine, people run away. But I did it anyway. I'm learning strength to keep going when everything logically tells me to stop... "But I am convince that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So I keep striving and searching and pleaing everyday to hold onto that love that the world strives so hard to break.

I believe...His Grace is enough...

Moving...

2005-02-03T07:19:00.000-06:00

During my life time I've moved quite a few times. In the last five years, I've done a lot of moving. I guess you could say I'm getting good at it. But every move is hard. Last night I started packing, and it just wasn't hard. Putting things in the boxes and thinking of the future wasn't hard this time.

God just opened the doors and it feels so right. I've never really had a roommate, so that will be different for me, but I'm excited to room with Liz. It will be like undergrad again in a way...only we won't have to eat crappy caf food.

But anyway, in the realm of packing I realized I have too much stuff.

When I was in second grade my family and I moved. We did live in Peoria, in what would now constitute as the ghetto of Peoria. In second grade we moved out to the country where the five acre yard appeared glorious at the time but after mowing it, yeah it just wasn't that great. Then we moved down to Kentucky, that was a very very hard move. I left my friends, family, church, everything that was familiar. But when people ask me where I'm from, I'll say KY everytime because that's where I grew up the most. Then I moved to Lincoln for college... Do I really have to dwell on those years? Lets just say I graduated and it's over! During the summers I was always moving around... And then I moved to Rantoul.

Rantoul...it's the home of the world's smallest Walmart and the worlds biggest post office. I'm not kidding you when I say that their post office could be bigger than their Walmart. Ten minute oil changes turn into hour long visits. The IGA is over-priced and snobbish feeling. The town is formed of many race, but all of them segregate themselves, racism is high. Most churches are all weathy, all middle class, all black, all white, all mexican. Rantoul...I came here scared out of my mind, not real happy that my dad picked the ghetto to put me in, but I dealt with it. I learned a lot, I grew a lot, and I helped a lot.

Now it's time to move again. This won't be my final move. In a year I have to move at least once more for an internship and then who knows after that. I've been accused of running away from things when I move. I don't agree. I had to move to KY and when I moved to Lincoln, I wasn't running away, I was running towards -- that's the same with Rantoul. I was running towards an internship and grad school and a church and a job...the future. Now in this move, I'm running towards being twenty-three.

I haven't been twenty-three yet. Sure I've been the age...but not really lived it. I've had youth over all the time that I've had to care for. I was planning events, working, school...life. Don't get me wrong, I loved it and I miss it more than anything. If I could have both worlds, that would be my choice, but when God closes a door, He opens a window. A window isn't the same as a door, you can see outside, but it's a lot harder to climb in and out of a window. This isn't going to be the same and it's going to take me awhile to adjust but now I'm going to be going to grad school, having a roommate, getting more involved with people my age.

So running away...heck no...running towards...always! I hope my mice don't sneek in the boxes...I sure don't want them to move with me....bleh..

The Spite of My Passion

2005-02-02T14:09:00.000-06:00

As a young child I remember learning how to cook. The first meal I made was Turkey Piccata, mashed potatoes, green beans, and gravy. I remember the joy of completing the meal and seeing everyone eat it.

Most 23 year old girls don't thrive on cooking. But for me, I love to cook. Well I used to love to cook...

Today I went grocery shopping. I'm walking through aisle after aisle, viewing all the ingredients and foods. I came home with nothing. Some writers get writers block, well I have 'cookers block' - if there is such a thing. When a writer loses his/her passion to write, they are unable to write. I've lost my passion to cook. It seems meaningless cooking a meal for myself...cooking has always been something I've done for other people. I guess it's been my ministry or service.

Because of this ongoing problem...my mom has actually had to grocery shop for me. I'm now living off of canned soups and... well canned soups. I eat one meal a day now...if I'm lucky.

So I decided that I should do what every writer does, get a new a vision a new experience, something to excite them to write. But I'm having trouble coming up with something or someone to excite me to cook. If I lived in a big city, I would go to the homeless shelter and talk to people there and help cook. If I had a church, I'd do something through that. It just seems like there's no ideas to excite my passions any longer.

So as I wander the streets aimlessly, I search for something, someone to fan the flame that I once held inside. Next week I am going to be sitting down with a minister in the area who is a friend of a dear friend of mine. He's an older man, with a lot of experience behind the wheel of ministry. I'm looking forward to this conversation. Hoping to find a home soon...a sanctuary if you will..."a place of refuge and protection."

It's The End Of My World...Prayer of Jabez Boxer Shorts...Come On!

2005-02-01T07:45:00.000-06:00

I remember the day when I loved Christian bookstores. I could do no wrong in these palaces of perfection. I could walk into the store knowing that I would only leave being a Godlier woman than before. Just walking into these God houses was an act of worship to my Savior.

Well as things have been taking place in life, the song writings of Steven Curtis Chapman make me want to hurl instead of fall on my knees. Veggie Tales are simple way of trying to get kids to eat healthy while be fed their spiritual vegetables. Testamints...what...why put a verse on a breath mint...come on now really! But it all comes down to this....

Never again will I give my money to Christian bookstores. Yes that’s right...while once again exploring the Christian bookstore scene to see if I could maybe find God there, I decided that the only thing I could find there was a migraine headache. Upon the view of the prayer of jabez boxer shorts, I realized that some Christians do view blessings come from their butt, but I hardly see that their boxer shorts will impress God and I don’t think the locker room crowd will fall on their knees in prayer because of them either. Then my mind was filled with the many many Purpose Driven Life monuments. I think the more stuff you own with Rick Warren’s name tacked onto it, the greater force you must have. If this is indeed true then I may as well give up right now and try something else. Then their are the T-shirts, bracelets, stuff animals, coffee cups, cards, fish figurines, and other useless tactics to market Jesus. Maybe it’s just me, but last I knew Jesus wasn’t marketable.

This doesn’t even touch on the Christian music industry. Why is it that Christian music runs five years behind secular music? Just within the last year some cool Christian bands are coming out, but what took them so long and why are their so few and why are their c.d’s so high priced? Where’s the creativity in Christian music....I know I’ll just say God, Jesus, Yahweh in eighteen different languages to a variation of Mary Had a Little Lamb and I’m sure to become a best seller in America....oh that’s right....most other nations have better things to spend their money on besides over priced, Godly crap. Can you picture it...father comes home from a 12 hour day of work where he pulled in the equivalency of three american dollars and turns to his family and said, "I decided that we’re not going to eat this week because we really needed this Chris Tomlin album that has his face plastered on the front."

So stepping down from my pedestal, I have one final word.....hummphhh........

2005-01-31T08:10:00.000-06:00

So I went to church yesterday with my mom. The sermon was geared toward our sins and how we nailed Jesus to the cross. They showed the clip from The Passion of Christ where Jesus is beaten. I don't know, everyone was crying but me. I just sat there as my frustrations rose. I wanted to stand up and scream that Jesus did not want for us to dwell on the pain and the lashings and the sin, but instead put our minds on the grace. How meaningless His death is if we sit around and still continue to focus on the sin. Yes, somedays we need to be brought to reality, but yesterday wasn't one of those for me.

After the feeling of rejection and of pain and the tears I cried, I needed something uplifting, not rejecting. I walked out of church feeling worse than when I went into church. My mom and I sat at a local restaurant and talked about everything. She just listened as I poured my heart out about the church and how frustrated I am as a Christian. Finally I said, I think I just need to try something different. I'm so tired of sitting in sanctuaries where people lift their hands and worship and sing songs and hear sermons, but then feeling the rejection of these same groups of people. I told my mom that I was thinking of attending an episcopal church for awhile. They have high opinions of social justice, but their services are very very traditional. This isn't somewhere I'd stay for a long period of time, but it may be refreshing, a change of pace if you will. My mom told me to try what I felt I needed. I love the church, I love the picture of the church that is painted in the Bible, but I'm having trouble here on earth...I'm having trouble finding my fit.

So you wonder how this relates to stories of my growing up. Well because growing up it was different. I was always looking for my place to fit in society, in my school...but never really in my church. As a child, my faith was so simple. I didn't know this stuff, I didn't know these battles, I didn't know church would be so hard. Church for me was like a trip to the swimming pool, skating on a Saturday, going to the library. It was easy, enjoyable, it made me smile. I'm beginning to understand the child like faith and why it's so important. But how do you get back to there...I was told that I grew up beyond my time. It was related to a child that was raped, they lose their innocence...a lady said...Lynn the church raped you, you lost your innocence before it was your time, and now you're going to have to learn how to function within that. The church did not literally rape me, it's an expression, they took away something and replaced it with something else. They took away my freedom and dreams and ideals that church was a place of acceptance for everyone and replaced it with rejection. This is not a concept most 23 year olds face in church or ministry...

God in A Box...

2005-01-30T08:12:00.000-06:00

So it's Sunday, a day that I rarely look forward to anymore. The older I get the more in tuned I get that faith is built upon the box that they shove God into. But this isn't how I always was. When I was little, I was the member of a church going family. When I say church going, I don't mean occasional or anything like that. The church was our religion, we went to church every chance we could get. Unlike most kids, my sisters and I spent next to no time in the nursery. We did not go to Sunday school. Church was a must, but for a young child involved in no activities, it never really made sense to us. I remember laying in the pew with my head on my mom's lap, counting the pieces of wood that formed the ceiling in the sanctuary. I remember walking out of the sanctuary and seeing a big man with one leg missing, sitting on the table. Beside him sat his fake leg. This would scare most kids, but for me I never remember being scared of him...it was like he understood things that I never did. In church, we had to be good, we had to be perfect, we had to pretend we had it all put together, but this man never pretended like he had it put together. Somedays he'd preach sitting down, without his leg. For awhile, I believed that God reigned outside the box that other ministers shoved Him into.

In fifth grade, this man ceased to exist in pure life. There have been days that I believe if I just search hard enough, I will find him again. With age, faith becomes less and less real for me, but if I could just grab onto someone like that, I could live this amazing faith built life. But I realize that even in that my faith is still what humanity views of me.

There has to be a God out there that isn't boxed in by humanity. How do you serve a God when you've been rejected by His people...not once, not twice, and not even three times. Sure if I could change myself and become something or someone else, if I could confine myself to the box, then surely God would love me. But everytime I try to confine myself to the box, it's not long and I'm "bad" again. Somedays I really wonder if grace exists...or if we're all plundering through this vast maze of judgment in hopes to find the God in the box at the end. My fear is that we will crank the bar and God will never pop out. Is it possible that God isn't really in the box that society and church put Him in....

Change of Direction

2005-01-29T16:32:00.000-06:00

In the blogs to follow I'm going to be retracing some steps in my life. So things will be a little different on here. I love to write...and my life has a lot of interesting stories, so I've decided that this may be a good place to record them...so for all the changes that are gathered around me...I'll record some of them in this never read journal...

Help my Unwant...

2005-01-28T08:50:00.000-06:00

Have you ever doubted? Right now, I'm doubting a lot of things...I kinda remind myself of doubting Thomas. Have you ever felt like you know in your head and heart that what you're about to do is right and it's what God is leading you to do...but other people think it's satan working in you.

"If God is for you, who can be against you." As I sat up all night long last night, praying, crying, hoping...I know I'm following God today. You'll hear people say that following God isn't easy...this is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

When you start a ministry, this isn't the way you imagine leaving. It breaks my heart that it happened this way, but I think God was leading me out months and months ago. I just wasn't listening, I knew in my heart...but I kept listening to people in the church who didn't want me to leave. Why is it so hard for me to follow God? Why is it so hard to do what's hard?

God's church....it's His chosen vessel. I talked to a pastor yesterday and I also spent several hours sitting in a bookstore reading a book about loving the church. I used to love the church without reading a book to convince me of it. But this book was great and talking to Liz's dad was great. I'm thinking about going to a house church in a month. Mason suggested this to me months ago, when he and I talked about things. Last night Liz said she wished there were some in Champaign, and there are two...so when Liz gets moved here and we get settled we're going to try it out.

So my prayer is...God lead me...David faced a Giant..not on his own but with God. The Bible is full of people who make a difference...but with God..not alone. God go with me...go before me...lead me...

To be honest I don't want to do what God is leading me to do....I don't want to do it all...so I pray that God keep helping me.

Get Over It

2005-01-27T07:35:00.000-06:00

When talking to a friend this morning and saying how I didn't like that people won't talk to me, how I feel like they view me as the devil. He said these words, "Get over it." Now these aren't the most heart warming words to hear when you're really sad about something. But he went onto say that a friend doesn't trade a friend in so easily and that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me because if God is leading me, then He knows the truth. Then their are the words of Bob Savely, "The only person you have to wake up to in the morning is the face in the mirrow and the God that indwells in that face."

Both of these people are right, I have to get over it, I have to move forward, I have to understand that God loves me and walks with me no matter what the rest of the world thinks. So in this entry I'm going to get over it...I'm going to say everything my heart holds and then I'm going to get over it.

This is written to my friend who won't talk to me. I was never angry with you, never mad at you, only hurt. You were right, I had a lot of hurt in me. This was true. After talking to some people and hearing further truth into this situation that I was not aware of, the hurt began to hide away, and my prayers took over. Please know that I am a servant of God, I pray deeply, and I love Him so much. Please don't discredit my walk with God. Please don't discredit me. I once told a friend that I would open my home to you, feed you, do whatever I could to help you and expect nothing in return...I never realized how hard that last part would be. You see I wanted to do this because this is the Love of Jesus, but I don't measure up, so my humanity wants to scream at you...look at everything I did for you and this church, don't turn a deaf ear towards me, but then I am quickly reminded that the work I do for the people of this world, I really did it for God. I miss you beyond words, things just don't feel the same anymore. I don't care if we never talk about this church again...i just liked having you as a friend. I liked that we had common interests, that we could laugh about similar things, that we had passion for the same people. I miss that. I miss you. A part of me sits in complete disbelief that this is really happening. I question God so often if actions like this are really of Him. I still have no clue. Because I look at you and see such a strong person of God, I know your heart and your Godly character, but I can't see Jesus in a deaf ear. I'm so confused. I wish I knew why you wouldn't talk to me anymore. If I knew why, maybe I could 'get over it.' But there has been no explanations, only the sight of your back as you walk away. I want to scream at you, not out of anger but because I don't want to lose your friendship, but I fear it's already gone. So now what's left...do I appologize for something that I have no idea of...that doesn't seem right. Do I cry? well that goes unspoken... Do I pretend like the hurt inside me, just isn't there? That seems dumb, especially when I feel it. Nothing makes sense. I've lost several friends in my life...when each one walks away it always hurts and makes me wonder if I'm a horrible person. You would think eventually it would stop hurting...but it just doesn't. Some people are blessed to find good friends, I have a handful of people that I'm blessed to know...but I wonder everyday if I wake up if my friends will still be there...what if they walk away? what if God takes them away? what it... I'm tired of living in what if...All I can do is say you were my friend and I loved you and cared about you...maybe I wasn't perfect, maybe not even right all the time...but you were my friend and I treated you the best way I could, I would have laid down my life for you...in fact I kinda feel like I did in a way...because it sure feels like I lost my life. But I can go on without you...I can face tomorrow...I can wake up in the morning and see hope. I can because I have a Savior who leads me and every morning I get out of bed and wonder if I can do it...and every morning...He says that I can.

That's my heart...open and bare....now Lord...help me get over it...help me get over that my friend won't talk to me...help me get over that maybe he can't talk to me and it isn't his choice...help me get over the thought that everything is a choice. Help me get over the doubts, the fears, the hurts. Help me trust you, hold my hand...never let go....help me walk faithfully into Your Will.

IT ISN'T FAIR!!!

2005-01-26T11:40:00.000-06:00

Have you ever opened your Bible and found a verse that seemed like it was written just for you?

Hebrews 6:9-11 "Even though we speak like this, dear friends, we are confident of better things in your case - things that accompany salvation. God is not unjust: he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show the same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure."

The past month I haven't been very honest on here. I've typed some things but very few of the things I've typed really dug into my heart. This past month I've lost everything I knew here in this life I live. I've lost my church, but more than that I've lost my trust and faith in the church as a whole. I've gone to church every Sunday but my heart just isn't there anymore...which makes me sad because my whole life growing up, my church was my family. It's just not anymore. I've lost my youth group...these kids were more than something to do Sunday night, these kids were my gifts from God. These were the clay God set in front of me and I tried so hard to love them and care for them in a way that would allow God to mold them into strong servant leaders. I've lost my friend, this is a big hurt for me. Seeing someone dear to you turn a deaf ear towards you causes a jagged break in your heart. I've lost my church family, sure the people at church love me, but they can't talk to me without causing issues.

Loss...the void in my heart is so big. But don't tell me that God isn't faithful, because He is. Don't tell me that I'm less of a Christian...because I'm not. Often when I can't find a way to express myself...I look to Psalms...

Psalm 41
"Blessed is he who has regard for the weak; the Lord delivers him in times of trouble.
The Lord will protect him and preserve his life; he will bless him in the land and not sureender him to the desire of his foes. The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. I said, 'Oh Lord, have mrecy on me; heal me, for I have sinned against you.'

My enemies say to me in malice, 'When will he die and his name perish?' Whenever one comes to see me, he speaks falsely, while his heart gathers slander; then he goes out and spreads it abroad. All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, 'A vile disease has beset him; he will never get up from the place where he lies.' Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.

But you, O Lord, have mercy on me; raise me up, that I may repay them. I know that you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me. In my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presense forever. Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel from everlasting to everlasting. Amen and Amen."

2005-01-24T21:00:00.000-06:00

Lately I've been pondering what it means to be a Christian. Truth be told that if anyone would have a just reason to leave the church and never return...I think these past few weeks would bring that conclusion to many people. I won't lie and say that I haven't thought about it. But I wonder what I would do on Sunday mornings if I did such a thing.

So then I began to wonder...do I go to church because I have nothing better to do? As I started delving into this question I began to also get into my personality and gifts. Truth is I'm gifted in areas that profit the church and profit the Kingdom. Church is a place where I can use my gifts and enjoy other peoples gifts. So I decided that I could leave the church if I decided that there was indeed no God and that my gifts were really only abilities that I learned and anyone else could learn them too.

So after a few weeks of thought, I've come to the conclusion that the God who reigns in heaven is the same God that my heart is sold out too. When I came to that conclusion I did something very hard. I'm not going to go into details about what it was and why it was hard, because that doesn't matter. What matters is that I know that God is God because I drew from His strength.

So as I think about Christianity, in the past few weeks I've seen people in my life who are leaders of the leaders. These are people who gathered around me, sheltered me in prayer, held my arms up per say when I couldn't hold them on my own. People took me out for meals, fed me in their homes and even gave me places to sleep when I couldn't be alone. Christianity...

A friends blog was talking about the heroes of faith...they aren't the people in high paying position, they aren't the people who have huge congregation or maybe any congregation at all. The heroes of faith are the people who wash your feet, the people who give their last two pennies for your service...the Bible is clear on the heroes. It's these people that opened the eyes of Jesus, who gained His compassion, who touched His heart to the very depth. These are the same people who touch mine...the people who crawled beside me, who cried with me, who did my laundry for me, the people who served me...not because they had to, but because they understand what Christianity is.

Christianity for me will never be about impressing people, it will never be about making everyone happy. Sometimes you have to tell the truth and sometimes you have to do whats hard and sometimes you have to stand up for what you know is right and risk being persecuted. Christianity is not all happiness, but God is faithful to remind us the truth of Christianity even when it's hard and painful to live.

Hope floats is not a movie that I necessarily think to be the greatest, it's sappy, and a chic flick...but this line is something I believe to be true. "Beginnings are scary, endings are sad, but it's the middle that counts. You just have to give hope a chance to float back up again."

what do you do when your heart doesn't smile?

2005-01-21T22:12:00.000-06:00

It's a Friday night and Friday nights are supposed to be fun nights...but really I just want to bear my heart right now. To be honest time hasn't been fun lately...it's been really burdened. I have a lot of change approaching me and to be honest I'm scared out of my mind. My life has been completely changed and I didn't ask for it to be. I liked my life the way that it was...but it's not that anymore. It's different, unknown, scary, and even sometimes alone.

Tonight I was driving home and I was thinking about a lot of things. Thinking how if I could only reach out and hold onto God's hands, I would feel safe. Thinking how I know there's a God but how many times I reach the point where I'm shaking in my boots to follow Him. Faith is a scary thing. Right now I feel like God is pulling my life from me and I'm on my knees crying and saying..okay God..it's yours.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about meekness. Meekness doesn't mean weakness. Meekness is when you sacrifice what you want and say God, not what I want, but what You want. Meekness is when you do something differently than the way you would have initially planned it. It's when you take a lifechanging event and walk by faith. To be honest, I don't like meekness...it's been moved to my list following Patience.

Right now I'm learning to lay so much down. Tonight I got an e-mail from Dr. Zorn. I wish I could describe to you how much his e-mail meant. This is a man who is encouraging me to walk when I can't find the path. This is a man who continues to teach me Gen 3:2. This is a man whose life speaks louder than his words in the classroom...yet his lectures I still remember. What it all comes down to...sometimes I forget what being a Christian really is, but it's not long and I remember...Dr. Zorn cares for people, he cares about me, he cares about my church...he just cares.

You know it's hard when no one believes your heart. It's hard when you love some people so much and they see you as a path of distruction. It's hard. But when you see the people gather around you that love you despite who you are...those are the people that scream the Gospel of Christ.

2005-01-18T09:14:00.000-06:00

So why haven't I written in a week or so? Because I don't need anymore reasons to hurt. You think that doesn't make sense.... it does to me. Until you've felt my pain...you wouldn't understand.

I miss the shades of laughter that my sanctuary is formed of.
I miss the love and hugs that stand at the door given from above.
I miss the conversations that were seasoned with salt.
I miss the feeling that the destruction wasn't my fault.

But most of all I miss seeing God in the faces of the saints.
I miss the words of love, but hate the word that taints.
The smiles on the faces the pain in their eyes,
I wiped my last tear from the brokenhearted's eyes.

It's my tears that fall, my heart that's broke.
It's my nights that are long and my pillow that's soaked.
The hands that wipe my tears, I do not know.
But the tears just continue to flow.

But if I sit in purgatory and earn my acceptance and love,
I'm afraid I'll begin to see that in God above.
If I listen to the words that accuse me of "detrimental" being.
I'll begin to forget that to God my sins aren't worth seeing.

So as each tear escapes my eyes,
I turn around and cry.
They won't see the tears or my painful sighs,
I've got to be strong, I've got to try.

Police

2005-01-08T00:35:00.000-06:00

The police have been called....I hope I'm alive come morning....

Why I'm Offically Voted as Dumb...

2005-01-08T00:00:00.000-06:00

So it's settled, I am dumb. I took a vote and voted myself in when I drove to Decatur in a snowstorm to go to IHOP. It took me 1 hour and 45 minutes to get home. Crazy. So I'm going to be writing the IHOP people and telling them my story and maybe I'll be the next idiot on a commercial.

As for my night. Trouble is coming. The people above me are drinking and singing loudly to music, and beating on the women. I now have a voice. I can't take it anymore. I hate sitting in my apt. and feeling like crying because of what's going on above me. The worse part is they are playing James Taylor, who is an amazing musician and they are ruining it for me. That really makes me cry.

Why I Scrapbook...

2005-01-07T14:40:00.000-06:00

I've been scrapbooking all morning. I started at 11...ended at 2 and had 3 pages done. Scrapbooking is something where all noise is shut off...I sit in utter quiet and I cut and glue and think and design. I think about the people in the pictures, I think about life...I just think. I relax. I was thinking today...and this was my thought. Some peoples goods just outweigh their bads. Everyone has bad qualities, but some peoples good qualities just outweigh their bads, and that's why you accept people. I thought about my week, and this thought seemed to fit in place...yeah words were spoken...that doesn't make the speaker of the words bad.

I Don't Have the Words Today....To Get You To Understand...

2005-01-07T10:30:00.000-06:00

Have you ever wanted to write about something, but can't find the words to say? I sit here now, struggling for words. Words that drive reality home, words that bring the clearest expressions, words that open and not close.

The last week for me has been one of just "much." You may think Lynn use the word overwhelming or use the word confusing...but these two words don't fit, much is the only word that fits. Overwhelming brings to mind that I am slumped shoulders and just awestruck, confusing bring to mind that I am lost and wandering aimlessly. These are not true...the "much" is neither good or bad...it's just "much."

I wish I could allow you to understand the hurt, the joy, the sorrow, the grief, the love, the silence of the last week. The hurt was one step away from unbearable. And you wonder...what is unbearable. Well that's the hard part, what is unbearable for me may not be unbearable for you. Each of us have different levels of life that are unbearable, I may be stronger than some people and weaker than others. So to describe to you what that sentence really means, it seems impossible.

The love that I felt was like a hungry person who receives food. Some of us never understand hunger, sure our stomachs tell us it's time to eat, so we do. But for those of us who were hungry and couldn't find food...that's a different story. I've been in that place before. You're sitting down, so hungry...and you look everywhere around you...there's no food to be found. But if you've never felt that, then you will never understand what I mean when I say, love for me is like that. I've been hungry for so long...and I finally found it. A person who hasn't eaten in days doesn't unfold their napkin and nibble...they dive in, make a mess, eat fast...eat as much as they can. That's how love is for me right now...but if you've never sat in front of someone and ate like you've never been raised with manners, you will never understand what I mean when I say that's how I've reacted to love.

Don't feel bad that you don't understand these words...you should feel blessed. This means that someone has always loved you, this means that no one has ever drove you to the point of finding out what is unbearable for you. This means overall, many of your needs are being met.

Words. They are so important, you must have the right words. Over the last week, I heard words that have left my heart still bleeding. See the words I've heard, well I heard them before...but they came from the person or persons who withheld love from the starving for so long. In these words I find judgement and withholding...in these words there is no room for grace on my life. Then from the person or persons that withheld love so long, I found grace and peace. Life changes, the table turned. It feels like losing a best friend. If you've ever had a friend that you confide everything in and then one day they begin to backstab you, they tell lies about you, and they in time turn and walk away and you just feel empty. You want to share things, but the person you want to tell isn't there anymore. That's how this feels. I all of the sudden don't know what to say or who to say it to, because if I say it to the previous withholders of love, what's to say they won't turn and walk away and use it against me...if I tell it to the newest servant of the words, then what's to say they will hear? This may sound confusing if you've never lost a best friend. I've lost many best friends...the thing about me is I move on and make more friends...I always have. But after awhile you begin to wonder if the words are true and everyone you meet will eventually dispise you. If you've never been hated by a person that you've loved more than life itself, then you will never understand the word dispise.

I wish I could make this clear. I wish I could describe the bleeding in my heart. In my scenario, in my life, in my story, the latest attacker backed down...or did they? Words spoken are often words that are broken. What does that mean you wonder? It means that when you speak words that hit someone...they sometimes hit hard and they break when they hit that person. I've thought a lot and I've heard a lot.

Appolgies...aren't they beautiful...or are they catastrophy? Their beauty lies in forgiveness, catastrophy lies in fear. You think, how can it be both, they are opposite spectrums? You see, for the person who is less trampled they are beauty, they think no further, they examine themselves little and continue on...but for the person who carries stab wounds, they ponder over they words, they listen to them over and over again. They think back over a period of time, replaying situations, lives, words, and even laughter. They look at every tear and examine it's maker. If you've never had a knife pulled on you wouldn't understand the fear the fills your body...especially when you've been stabbed once. You think...Lynn...what are you talking about? I was stabbed by my sister when I was little, and a year ago, a teen I was working with pulled a knife on me...that's how I know what I'm talking about. You know the end result of many moves, and you want to find the right move. So you go through play by play, you think hard to make the right decision. Truth be told, you fear being stabbed again. Now with my sister, it was an act of frustration and I was okay and it just a crazy moment...with the girl, genuine fear rose because as I grew older I realized that being stabbed can bring death. Sometimes with age we begin to understand reality.

So here I sit today...I know that I've had a week of "much." I don't know what to do. I haven't talked to many people this week. Why? Because I can't find the right words to say. It's not that I'm unforgiving...it's that I carry the fear of dying for another person who would never die for me. It's not that I'm dramatic, it's that my life is full of ups and downs that are different than your ups and downs and to you mine seem extreme. To me...it's reality. The words of the judge fall so smoothly onto the ears of the judged. But the ears of the judged with each word begin to hear less and less, their hearing dissapates.

You can't run and you can't hide.... When I was young, probably sophomore year in high school...so 14. I came home one day after school and went to get some crackers out, I was really hungry and my mom called me a fat pig and told me to put the crackers up. I didn't eat supper that night, or breakfast the next morning...I sat and cried. Now my mom appologized, but I've never forgotten those words or the pain of them. I've allowed other moments and times of love to move ahead of those words...but her appology never made them dissappear because the cut from them was deep. Now there is a scar there and I can remember the pain, but I don't feel it anymore. Sometimes words can't be forgotten, then can just be healed...the remembrance of them lingers and everytime you look at the scar you remember the words. If you've never had words like that said to you by someone who loves you unconditionally like a parent should...then you will never understand what I'm speaking.

Once again...don't be sad that you don't understand....you weren't meant to or you would have endured these things. It's okay to not understand, just be careful not to judge what you don't understand. Don't accuse me of using poor words, because these are the I could find. They tell my story as clearly as I possibly can. I sometimes think a painting would be more clear, but I have no canvas. Don't talk about me when I'm not listening...don't tell others your opinions of me...because they don't know me...all they know is you...and when you speak judgement on my words...your friends begin to wonder if you do the same to their words. The life of a judge is lonely...don't be critical of the hearts that bow before you.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

2005-01-06T13:50:00.000-06:00

Hmm...I really love journaling..always have. Writing for me is a way to say things in a way that I couldn't if I didn't write them. I can be blunt, sarcastic, rude, funny, dumb, intelligent, or just plain mean. I can even be wrong if I like. No one can do anything about it..because no one can come in and change what I wrote. Well the bad part of blogging is I'm not sure I like everyone reading my thoughts. You know there are some things I'd love to say, but their personal. I could keep my own private journal...but that's not as much fun, because then no one can read my funny moments and make fun of me. But then I could be as open as I wanted and know that it was safe. Hmm...to Blog or Not to Blog...that's the daggum eternal question...

Maybe I'll start writing messages and putting them in bottles and throwing them in the Vermillion River...hmm...I like that...it could be fun....

Winter...

2005-01-06T13:29:00.000-06:00

So while I was driving today, I was in awe. The ice is so beautiful. But even in beauty there is pain, the trees down, power lines down, barns down. But it made me feel good. That's kinda how I feel inside. I'm a person who has a lot to offer, but in the midst of that is pain.

So you know that the world is definitely changing when you get a thank-you card from Family Video. what's with that? There was a weirdo there who told me that he's attracted to women with raspy voices...ewe...scary. That makes me sick just saying it.

It took me thirty minutes to get into my car this morning...my doors were iced shut. Crazy! All in all...I love winter...I'm not fond of coldness, but winter is pretty. Ice, snow...it's refreshing.

I'm Forgiven Because You Were Forsaken

2005-01-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

Forgiveness...

I wish I could sum up in a few words what forgiveness is. But I just can't. I know what it feels like though.

Many of my friends know the battles that my family has gone through...and even the hurt that's build up in my heart. Many of you know that I've prayed and prayed for my family and many of you knew, I prayed with a heart that had little expectancy for change.

Yesterday I experienced the deepest hurt I ever had, and I ran home...to my family. Something I never imagined I would ever do. But I ran home. I walked in the door of my house and tears were running down my cheeks and I fell on my knees at my front door. I lost control of everything in me. My mom kneeled with me, wrapped her arms around me and held me as I cried and cried. Then my mom said this..."Lynn God's not dropped you, He won't. He's too busy with you. I can't wait to see where God is taking you because He's just too busy trying to keep satan from you." I looked up and my mom was crying. That moment, every ounce of anger, every bit of hurt fell from my heart. I sat there with my mom and a new found love and respect for her. I melted away.

Forgiveness doesn't happen because it has too, forgiveness happens because love is present in this world. There are days where it doesn't feel like it...but it's there. After I found love for my mom...I found love for my church. I found what it feels like to have everything melt away. For fear to take the place of hurt...fear that no one will take you back...but that fear dissolves when my mom's arms wrapped around me...if my mom can take me back...then anyone can...but most of all...when we forgive...God takes our hearts back.

I'm scared...the future is hard...but I know without a shadow of doubt in my mind that I am loved...that just melts some things away.

Why My Mom is My Mom

2005-01-04T08:35:00.000-06:00

Last night I sent my mom this:

Mom,

I could use some prayer. Tim and I got into it and I'm leaving the church. He criticized my personality and my ministry in the church. I know I have to leave...but I'm so hurt right now that I don't even want to go to church anymore. I'm not sure social work is where I need to be...I don't know what's going on. I'm 23 years old and more lost than I've ever been. Just once I'd like to open my eyes and see that things are working in my life... I haven't slept in two days and I can't do anything right in church and I hate school...I'm just tired. So if there's a time for God to step up and make something happen....that would be now.

Lynn

This morning she sent me this:

I have been praying about these very needs for you for a long time. I know you're confused and frustrated with the church, but don't give up on it - at least not on church, in general. The church in Rantoul, you may have to walk away from. I will continue praying for God's guidance for you. If you can get some rest and get well, you will feel better all over! Just make it your mission now to get put together physically before classes resume - then focus on that. If you get through this Master's program and still feel like social work isn't right, well - at least you'll have completed something. You could always teach, if nothing else - until the puzzle pieces fall into place for you.I don't have any answers. I was reading about Solomon yesterday and wishing I had a teaspoon of his wisdom!! But then I remembered that any wisdom he had at all came from God - and how wise He is!! So let His wisdom sort of slide into this situation and guide you. Feel free to come up here and sleep for a few days/nights if you want to get away from that area and the noisy apt. for awhile. Church is so important. I realize that more over time. Last Sunday, I was sitting in church and really felt God's presence - that's not something I always experience, even though I know He is always there. It was such a blessing. I worry about things like that that Carrie is missing out on by not finding a church. But maybe she will one day - and I pray that you will find the right one.Please e-mail or call to let us know when you're going to be gone for any length of time and when you expect to get home. This might seem a nuisance to you, but lastnight, your dad was ready to get in the truck and drive to Rantoul when he couldn't get hold of you. You are there alone, sick, and dealing with emotional issues -- we just want to know you're okay each day.Get some sleep while you can before classes start back up.
m.

and this:

Well, I had an afterthought of "wisdom" for you!! I was just thinking about your schedule of the last year and you seem to always have other kids around, everywhere you go, everyday. Maybe it would help clear your mind if you just had some you-time. I know you have the kids with your job, but I'm just thinking about your personal time. Sometimes, a day to yourself without any other intrusions will revive a person. It sounds selfish maybe, but I don't think God expects us to give, give, give of ourselves without some refreshment.Just a thought. m.

I'm heading out of town for awhile...I won't be checking e-mail...phone...nothing....I need some time to clear my head...and I need to cry and have someone who cares hold me...I need to forget for awhile...everything will have to move forward here without me for a bit. I need gentle words and a soft tongue spoken...

I am His Beloved...

2005-01-03T14:52:00.000-06:00

"I have called you by name, from the very geninning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hari on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separte us. We are one."

Right now I hold this close to my heart as I walk into the unknown...more scared than ever..more fearful of life than death...

walking through fire...

2005-01-03T03:15:00.000-06:00

It's now 3 a.m. and the people above me don't cease their noise -- i'm beginning to lose my cool. It's been a long night. But the rain falling outside somehow makes me feel better. I wish this entry could be funny, but I'm just not in the mood.

I've been reading a book these past few hours...it's a good book, by one of my favorite authors Henri Nouwen.

Tonight I had a conversation that really brought me to the inner circle of my brokeness. I lost it, but I don't regret losing it. Have you ever gotten to the point where nothing seems right? I think that sometimes when we get to that point, that's when everything is right. I say that because His thoughts are not our thoughts, nor His ways our ways. So therefore, if nothing seems right, those are the times when it is right.

I'm giving up...it takes a lot for a fighter to say those words. There are very few things that I've ever given up at. I didn't learn to swim till I was in 5th grade...and I finally learned in a class full of 4 yr olds..but I did it. I wanted to learn how to play flute, so I practiced and practiced and when I couldn't do it on my own, I took lessons...I eventually learned. I wanted a guitar...I begged, pleaded, got the guitar, suffered the pain of learning...I'm still not great...but I can play.

Giving up...well it isn't in my nature. But more than anything God wants it to be. Because when I finally get to the point that I can't do it on my own, that's when He's there to catch me when I fall. That's when He's there to hold me. That's when He's there to tell me I'm His Beloved. His hands, His words, His concern...that's all that matters to the broken. And as we discussed in an earlier blog...I'm broken.

So tonight I've given up...it's official...it's been announced...the world knows. I honestly don't care if I ever get my voice back...maybe it's best if I never talk. Maybe it's best if my words are kept in my head and pressed onto paper.

I can't describe the last three weeks of my life. I really can't. I wish I could put them into words. I wish I knew what the next three weeks were going to bring. But I just don't. I know I was served a big plate of "shut the f*** up." So I'm gonna sit down with my plate and eat...

Three weeks ago, I wouldn't be content...but today I am. Today I'm content with silence. Today I'm content with nothing. Today I'm content with emptiness. Saying goodbye is never easy. Tonight I said goodbye...goodbye to myself...and goodbye to my efforts...and just plainly goodbye. Sometimes friendship results in brokeness...but ultimately...if we face brokeness...that's where healing is found. I'm not gonna lie...I'm hurting right now...but I'm not afraid of the hurt...I'm embracing it because under the light of God, hurt actually shines bright and it actually can take you further through darkness than other things.

Why 'The Duplex' is no longer funny to me!

2005-01-02T22:16:00.000-06:00

The Duplex is a funny movie until it becomes your reality. I really want to kill the people who live above me. It's bad enough that I've been sick for almost three weeks now...but I haven't slept in two days. And just as I thought peace and quiet would come...the fighting begins again. So I'm in for another long night. It's 10:15 and I was just awoken by stomping and yelling. How am I supposed to get better, if I can't sleep. If I only had my voice...I'd serve these people a nice plate of "shut the f*** up" ...of course I'd probably end up killed...but you know... it's a small price to pay to get some rest!

The Fifth Grade Mentality

2005-01-02T10:35:00.000-06:00

Remember when you were little and how anybody would be your friend. Well unless they were of the opposite gender...then they just at cooties. I remember that though. I remember how many friends I had, how I would go sledding in a cowpasture, rode cows, slept in a camper full of girls, went to slumber parties where boys were present and dancing took place. Yeah I really thought I was cool. I was on my way to stardom, paving the path to snobbish personality. I sat at the cool table, Jeremy threw grass and rocks and stuff at me...which duh..is a simple sign that yeah...he liked me...and I mean who wouldn't...I was on my way to stardom.

I mean what is it with dating in fifth grade anyway? You don't see the kid outside of school, you don't talk on the phone...I mean...how embarassing. You don't go anywhere in public with him...afterall he has cooties. But he's definitely your boyfriend!

This is friendship in the mind of a child....

Friendship is definitely different now. I as I grew up, I also grew into a personality. Things aren't like they used to be. I'm not as confident as I used to be. I've often looked around and found myself lost in the crowds. I'm actually a lot more shy than I used to be. I know people who know me, are like what? But it's true...I cover my shyness by talking a lot. But I'm shy with my personality. Very few people actually know who I am. Friendship...in my mind I've always had an image of what it's supposed to be. The last few weeks, I've thought about that image and realize that I have lots of friends...I just never see them. Life isn't like it was in 5th grade anymore. You don't see your friends everyday, you don't hang out with them as often, but they are still your friends. I think my mind is stuck in fifth grade still. I think my mind says, if they don't want to hang out with me, fine...I'll find a new group of friends. I mean come-on. When you're 23 that's a whole interviewing process. I don't have time for that.

So I guess I've decided that I have lots of friends, and these are people that care...but I have to grow up sometime...I can't spend everyday hanging out with my friends and having a good time...there is a time and a place for that...it's in 5th grade. I guess I just never got enough of it then. I'm like my Grandma Griffith...I'll always be a child at heart. I'll always want to do crazy things, laugh and have fun any day over working, school, life...you know..the boring stuff...

So I've reevaluted my thoughts of friendship and realized that I really don't want to grow up. Because growing up brings different perspectives. I'm not sure if I'd ride a bull now...but I did when I was little. Those garage parties and the dancing...unless it was swing dancing and jazz was played...and poker was present...I probably wouldn't have much of a taste for it. Camper parties with girls, forget that...I'd kill them. If a boy threw a rock at me now, he'd lose his hand. And Jeremy...well life does take it's course and a year ago today, I was attending his visitation. The boy who threw grass and rocks at me on the playground, the boy who had his locker next to mine all through school...yeah him...well he decided that life was more than he bargained for, decided that he didn't want to grow up either...and with a rope, ended his life.

Friendship...I've buried two friends at the age of 23. It's not what it used to be...people hurt and people need people...but people aren't constant and people let people down. Friendship is another word for "grace" ...this isn't necessarily true, but I'm convinced that it must be true. In friendship, grace must be plentiful.

A Series of Unfortuate Events Tops the Charts

2005-01-01T17:30:00.000-06:00

Lemony Snickets A Series of Unfortunate Events gets 10 thumbs up..except I don't have 10 thumbs...but it's definitely the best movie I've seen in awhile. It topped Oceans Twelve...this movie has comedy, drama, action, and a message. This movie made me think, laugh and be empathetic. I loved this movie! Amazing!

Also purchased Napoleon Dynamite today. Money well spent. "you flippin retard" Not you...I wouldn't call any of my reader a "flippin retard" ...retard maybe...but never "flippin retard" I love my readers...or at least tolerate you..or you wouldn't be allowed to read such amazing thoughts.

So onto other news. Last night at 4:30 a.m. I was woken to Tiffany screaming...LYNN! I thought she saw a mouse...turns out she has nightmares. So it was interesting. This new years wasn't showy. Nothing spectacular...I didn't even feel that great...but I spent time with a girl who needed that. Today it broke my heart to take her home...she didn't want to go, got teary eyed...but I've learned something...I can't save the world...I can love this girl..but at the end of the day...she has to go home.

So next Sunday, I'm going to spend my afternoon playing poker with some friends. I'm so freakin excited. It's been so long. You know, I've really missed friends lately. When I was a freshman in college, I had such a big group of friends...we'd all hang out and do stuff. Since then, it's been friends in small numbers. Which is fun too...but I miss my friends. I'm excited because Andrew, his girlfriend - (I'm not sure what her name is), Jade, and I are going to play poker.

I've been thinking a lot about church lately. If you're reading this and you believe in a higher power...talk to that power for me...unless it's satan...i don't want anymore of his crap. But the road of indecisivness is coming to an end. I don't really feel like getting into everything...but you know that thing called peace...yeah i could use a dose of that.

--Meanwhile...man upstairs is beating the shit out of his woman...i gotta go...someones about to die...could end up being me--

On the Eighth Day God Made Cheap Particle Board Furniture

2004-12-31T15:50:00.000-06:00

So one final entry for the old year...if tomorrow is the new year than this has to be the old year. I bought a card a few months back that said..."One the eighth day God made cheap particle board furniture." It showed a picture of God saying "me damnit" I liked it. Especially today. You see there is a crisis in my apt. I have three bookshelves, and like 15 million books...that's kinda an exagerration..but it's only slight! So I decide today I'm going to go buy a bookshelf. I wanted to get out of my apt, but I'm not much of a shopper anyway...in fact I hate it.

If you put Barbie and I in the same room together shopping...well I'd kill her. I'm just not a shopper...I like to go in and get what I want, and come out. None of that driving and looking and asking questions. Well to complicate matters, I'm sick (that means grouchy) and have no voice...(that means rude).

So I go all over looking for a bookshelf...the wide world of sports has taken over and apparantly everyone is in to those books on c.d's..because I found tons of c.d. racks but no bookshelves. The only ones I could find was cheap particle board funiture. So I sit, on New Years Eve, realizing that the end of the world may as well just happen because I've seen Franz Jackson play and have come to the conclusion that no one reads but me.

All I wanted was a haven of saftey for the precious books I own. Precious they are! So much for that idea...so it looks like Grandpa will have to build me a shelf. It will be awesome if he builds it anyway. But really what is this world coming too! People who don't read and therefore have no bookshelves, unbelievable.

And as for Rhodes Furniture in Champaign. Yeah, just say no. I got into the door and a man dressed in an expensive suit approaches and asks, "Have you ever been here before?" I think, that's an odd question and shook my head no. I ask him in my barely audible voice.."do you have a ...." Before I could get my sentence out...the man looks and says "no we don't." I looked at him and said in the grouchiest and rudest tone possible when you have no voice..."you didn't even let me finish, screw you." I walked out. Hmm...how dare they!

A New Years Resolution or a New Years Reality?

2004-12-31T10:40:00.000-06:00

So it's New Year's Eve...I thought about typing something about this past year and hello new year..but that seems generic. Isn't every year the same? Laughter, joy, tears, pain, stuggles, love, hope, patience, and fear...don't all these things move from one year to the next? Sure spending time reflecting is good...so that's what I want to do...but just differently I guess.

I'm reading a book now titled Reaching for the Invisible God. In it Phillip Yancy writes about how his pastor in Chicago was really struggling with his faith...he writes, "My pastor in chicago, Bill Leslie, said he often felt like an old hand-operated water pump, the kind still found in some campgrounds. Everyone who came to him for help would pump vigorously a few times, and each time he felt something drain out of him. Ultimately he reached a place of spiritual emptiness, with nothing more to give. He felt dry, desiccated. In the midst of this period, Bill went on a weeklong retreat and bared his soul to his assigned spiritual director, a nun. He expected her to offer soothing words about what a sacrifical, unselfish person he was, or perhaps recommend a sabbatical. Instead she said, 'Bill, there's only one thing to do if your reservior runs dry. You've got to go deeper.' He returned from that retreat convinced that his fatih depended less on his outer journey of life and ministry than on his inner journey toward spiritual depth."

So why do I type this? Because I've been there, I'm there now. Emptiness is a scary thing. But if I can do one thing, that one thing is go deeper. You know, I've thought a lot about my own desires lately. There are some really big ones in my life right now. You hear people say Carpe Diem, Seize the Day, I think about that and think I should just go wacko and do and say everything my heart desires. But at the end of the day, at the end of year, I sit down on my knees, tears running down my cheeks and I realize that I never Seize the day for God! Opportunities pass me ever day, Kingdom opportunities, I never seize the day. When it comes to my own wishes, sure I'll seize the day, because my personal love lies in selfishness and is much more important.

Mother Theresa once said, "The work wil always be here but if we do not rest and pray we will not have the presence to do our work." Yancy states, "The sisters are not working to complete a caseload sheet for a social service agency. They are working for God. They begin their day with him; they end their day with him, back in the chapel for night prayers; and everything in between they present as an offering to God. God alone determines their worth andmeasures their success."

That's my desire. It's not a caseload sheet, it's a ministry. I'm a social work major and if that's not my view, I'll run empty often.

There is alot in this heart right now...a lot that shouldn't be there...a lot of hopes, loves, ideas. There is humanity in the midst of this heart that searches for God. Balance is necessary, I can't escape humanity. I have no intention of becoming a nun. In fact a daily battle I face is dating. For the first time in several years, I feel ready to date...emotionally I feel like I could go into a relationship with more brains than I have had...but at the same time, I'm involved in a complex ministry. This ministry has no room for a dating relationship in it. I know when I explain this to people, I get funny looks. But I've learned that the choices you make in your personal life, affect ministry in all ways. I the choice I made to ignore rest, it affected the ministry...it burnt me out, it made me sick and it destroyed my passion. If I chose to devote myself to a person in a relationship, it could be very detrimental for the ministry. I don't believe that this is true for every ministry, but in this church, it just is! So I sit back, knowing that this desire just can't be right now. That for some reason God has called me to do ministry right now, and I have to remain faithful to His call on my life. That doesn't make it easier for me, it definitely doesn't make it easier for non-christians to understand..and it definitely makes it a daily challenge.

Even now, my selfishness gets in the way, and my faith bridge is once again built on God acting...as I hope and pray that God will reward my faithfulness. Just one day I'd like to look at my faith and say that what God has done for my life up till this point, is enough. For once I'd like to sit back and recognize that He alone is enough for this life of mine. Right now that's just not true. He's not enough, my humanity blocks that. I have so many desires and wishes...and so little faith.

So the new year...I guess my biggest desire is to be somewhere else, doing something else, being happy, having my dreams come true, dating an amazing Christian guy, having fun, enjoying life. But the reality of it is, I'll be in Rantoul, working in ministry, going to grad school, not dating anyone... I think I'm okay with that, I'm not certain, but I think I am. I'm not jumping for joy, because I know it won't be easy or my desire...but I know that if I'm okay with it, God can replace that "okay" with joy. So in all honesty...the new year...it doesn't really mean newness. It means another year of trying to understand this concept that as a Christian God has to be enough...and it means another year of understanding that my humanity won't allow it. There are days that I talk to this God in anger because I say I don't want any part of Him, but the truth is, I'd rather have more of myself and less of Him...because that means immediate happiness. Unfortunately, happiness is cheap...salvation costs a lot...one of these days, maybe I actually understand that!

Matthew 10:29...it makes all the difference...

2004-12-30T09:15:00.000-06:00

This year has proven to be a year of great testing. In my search for answers, I've just found more questions. I've found growing frustrations, growing pains, and growing anger...but in the midst of it all I've found growth.

I was doing some studying this morning and found this. Matthew 10:29 "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father." Here is why this verse catches me. In the Greek the word for "will" is not found. Therefore the verse actually reads..."Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father."

God's will is a big thing to us Christians. We want to be in the midst of God's will, because somehow that means we're in the good of things. The NIV version says that God wills the sparrows to die. The Greek allows for natural law, that all things die, but says that even in those moments, God is present. I like that.

My faith has be stabbed, beated, spit at, exhausted, and thrown to the curb this year. For the first time I've stood back and said, I have no faith. I've walked through some journey's alone and I've walked through some with people. But it just seemed like God was absent through most of them. I believe it's because I felt the NIV of this verse was true...God willed me to go through this...but now I view this year differently. On this earth, the crisis that I went through is apart of natural law but through it all God was present.

There have been many times where jealousy stabbed at my heart. I longed for other peoples lives, I longed to laugh and do things that others were doing, I longed to have what other people had, and I longed to ruin the good that other people did have. I sit here now, looking back and still struggling with these things...but I now understand that God doesn't have it out against me, He isn't willing bad things upon me...He's simply holding out His arms and saying, I love you. As the bad things swarm, God is present. It doesn't say He's present and acting, He's not changing or moving, He's simply there.

As Christians our bridges of faith are often built upon God changing things in our life, it's the bridge built on an acting God. But God doesn't promise us His actions, He promises us His Presence. My faith is now having to be rebuilt upon a God of presence. If He chooses to sit on His hands...so be it! May my envy and jealousy not devour the faith that God is trying to hard to build. May my desires and wants take second place to the presence of a God who indeed suffered Himself. May my talk take second place to the silence of God. The value of silence...it used to be scary to me...now it's beautiful.

Chewing Orange Juice

2004-12-29T21:50:00.000-06:00

There are few things in life that send chills up my spine, that make me gag quickly. Some of these things are polyester, bleh, sleeping with socks on, feet (i really hate feet), but one of things that does it more than any other is orange juice with lots of pulp. I can drink orange juice without pulp, but you put the pulp in and no amount of ameretto in the world can solve such a world crisis. I know because I found out tonight. My mom bought the orange juice and sent it home with me over Christmas. I was left with instructions and repeated naggings to drink it. I've really tried, half a glass of OJ and half a glass of ameretto. So here I type with a buzz and nasty OJ that I still have to chew to drink sitting in front of me.

I probably should have mentioned before that I threw my back out and just took two tylenol, which says do not drink alcohol while consuming this product. I say blah to that...I got nagging mother on one side saying, chew your OJ and tylenol that says don't consume alcohol. I guarantee I can't chew my OJ without alcohol in it, I can barely chew it with it in it. So after typing this I realize that I not only have laryngitis, viral infection, mono, and now a very sore back...but I also could possibly need therapy because of this disgusting OJ experience.

The Value of Silence

2004-12-28T10:35:00.000-06:00

My eyes are dry, my Faith is old.
My heart is hard, my prayers are cold.
And I know how I ought to be,
Alive to You, and dead to me.

Well what can be done, for an old heart like mine?
soften if up, with Oil and Wine.
The Oil is You, Your Spirit of Love.
Please Wash me anew, in the Wine of Your Blood.

Keith Green

I've listened to this song about a thousand times in the past week. Each time, my heart feels peace because the truth that lines this song. To love selflessly, my longing, my dream, my prayer, my desire. To love with no expectations. No returns. No concerns. To just love people, the church, the Kingdom.

I don't know if I'll ever get better...but it's becoming less of a frustration with each day. It seems like each day I wake up and feel weaker, more exhausted, more worn out. But each day I learn the value of solitude a little more. I was never a person who really hinged a whole lot on daily devotionals. I still really don't...but the last few days, I've spent a lot of time examining my heart vs. God's heart. The last few days, I've learned the value of the place I'm at. I've learned the value of the t.v. off, my books closed, my mouth shut and just praying to God. My voice is so silent that He's the only one that can hear me talk. So I talk to God.

The pain that has been etched so deep in me is beginning to see healing. I'm beginning to see what selfless love looks like...and I'm beginning to long deeper for it in my own life.

My Broken Heart

2004-12-26T23:28:00.000-06:00

Today was an interesting day. Today I realized I have a broken heart. It's broken, meaning it doesn't work. This morning I crawled out of bed and decided I was going to go to church, because for the first time in months, I actually woke up loving my church. I got in the shower, got out of the shower and passed out. So much for going to church, I laid around in my p.j's.

So how is my heart broken? Well while I was laying around this morning, I read a book, listened to some music and prayed. As God and I talked, I realized how backwards of a person I am. This blog is just gonna get straight to the point of brokenness. I've never stopped loving my church, or I wouldn't be fighting so hard...but my heart doesn't know how to love the church the way it needs to be loved. It's like my dad who buys my love, when I'm saying, dad just spend time with me, don't buy me stuff. Dad loves me, but he doesn't really know how to love me. It's the same concept, I love this church, but I don't know how to love it. God's shown me through solitude and silence I'm called to love this church. Well I don't really know how to keep my damn mouth shut, so God gave me a hand and gave my laryngitis, a viral infection, and mono. I'm on my last day of meds and I'm oddly worse. So I lay down under that and realize that my heart is broken, so broke that I can not perform this act of love on my own, I must be taught.

I'm broken, because I'm alone. I love people, love being around them, love being their friends. Lately, I've began to realize that my church doesn't love being around me or love being my friend. And God's arms only wrap tighter around me as I feel the void opening. My wound is gaping, my heart is bleeding, my soul feels the chills of winter. I've fought and fought and pushed and pushed to try to make people care, but God once again reminds me that we can not change free will. So I stand in silence and look over the church in dismal hope of ever feeling their love again.

Then I hear God's sweet voice. It's quiet as He whispers, I love you. In those three words I realize that that's the love I'm searching for, that's the love that I miss. My broken heart absorbs these healing words but the brokenness is so deep that it only slows the bleeding.

I walk alone. To remain in this church means I walk alone or does it? Have I ever really walked alone? I think deeply and say in confidence yes. I lost sight of God, I walked away, anger became my compass and bitterness became my map. I walked alone. In "this" church I walk alone, because "this" church is that of anger and bitterness...but that is not thee church...thee church is a church where an imperfect person speaks to an imperfect congregation, where imperfect people try to serve a perfect God. So I look closely at my vision of church and realize everyday, that my vision is twisted.

I've spent the past year fighting...fighting what? Lots of things. Image, stereotype, roles, positions, God, love, friendship, hatred, envy..you name it, I've fought it. I've battled the people, the positions, and the visions of the church. Now my broken heart lays down. My broken heart lays wounded and tired. My broken heart is tired of fighting. Has been tired of fighting.

I've spent the past year trying to form a friendship with this amazing guy, Tim. When I first met Tim, I was less than optimistic. I really just wanted to push him in the creek, send him down stream and erase LCC anything from Rantoul. Well as time went by, I began to realize that he isn't like the rest of the crowd, I wanted to be friends. I know, girls, friends with a guy...new and growing concept. So I tried, I pushed, I fell, I stumbled, and I was broken. This week, my broken heart has realized that you can't push free will. You can't make someone be a friend. It just isn't possible. I can't make this church love me, I can't make these people see what I see, I can't make these people respect my vision. I can only love them. I can only serve them. I can only sit silently among the crowd and worship my Lord and Savior. So I give up.

My broken heart lays down in front of the hands of a gentle Shepherd. My broken heart quits trying. My broken heart gives up on friendships, on position, on status, on abilities. My broken heart lays bleeding, open, and wounded. My broken heart desires nothing more than the touch of a Shepherd. My visions for this church no longer matter, the Shepherds vision all but cry out. Friendship...it's a beautiful thing, something I've never had the time to be blessed with. Katie is the only friend I've ever really had that is constant. There was another one, but we've gone seperate ways. Friendship is something I never was able to have because of the homelife and worklife I had to carry growing up. That's not a curse because I cherish friendship more than most. I recognize the beauty of it. It's like someone who has everything, they don't see the value of anything. I on the other hand look at friendship with so much beauty and amazement.

Now I look at friendship, I see a broken heart. So my broken heart gives up on this friendship that I've tried so hard to build. I don't give up in hopelessness, I give up in personal effort. For a friendship traveled one way, is really just two people passing by. I'm tired of chasing. God's calling my attention to Himself. No longer can a broken heart chase, no longer can a broken heart mend, no longer can a broken heart speak.

Silence is the greatest gift of all. You learn who your real friends are, you learn who God is, and you learn what the church is made of. In this time of sickness, the church has sat on their hands. I didn't know how I would feel about this, but once a heart is broken, it is no longer scared of brokenness. Before, this heart trembled in the idea of brokeness, now this heart looks at brokenness and lays down knowing that this means hurt...but not failure.

For I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold, I'd rather be His than have riches untold. I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands. I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand. Than to be the king of a vast domain, or be held in sin's dread sway. I'd rather have Jesus than anything this world affords today.

-If this entry seems odd, it's because I have a 102 fever as I type it...so I'm not sure how much sense it makes. But it comes to you in completeness and it comes to you in the knowledge, that I'm not scared anymore. I'm just broken...

I'm not sure if anyone really reads this anyway...but if you do...look for the broken hearted... they are often disguised by strength, because their fear of displaying their hurt is high. Find the broken hearted and tell them, that it's okay for them to hurt, because once they begin to feel the pain...they become less scared of the pain. Scars eventually become the outer shell of the broken hearted. Those scars mark the battles humanity fights...stubbornness...if we first laid down and never fought, our hearts would never have gotten broken, but in brokennes you learn the power of healing and without healing, you will never understand the hands of the Shepherd.

Christmas...What Does It Mean?

2004-12-25T19:45:00.000-06:00

Well Christmas day is here and almost gone. I can't describe the weight that's been on my chest today. I've been thinking of my kids all day long. I hope they are all doing okay. Christmas at my house was once again a festivity of presents.

I did get to see Carrie and Jason. I really like Jason, always have, even though the rest of my family isn't as impressed.

So Christmas...somehow today should be a happy day, but it really hasn't. Why? Maybe because I'm crazy sick...but I think because somewhere out there I wish that life was different. Not my life personally, but life in general. I think of the birth of Jesus and how even that amazing event did not really change the world here and now, but instead changed eternity. I've thought a lot about my church today. A year ago this week is when I first stepped foot into this church. A year later, my heart is broken for this church. Nothing brings tears to my eyes faster than this church. I love these people, but I don't know of a place where I feel more out of place in.

I think of the main people that I have come to know. The Stanberry's have a huge place in my heart. They are going to be the constants of my life! The youth minister, it's been a long, hard ride. But you know, I've learned a lot from him. I've learned the most difficult lesson from him (with a little help from God and laryngitis)...silence. The minister and his wife...for the first time, silence comes in handy...

This year, I've learned humbleness. God has taken someone who thought she knew a lot and brought her to be someone who really knows very little. I no longer walk with confidence, instead I walk with more uncertainty than ever and through that uncertainty I can learn faith. I want to say something that very few people will understand...but it's important to me. I miss God. No He hasn't gone anywhere, but He's not the God I knew a year ago. I miss the God of comfort and joy. I haven't seen much of that God this year. But then I realized that it's not because God isn't of those things, but God is also a God of growth. Growing is scary. So I sit and reflect on this past year of my church. I think about Christmas. I think about the disappointments.

Then I place my eyes on God, realizing for the first time in my life...I don't really know Him at all. Meaning that I've finally seen the God that is so big that I just can't wrap my arms around Him. The unknown is scary and patience isn't my strong point. But when you drive home for two hours with beautiful snow falling, you begin to see that the here and now are the beautiful things.

Last night, Christmas eve, a dear friend passed away. An attendee of a church that I grew up in. Such a beautiful family, this family is. It's taught me to recognize that some people smile through Christmas, others cry, and others just think and hope. None of these are wrong and I kinda feel like that's what happened at the manger that day, thousands of years back. Some laughed, others cried and other just thought and developed a sense of hope. The Christmas program at my church won't be the same without the duets of Chuck and Lonnie. I can't even hear Christmas songs without hearing their voices. Distinct...not amazing to most listeners, but it's a part of my childhood.

Raedean Windish...most amazing woman. She's frustrated with the church. I never thought I'd ever see the day. For once in my life...I all of the sudden, don't feel so alone.

That's what Christmas is about, life..death...birth...joy...saddness...future...frustrations...love...anger. All these things center around that day, when a baby named Jesus came into the world.

Why I Rewrote - Twas the Night Before Christmas

2004-12-24T08:35:00.000-06:00

brokenness

As a social work major and as someone working in the community, these are the children I see and read about. For them Christmas is just another day, another day of abuse and neglect or of saddness and fear. I think about the families sitting around their trees opening mounds of presents and my mind rolls back to little children like this. What's in it for them this year? They don't wish for thousands of presents, they want what most children have just been given...a family. A family that loves them and cares for them. Happiness. I personally do not like Christmas at all...I wish tomorrow would never even get here. Why? Because I see people all over, lost in Christmas shopping, lost in church programs, lost in family. And somewhere out there and thousands of children who are lost in abusive homes. These children have no gifts, no love, and no vision of a Savior. They think everyday that this could be their last.

Last night, I thought about my church. Yesterday I found out that I was taken off of praise team permanently because the leader of the praise team felt I was spiritually weak. You know, if feeling empathy for families like this, if having anger towards churches who have an ability to bring change but don't makes me a weak Christian...than so be it. In all honesty, I am weak...there are days I'm so angry with God, because I don't know how to help the kids I work with. Because more than anything I wish I could wrap them up in my arms and hold them until they get big enough to fight the battles they face. But I can't...

So why did I rewrite the poem? In hopes to open up peoples eyes to what Christmas really means? It means Christ? For me...it means taking Christ into children's lives who have never experienced laughter or joy. For these children to have one day a year where they aren't scared for their lives...that's what they want for Christmas. I honestly wish that my family would not spend their money on me, but instead give me the cash, so I could make a few children's dreams come true. But honestly, all the cash in the world won't stop the hand of an abusive parent. It takes more than that...maybe the only thing that will save an abused child is for someone, somewhere to step into their lives and give them one source of safety to turn to when everything else has crumbled? What are you doing?

Twas The Night Before Christmas - reality version

2004-12-24T08:20:00.000-06:00

Twas The Night Before Christmas
By: Lynn Griffith

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
All the creatures were stirring, even a mouse...(or 10 in my case)
Garbage bags were hung by the chimmney with care,
The presents and St. Nicholas would soon be there.

Some children were nestled all snug in their bed,
While others sat chilled, to them santa was dead.
Mama with her smirnoff and I with my beer tap,
Had been screaming and yelling as mama took the rap.

When out in the living room rose such a clatter.
I crawled quietly from my bed to see what was the matter.
I opened the door and saw beer bottles smashed.
And realized my dad had ran out of cash.

The moon gave light to my new fallen hope,
There was no luster in life or in objects below.
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear?
But a broken sleigh and eight drunken reindeer.

With the old driver drunk and disgustingly sick,
I knew in a moment it wasn't St. Nick.
My dad looked at me and his eyes melted in shame,
Then threw things and shouted and called me by name.

I turned and I ran and threw open the gate,
Fell on my knees but imagined it was too late.
Dad came running but fell and hit the wall,
Just as I saw my Christmas present fall.

One present you see, was all it took,
My dreams and my hope were all but shook.
Then I looked to the sky and the stars shone down.
I knew that God was looking around.

I fell on my knees and looked to the sky
And one tear fell and I realized I would cry.
Christmas wasn't about presents and all,
It meant healing for me and my families great fall.

Not everyone has a dream Christmas you see,
Some don't have gifts, so they can pay their bills and their fees.
They understand what it means to feel left out and in need,
As they open their door and let others in to feed.

Wealth and image, Christmas possess,
But the stable where Christ was born, was truly a mess.
The families that are heard by God's listening ear,
Are often the ones who live in complete fear.

So I think to myself on this Christmas Eve night,
God, for one day let nobody fight.
Let every child wake up, and see a family of love,
The love that you once brought to this earth from above.

i'm sad

2004-12-22T18:00:00.000-06:00

i'm sad...nothing seems right. it's a few days before christmas and i haven't even got my christmas shopping done and i don't even feel like doing it. i'm not sure i'm even going to go home for christmas.

it just doesn't feel like christmas this year...

From Santa Back to Christ!

2004-12-22T17:25:00.000-06:00

In this weeks Rantoul Press a kid wrote in and said, "I have been very good girl this year. I can't wait until Christmas. I want snow this year. I don't care what I get for Christmas. All I want for Christmas is everyone to be happy." - Logan

Surrounded by a hundred or so toy requests sits this bleak cry for happiness, not for herself but for everyone. How familiar this request is, there were Christmas' that that's all I wanted too. Families are funny things...they can be blessing but they can also cause chaos. In a child searching for peace, a fighting family severes every last source of strength.

Christmas, the first Christmas family wasn't even really a whole family. This man see's his "probably girlfriend" Mary pregnant and having a baby and we really never hear from Joseph again through the Bible. Unfortunately, the presense of Jesus didn't promise wholeness on this earth, but completeness through salvation. The Christmas story resonates in children like this, who maybe lost a parent through divorce, seperation, or death or maybe the yelling and accusations are too loud in the home to allow them to hear the small, sweet voice of a Savior.

I take this little girls request and I take it away from Santa and give it to the true meaning of Christmas, Christ. May He answer her prayers.

Silent Night or Selfish Night?

2004-12-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child
Holy Infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

This is a beautiful Christmas carol...one of my favorites actually. But sadly to say, I'm not sure why we sing it on Christmas anymore. The more appropriate version would be.

Selfish night, full of fights
Nothing's calm, nothings right
Round yon presents under the tree
I want yours and mine don't you see
Greed has taken away peace
Greed has taken away peace

This is more appropriate in my mind. So I think this year, I should definitely sing this instead. It puts no thought towards Christ, it puts all thoughts on broken families and greedy families. It centers your thoughts on the presents. I often wonder what would happen if I didn't buy Christmas presents this year...which could happen because I'm still sick and haven't gone shopping yet, in fact I've done nothing on my list.

Christmas, it used to rock my world when I was litte. Not because of presents. I remember my 5th Christmas like it was yesterday. Teddy Rupskin was out and I wanted it badly. Well my dad was on strike for a year, so needless to say, money was not really there. So my dad saved and bought me AG Bear. Now AG Bear wasn't Teddy Rupskin. Teddy told stories, AG just growled. But you know what, I still have that bear and it's the best present I've ever gotten. I remember it because of the sacrifice. At the time I didn't really understand, but I loved it. And now I love it more. The reason I loved Christmas before was because Christmas Eve I would go to Grandma Griffith's and it was awesome. We'd hang out, be annoyed by our cousins, and eat and open presents. Then Christmas day we'd go to Grandma Bell's...great food, family and fun. Now, we don't do anything with family at all. Some people may say, that's a blessing, but I don't...because I love my extended family. But I never seen them much. I love my grandparents...I may go see Grandparents on Christmas anyway. You know, break away from my mom and just do it.

So Christmas...entry number one is focused on our selfishness. Christmas...why don't we just call it Giftmas. The church especially....oh it bothers me because i see so many needs but yet so many churches sit around their Christmas tree, enjoying their gifts but not spreading them around. Selfishness vs. Sacrifice. Where is the Christian heart? Where is my heart? That's what I'm exploring...and I will find it!

The Christian Female

2004-12-21T09:35:00.000-06:00

You know, for the past five years I've began to realize that females are crazy. There are very few that I actually get along with? Last night I sat thinking about that and decided that the reason is that everything is a competetion between them. Living with two sisters, I should completely understand that. When I say everything, I mean everything...weight, hair, skin, clothes, cars, writing, friends, laughter, art, books, teachers, boys, boyfriends, boys that are boyfriends, guys, men, the male species, and the list continues, if you can look around your room and see it, it's a competetion between females.

Well I've never been the competitive person. So that's a big reason as to why I don't get females. Well this past semester at college, I wanted to make some good female friends. So I talked to the girls in my class, but competition was too high, so I joined some Bible studies, but the knitting was too much for me. Christian girls are weird. So I went to the bars with some friends...I fit in there definitely more but I looked around and saw girls dressed in a way that I don't think I could ever dress.

So being female and being Christian is tough. You look around at the Christian females and think to yourself, come on really? And you look around at the females in the world and think to yourself, come on really?

I read on a friends site about hoochie santa helpers. That's exactly what I'm talking about. In the female world even having your thong's up your butt is a competetion. "My thong is cuter and it's up higher." And I loose friends quick because I'd look at them both and say, "congrats you're both big hooches."

So as a female you can dress like the girls of the world...which i've witnessed this at Christian college...but then you say one thing to guys, I'm easy. I've decided that's not something I want to say to guys, because I'm not and I am worth more than a piece of string hanging out my pants.

So I turn and look to the Christian female group and I think, man I don't want to dress like some of these girls either. They have all these weird Christian guys after them and I'm not sure I want that either. Not all Christian girls dress like this...but a good percentage look like their moms are still dressing them.

So as a female who sits down, slumped shoulders and frustrated...what do I do. I don't fit in this mixture. I don't want to look like my mom dressed me, but if I have to dress like a slut to be attractive, I don't want that either. So I sit in the middle of this fence of females and think...man why are guys attracted to this crap? And where are the guys who aren't looking for housewives or sluts?

So anyway, that's been on my mind lately and I'll have my first Christmas post arriving within the day.

My Schizophrenic Personality

2004-12-20T09:45:00.000-06:00

For anyone whose known me for long periods of time, you will have seen two sides of me. I used to be a very laid back person who didn't really care about life, who kept her mouth shut, who just floated by, except when there was a good fight to fight and then I was right at the front of the line waiting to fight. Lately I've been the fighter. So why is any of this important? Well I'm a type AB personality. (oh...i know important information when I see it - it's earthshattering). I'm an unusual bird is what that means. (okay so you all knew that already) Most people are either A or B...I am both. Phil made me take 3 different personality tests in undergrad because he didn't believe it could be correct because it's such a small margin to get into. Turns out, all three agree.

So it's time to start accessing that AB personality. I'm going to have to make a list of goals for the week. That's something I haven't been making myself do and now I have less than a week until Christmas and it's a must...I must do this. I've been so sick and am still sick. Sickness, everytime I get down time, I get sick...I think my body is programmed to push until it doesn't have too. So here are my list of things I must accomplish this week.

1. Christmas shop...yep you heard...I haven't started shopping for my family yet. Oh how much trouble I'm in. (Or maybe I could change Christmas to July and then I'd have lots of time)
2. Clean my apt...for those who witnessed the tragedy of my dorm room, it's not quite that bad yet, but it's working on it.
3. I think at this point I should forget Christmas cards, it was going to go on the list...but too late.
4. Make my sister divinity.
5. Get well....hmm...with all this stuff to do...I'm afraid my body will hate me more.
6. Screw the list, sleep all week, skip Christmas, shop next week and give my family their gifts late.

This is where the AB personality gets into trouble.

7. Beat the crap out of this damn mouse in my apt.
8. Feed the homeless
9. Save the world
10. Stop the war in Iraq
11. Lower taxes
12. Plant more trees
13. Stop country music from being played in all 50 states.
14. Ban all Kentucky Fried Chicken places in all 49 states except for Kentucky.

Okay...so this again is where the type AB personality gets into trouble.

That's a lot to do in one week.

I think I'll just drink coffee, read books, watch movies and work with my kids. Saving the world will have to wait for next week...country music being banned should have happened years ago...but if I ban it I'll have a very unhappy sister and father...so I guess that should wait for the next generation.

Hmm...so I'm not sure what I'm going to do this week..but my apt is gross and since Christmas will be on the 25th, I should get a present or two.

I love jazz. It brings happiness to my sick body. Wanna know what I feel like? I sleep like 15-20 hours a day...that leaves me anywhere from 4-9 hours to be awake. Every bone, muscle, ligament, hair, and nail hurts in my body...no joke. Pain. My voice, I sound like a mouse. I could read the night before Christmas and the kids would never believe the part that said, "not a creature was stirring not even a mouse." So there ya go.

So anyway, this week, since it is inevitably Christmas time...I'm going to be sharing my version of Christmas, my idea of Christmas, be prepared. This could be dangerous, if you love Christmas, be warned, don't read the entries that will follow this..you will be offended!

The Five People You Meet in Heaven

2004-12-19T20:45:00.000-06:00

I watched The Five People You Meet in Heaven this weekend. It was an amazing movie. I love the book and the movie, which is rare for me. The movie touches on sacrifice. I for one hate this word. I hate when I want something that I can't have. It seems like life is full of things like that. I'm a selfish person. There is one thing in particular that I want...but I just can't have and it's bothering me so much. Some people may not even understand it, it's something the world would be completely confused by.

You know, I find myself unhappy. Unhappy with God, unhappy with people, unhappy with life. Unhappiness is when things that happen dissatisfy your expectations. My expectations are broken. And now I battle myself.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, when you're sick, you tend to have time to think. So as I've sat and done just about nothing for the past week, I've thought a lot about my hurt and my anger and my life. I've thought about my anger towards my pastor. You know, he really hurt my feelings when he talks about me behind my back and then suggests that I wasn't supposed to hear, so that makes it all better. I've thought a lot about the anger that has resulted from that hurt. You know...I realized that I really hate this man. I don't respect him, I don't like him, I don't look up to him, I don't even want to speak to him...but then I thought about how many things I've said about him behind his back. This makes me not respect me, not like me, not look up to me and not want to speak to me.

The pain that I feel and the anger I feel, I have no choice to but forgive and forget because I've done that and more to other people. Humbling...

My mother...she's controlling, pesimistic, hateful...but guess what, I've been that too at times. I've judged when I see in the seat of the spectator.

My voice is gone right now, maybe for a reason. Maybe this is the only way I can learn to be silent and stop hating and stop fighting and just stop. Just be still.

So this one thing that I want more than anything. In the stillness of His voice, I give everything I've got back to Him. Until I give it to Him in completeness, I'll carry the burdens of expectations, desires and emotions that aren't mine to carry.

The pain of letting go of something that you not only desire but love. It's the pain of birth...the pain of birthing faith, the pain of birthing hope, the pain of birthing a life that connects with other peoples, a life that touches other peoples lives. It's sad thought, I'm reminded of my humanity because every second I think, I pray that God will grant me a desire...the desire of my heart.

Life...is an amazing thing...but hard...Kudos to Mitch Albom and The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Great book and movie!

Things that make you go AHHHHHH!

2004-12-17T18:33:00.000-06:00

There's something about being cooped up in small places for long periods of time that just make me want to scream. I don't know why that is, but things that may not have bothered me before, they not only bother me but they send me into a period of neurosis.

First, chef boyardi...it's gross, it's bad, it made me want to puke when I was little, and somethings never change, once again it hasn't failed me, it still makes me feel like puking. What is that meat in the middle of that ravioli anyway? Cafeteria meat is better than that stuff. It's not normal. Not to meantion the sauce, it's a pink color (in fact it's the color of this text...), I'm sorry, but tomato sauce should never look like that (or like this...). So you're thinking, why did you buy it? I didn't, it was bought for me, which leads me to my next topic.

My mother. Enough said. But really it's not enough for me, because I have to blow of steam somewhere. My mother....my mother...my mother....oh boy...here comes the neurosis. She bought me chef boyardi, knowing that I've never liked that stuff...ever...never....she wants me to puke. Then I today took a deep breath and opened up to share something about school...and guess what...I'm a loser...I'm stupid...she disappointed...and she didn't take it well when I told her that she had no right to be disappointed because I'm the one paying for school and if anyone is disappointed it should be me. Apparantly a B is bad in mom's book.

Christmas trees...I'm really Scrooge when it come to Christmas. It's just not my holiday, I don't understand this whole Christmas tree stuff and the presents and the annoying family get togethers, to me we're supposed to celebrate something, not punish ourselves even more. I know God gave us family, but that doesn't mean we should spend time with them. So today my parents made me drive into Champaign (keep in mind I'm sick) why? Well they had something to give me...they gave me a Christmas tree that looks more pathetic than Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. Not kidding you...and then she wants to know if it's hooked up...it's hard to hook up a tree in your closet. Why spend money on things that are just inherently dumb?

So I bought my medicine today...a Dave Berry book and a Jerry Seinfield book. They say laughter is the best medicine and I was in town so I had to get something...oh and don't forget the Smirnoff. So tonight is a night mixed with sleeping, reading and smirnoffing. Maybe I will wake up when it's Jan 2. Damn holidays...Bah humbug!

Changing the Church

2004-12-16T11:15:00.000-06:00

Lately all I have been able to think about is somehow changing the church, my church, your church, the unchurched...church meaning people in general. Christianity is becoming so false and fake to me lately and people are so selfish and monetarily focused.

Then I realized something...these are the moments that I should say...I'm going to say something really important, with hopes that you read on...but really what I should stay instead is I'm going to say something that will mean little to anyone else...that will bore you...that will put you to sleep in mid sentence.....zzzzzz...oh wait..that's you not me. But if I say that then you'll stop reading now and instead sleep...which..I kinda feel like doing except my ovens on and I'd wake up with no hair and singed clothes.

Anyway...what I've realized is this...Power doesn't change people. When my parents screamed and yelled at me, it didn't change me, it just made me wish I was somewhere else. What changed me was when my dad said in a small voice...Lynn...you've got to start acting different. Those were the words I heard. Power doesn't change people. I've been standing in front of the church, your church, my church, people...and screaming at them..."DO SOMETHING!" "STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF...THERE ARE HOMELESS AND HURTING PEOPLE OUT THERE...DO SOMETHING." Oh how little I know.

All that yelling, the waving my hands in the air to get peoples attention, the jumping up and down. Oh how right I thought I was. But in all what's going to change them is the still, small voice of God. My voice isn't displaying that. My voice is forceful and challenging and powerful...but all in all...not changing. I'm learning, I'm growing, but most of all I'm listening to that still small voice because it's changing and if I can catch the slightest glimpse of the person behind the voice...maybe then I can talk in that still, small voice. Maybe then, God will see me as worthy to greet His people. Oh how good I thought I was...but how I'm seeing now, my ways were wrong...maybe Glen knows somethings I haven't known...and maybe that's why he gave up screaming and yelling and sits in his office. Now I don't believe sitting back and doing nothing is right...but I think that the concept is good. The concept is, I can't do anything without God...His voice changes, mine corrupts. But doing for God, with God and as a part of His church is essential.

So as far as my life long dreams of changing the church go...I've given up on them. I've decided that my expectations have lead me to failure. Instead I'm going to focus on changing this one part of the church...that's me. And I've decided that instead of changing, I'm going to love the church.

You know Elijah wasn't changed by the power display at Mt. Carmel, he was changed by God's voice. And then God sent him back to where he was. It's not about the people, the money, the things, the buildings, the service, it's about God...and I'm on my journey back. Elijah didn't arrive overnight. But God is sending me back...but when I return, I will indeed be changed.

The Battle

2004-12-15T18:15:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the battles we face each day. I've been dealing with the battle of sickness lately. But you know, in the long line of things, it's so temporary...and soon enough I'll be back on my feet again.

The bigger battle that I've been thinking about is that of sin. You know...it seems like the harder I fight, the more I lose. That's something that this person just doesn't understand. Everyday I wake up, stumble out of bed and give me five minutes and I'll have already managed to bring sin into my day.

I've realized how easy it is for me to judge others, but you know...really I should be looking deeper at myself. My church is made of people just like me, imperfect. So why do I feel the need to see myself as better than others. How prideful I am...and guess what...pride is a sin. Ho hum. You know Christianity is a tough sport. It's full of wins and losses...it's full of struggles and will power.

At the end of the day, what it comes down to is grace. It comes down to God looking down at all my sins that are written on the chalkboard in my hand and it comes down to God erasing the slate clean. It comes down to me realizing every night as the sun falls, that without that grace, it would be impossible for me to be anything but a selfish, uncaring, human. Only through God can I learn to really love people.

Everyday brings a new challenge, but the hardest of them all, sin. To give myself in a life of service is my desire, but upon saying that, I knowingly will never do it. Why? Because that means sacrificing everything I have, and I'm not sure I'm made of that type of strength, but God knows, I want it.

The holidays are here, but I'm not worried. Because for some reason, they just don't mean the same thing to me anymore. They don't mean family and friends and presents and laughter...they mean struggles, hardship, saddness, guilt. You may think..that's depressing...but it's not to me. It's growing. That's what I've been doing. Seven years ago today my friend died and 13 years ago tomorrow my Grandpa died. Sometimes holidays are a reminder of God's sovereignty in our lives. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the Name!

I miss them...especially Grandpa. I miss his laughter, and practical jokes and ability to cheat on every game around. I think I got some things from him...I'm a good cheater, he taught me well and I love jokes, but no joke is the same without Grandpa. My family...I love them! Everyone of them. My mom has my grandpa's sense of humor...when it shines from her, I remember why I'm glad she's my mom. My dad...he's so selfless...he reminds me everyday what it truly means to give. My sisters and their husbands...i don't see them a lot..but they are my family and someday, they will be all I have left. Watching my grandma and her siblings, their closeness when all they had was each other. Family...

So everyday I wake up and go to sleep and realize that only one thing matters and it passes on to the rest of the day. Do I really love God? Or am I just playing another role in my life?

Ocean's Twelve

2004-12-14T00:55:00.000-06:00

I give two thumbs up to the movie Ocean's Twelve. Kudos and all that good stuff. Excellent movie, a tad slow in the beginning but funny and entertaining.

So I've been thinking...if the church isn't what I think it should be, maybe I should join a gang of masterminds and get rich. Then I can build my own church and pay the people and we will be a rich church with lots and lots of people and money...and wait...we already have those...in fact every morning I get up face north and bow in prayer to the wizards of Willow Creek.

So what is going on with church...I'm taking a step back. Doing planning, fighting the Donna monster who continues to want me to join First Christian and do youth ministry there. I'm not doing such a task, nor do I want to. I'm going to be a pew dweller. For all you reading this that know me, you're thinking...yeah that won't last long. But you know, I think it will, I think it will become a new part of who I have to be in ministry. I will have to be the strong silent type. My strength I could never sell away, but the idea of silence is something I have to learn. So for a month or so, I'm going to learn what exactly it does mean to "be still." When I come back to RCC, I'm going to have to break the walls through silence and obedience. Knowing that loving God is enough, and with God's love the walls of Jericho tumbled.

So some people live the exciting life of the mobb scene, which sounds thrilling...these are the mega churches that survive on the thrill of excitement, I on the other hand live in the ghetto. These are the churches that are built upon fighting and battling the top of the ladder. It's just too bad their's no corny music to dance to in the alley ways...and it's too bad no one is going to get that except me and Mr. Denman...who probably doesn't read this.